Working thru grief when it hits

Where we lived hospice was not an option. My mother battled sepsis and was in and out of the ICU for about 6 months, mostly in a coma. But even when conscious she couldn't communicate cos of the tracheostomy and cos she somehow couldn't use her hands to write or signal. Her mind wasn't okay enough to even sign when we pointed out alphabets. She had the most drawn out death and it hurts to think of her dying like that. She could hardly communicate with us but when my dad went to see her once she held his hand and kissed it. From someone who was always undemonstrative that broke my heart. How she must have loved him. My dad could hardly bear to visit her or talk to her cos it hurt him to even see her or think of her suffering. Even now he can't look at her photo much as he gets choked up. I don't know if she missed him just spending time next to her. He' would just chase after doctors and fight with them instead of just sitting and holding her hand. Mummy I'm so sorry you had to die like that. It hits me suddenly sometimes and I wish you could just tell me you're okay.

We aren't doing a good jub back here. I know. But it's hard. I don't want to be born again. Please God. It's a pain and I'm one of the lucky ones.

I lost my domain

 I lost my domain. And thats sad cos it was cheap and now, just because i missed the renewal notice(s) I can't afford it.

Well.. tough luck but so what?

It's not like this blog ever took off there and it's not like the domain was ever hot property I could have sold off to the highest bidder so I guess it's no great loss. 

I can still use this mirror of my soul thanks to blogspot.

I just have to keep repeating this and avoid kicking myself.

Freedom?

Since 2015 I've been haunted by the chains of being the caretaker. Every ride on my bike, my heart would soar and I'd try to absorb the freedom, try to manifest it even bigger and brighter in my life... Despite the anchor in it.

And even then I wondered. Am I calling death? Can I be free without calling death? Is this an either - or choice, and if it is, am I making it? 

I never did make it. I've always believed you don't have to force yourself to make the dreadful choices. If you don't choose, life will choose for you. 

And if that's the case, surely we did not choose her death. Every step of the way, every decision we made, I have gone over a thousand times. And even with hindsight I still think with the information we had, we made the best possible choices. Going back in exactly the same situation I'd make exactly the same choices. 

So why am I wondering if I am guilty?

Because. Freedom. 

Because I wanted so much to be free. I longed for it with every fibre of my being. And while I did not choose the way. Maybe I called it?

And it is so unfair to her. Because she wanted so much to live. And she loved life more than me probably. But her wants and my wants were incompatible.

So I remind myself... It didn't have to be this way. She could have agreed to a nurse. Even for a day. A little breathing room would have gone a long way. And when I remember I am filled with indignation again. So sorry for the prisoner I was. Sorry for the fear and anxiety I lived with. I didn't deserve that. I deserved to be free. 

I just wish she could have set me free without dying. We could have coexisted and she could have had her small pleasures and I could have had some freedom. 

But it was not to be. 

I hope there's young Sheldon and Grays anatomy etc in heaven. I hope she gets the freshest fruits there. I hope there are cats cuddling her all the time. I hope she can see the stupid things the love of her life does and they still make her giggle. And I hope she understands and does not judge me for the rage and the freedom I needed. I think she must understand. Once we die I think we understand. But it would be good to know. I don't need her forgiveness. Because if she's holding a grudge she's being mean and not at all angelic. But it would be good to know she understands and maybe she's even sorry for the hurt she caused.

And me. I need to learn to enjoy my freedom. 

The Things We Dare Not Tell

"The Things We Dare Not Tell"

                                        ~ Henry Lawson

The fields are fair in autumn yet, and the sun’s still shining there,

But we bow our heads and we brood and fret, because of the masks we wear;

Or we nod and smile the social while, and we say we’re doing well,

But we break our hearts, oh, we break our hearts! for the things we must not tell.

There’s the old love wronged ere the new was won, there’s the light of long ago;

There’s the cruel lie that we suffer for, and the public must not know.

So we go through life with a ghastly mask, and we’re doing fairly well,

While they break our hearts, oh, they kill our hearts! do the things we must not tell.

We see but pride in a selfish breast, while a heart is breaking there;

Oh, the world would be such a kindly world if all men’s hearts lay bare!

We live and share the living lie, we are doing very well,

While they eat our hearts as the years go by, do the things we dare not tell.

We bow us down to a dusty shrine, or a temple in the East,

Or we stand and drink to the world-old creed, with the coffins at the feast;

We fight it down, and we live it down, or we bear it bravely well,

But the best men die of a broken heart for the things they cannot tell.

====================================

Came across this poem unexpectedly and boy did it hit hard. 

The pain in my heart for the things I cannot tell... 

The thing I don't want to acknowledge to myself

The thing I don't want to feel, yet cannot bear the thought of not feeling,

The thing I thought I'd never feel again, 

The thing I thought I'd never feel ever, 

The thing that came out of no where and swept me up like a whirlwind,

The thing that probably, almost definitely only I am feeling... (and how that hurts my heart..)

The thinf that a small part of me wishes he was feeling too,

The thing that most of me can't bear to want him to feel too,

The thing that I can't make happy even in my wildest imagination,

The thing that was born to die, twisted and alone... Why give birth to a child of such sorrow. Why?

Everything in life is meant and brought to us by our own desires and creation. I believe this with every fibre of my being.

So at some point, I or my higher self, called this deformed child to life. Why?

Dear Universe, I'm not strong enough to wish this dead, so today I ask for clarity and discernment in determining the why. Why did this come to life?

Thank you for answering me. ❤️

Life Bingo!

 I've read about people playing Bingo with life events, and recently watching the Order I saw the cute ethics professor playing Bingo with student's excuses (I won't tell you what happens because spoiler... duh... and also because I never want to write those words, but anyway...)

So getting back to me... today I finally checked off a life event I never thought I'd see... a bonafide blackmail attempt! I'm so excited!!

Okay granted it's from some hit-and-miss scammer online and is a bunch of made-up malarky but hey... it counts if I say it does!

The email is from 

Jessica <kdyypai@gracebaptistofhurlock.org>

and the text is as follows:

Hello,

I hope u do not care about my english language sentence structure, because
i'm from Germany. I infected your gadget with a trojan and im in possession
of your personal information out of your computer system.

It was mounted on an adult website then you have picked the movie,  it, my
software immediately gain access to your os.

Then, your cam started to record you hand partying, besides i caught a
footage that you have looked at.

Just after some time in addition, it pulled out every one of your social
contact information. If you happen to need me to get rid of your everything
i currently have - transfer me 750 dollars in btc its a crypto-currency. It
is my btc account transfer address :
bc1q7suvam0ae9pjzuhtluuxpyyupsnxvz8a72klr6

Now you have 28 hours. to produce a decision Once i will receive the
transfer i'll wipe out this evidence and everything thoroughly. Or else,
please be certain this video will be forwarded to all of your friends.

Do Not Reply to This Email

A screenshot for posterity cos obviously I can't allow it to live forever in Spam... alas

Escape

Running away... 

That's what my days are

Blocking you, blocking me,

I no longer want to see

My days, my routines,

The mind-numbing steps that fill each moment

Wash, rinse, repeat

Wake up, exist, do and do more, until... 

Until a moment I steal

A moment in which I grab my phone,

Click frantically on that little blue icon

And watch words fill my screen

And I dive in, maybe I'll read just a page, or even just a line,

But for that page, for that line, 

I'll be away

I'll be escaping

I won't be here, listening to the same sounds,

Hearing the same requests, 

Feeling the same needs, your needs that smother my life

I'll be in someone else's life,

In another story 

Where others are happy or unhappy

But where they will one day be happy

Because someone gave them that gift

I'll be away, with Malec and Charlie and Simon

Free... until time pierces my splendid isolation once more

Eddie Flynn

If you're like me and terribly confused you've come to the right place.

There are two authors writing books where the main character is called Eddie Flynn. Steve Cavanaugh and Michael Donovan. I haven't read any books by either of them. I saw the blurb for Fifty-fifty and thought I'd buy the first book in the series. Thereby started almost an hour of confusion (mostly because I didn't believe an two authors could have lead characters with the same name!)  

No one has said this clearly but that's what I deduce based on the fact that you either get sites mentioning one or the other. (Except for Amazon which is selling both sets of books) 

Also one of those authors is writing under a pseudonym so his real name popped up as the author of one series confusing me even more!

Steve Cavanaugh (real name Stephen Mearns) apparently writes about Eddie Flynn, the con man-turned-lawyer. 

His books are

The Cross (Eddie Flynn 0.5... So called because it is a novella) 

The Defence (Eddie Flynn 1)

The Plea (Eddie Flynn 2)

The Liar (Eddie Flynn 3) 

Thirteen (Eddie Flynn 4)

Fifty-fifty (Eddie Flynn 5)

Michael Donovan apparently writes about PI Eddie Flynn. 

Behind Closed Doors (PI Flynn 1)

The Devil's Snare (PI Flynn 2)

Cold Call (PI Flynn 3)

Slow Light (PI Flynn 4)

I'm going to read both series now... Will start with Steve cos fifty-fifty is what dragged me into this... But will come back and edit this post after I'm though a few. 

Netflix and me

Safe - On Season 1 Episode 5 and all I can say is how incompetent are these cops?!

Met Gala 2019 and GOT

Met Gala 2019 was clearly GOT inspired...

How else can you explain:

A tale of fire and ice

Missandei and Petyr Baelish

 

The night king

a white walker

a dragon

The Faceless Men

 

The gold bank

Ned Stark (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

What Theon Greyjoy is...

... and what he wants to be

One of the 'Sand-Snakes' .. (bastard daughters of Prince Oberyn Martell)

One more Missandei

Red priestess

Bonus: the red priestess' shadow baby all grown up 

Someone stole Tyrian's pants

High Sparrow living it up... tsk tsk

Catelyn Stark with a fancy wolf cloak

Arya mingling withe the adults

They even had furniture from Westeros!

A chandelier,

a photo frame,

and even a table cloth

and even a plucked raven

Apart from GOT, maybe it's just me binge-watching  Supernatural, but there did seem to be a lot of angel wings!

Some pretty

 

Some not!

Then there were the food items:

Candy cane

 

Candy floss

Half-eaten lemon

A tacky Chistmas tree

... and the Christmas tree ornament

Someone who thought the gala was a pool party

Two women offering their flowers to the world

 

 The Bow Wonders

 

 Feather dusters

 

A shag carpet

 The Lego dress



The magician's trick gone all wrong

 Here's one that's come straight from rolling in the leaves...



This one may have rolled through nuclear waste



Oh so not divine!

While many forgot their pants/skirts... this one forgot her top

And finally, a shoutout to the woman who used all the leftover scrap material

PS... if you want to see them all, here you go https://www.vogue.co.uk/gallery/met-gala-2019-dresses

Abe's Recipe for True Love

https://youtu.be/kHAEZQ4rRyw

How to love freely - without expectations etc?

R. The perfect vows should be "I like you let's see how it goes"
Love, the feeling of love, the moment when you are loving - you are in vibration with source. Anything less than that is less than that.
Loving that is painful, is thinking of an absence.
Thinking of any subject - if your approach is correct - it'll tie in to your source energy

the emotional scale - what feels like love - is what you perceive as alignment to what you are

Q. Why can't people let go?
R. The reason clinging is prevalent is the person now clinging was not in touch with their own emotions to being with. That is the ending. "In my physical body I didn't figure out I can focus myself into good. I believe I need to control circumstances. I come together with sometime - because we don't know each other both of us are in alignment. Because we are looking positively at each other and finding the best and looking the best and aligning with source which always looks for the best."

Then what happens is you have to hold yourself in that positive place. When you don't, i feel like a puppet. I say you don't make me feel the way you used to. It was never your job., You were just a catalyst.
Clinging is me hanging on to that dream or vision, which I remember from holding on to you.

Abe wants us to get so consciously aware that feeling is alignment or resisting. Further understand that with deliberate thought, incrementally, you can close that gap between where you are and where you want to be, or who you are and who you really are. Don't hold other people in that impossible position of having to perform in a way so you can feel better..Asking someone else to be different so you feel better is giving up your power. That's the pain in relationships. You;'re asking someone to do something no one else can do nobody can hold you as their object of attention completely enough to ensure that you're always in alignment. And if they did you'd be screaming and running and trying to get away from them cos you'd feel like you were suffocating you see.

A relationship becomes magnificent when you let the primary relationship you are seeking be the reln with you. When you say nothing is more imp than i feel good and on a myriad of subjects you practice bringing yourself up the scale so that you show yourself with a variety of conditions that you feel good.

People in a bad state should not find someone, If they do they'll find a vibrational match. Its better if you get into vibrational alignment with who you are and then let law of attraction find you someone else who is also in alignment. That kind of reln works. You do your own work and joyously dancing together.

Q. what is a soulmate?
R. - you meet someone with same vibrational intentions. You come forth in clusters. but everyone is your soulmate in some way or the other. When Esther and Jerry met they felt like coming home. If you meet someone that is of the same non-physical essence that you are and you are both vibrationally aligned you feel a connection - but that's cos you are aligned you meet people who are a match. Even people who you cant stand are soulmates. your awareness of yourself increases.
the best soulmates say - lets go forth and have a meaningful existence - lets be catalysts of desire and alignment and etc.

After posting came across the below on FB. Reminded me of another vid I heard today. https://youtu.be/d3JSW9d5DeI