August 2014 - An ending

August 2014 - So many things can happen in a month... Some good, some bad

True to form, I'm going to write about the bad - hoping that this blog will help me process my life as it did 8 years ago when it made me who I am.

I'm so picky about my friends because I truly believe I have high standards.  And because I pick them so carefully I usually never hesitate to give them my all.  Because of which, when for the first time a friend accused me of 'conduct-unbecoming-a-friend', I was shattered.  I'm so used to my friends trusting me and knowing that I would do anything for them maybe it was just a gigantic kick to my ego.  But jokes apart - yes, it hurt. And yes, it broke me. And yes, I crawled into my head and licked my wounds until other friends finally told me to snap out of it because to them I've been the friend I always believed myself to be.  So, here I am, once again myself again. Thanks to those who reminded me I'm so much more than one person's opinion of me.  Scarred again, but hell, whats a few scars anyway.  Down the road they just remind you how strong you are.

That was a few weeks ago, but much worse than that was in store.  Once again I've been proved wrong.  And the funny thing is I wasn't even trying to be proved right or wrong.  I made a request, a simple one.  One that could be fulfilled by the expenditure of time and caring.  The problem with making simple requests is that it feels so much worse when they are ignored.  Ask for something complicated and you can tell yourself that the person couldn't grant it.  Ask for something simple and you'll feel every denial like a million little reminders of how unimportant your request was.  So how was I wrong?  I didn't think the request was a big deal.  Its only now, when I'm feeling like a discarded tissue (my favourite metaphor) that I realize what a big deal the repercussions of denial of a small request can be.

I hope September is better...

Eid, friends and books...

Purpose of this post: None

Went to a friend's house for Eid lunch yesterday.  I introduced her and her husband almost 8 or 9 years ago and the three of us are pretty close. (Will share the story of their romance sometime - it's so true that everyone has a story...)

Anyway, I wasn't feeling like going.  Had a bad day the day before and just wanted to avoid humans who know me. (Office is different - hardly anyone knows me there any more - it's like working with a bunch of people some of who I used to know, and the rest that I don't have the energy to get to know!)

But anyway, I realized they'd feel bad if I didn't show up so I made the effort and guess what - I was so glad I went.

No, it was not because of the food - which was very nice indeed... (Her husband apparently spent 12 hours cooking - he didn't sleep all night! Abnormal behaviour? Maybe not for a foodie - which he is.)

The best part of going over wasn't the lovely food - the best part was that I found that my friend has a bookcase with two shelves of books, most of which I haven't read before!

Fun!

Borrowed eight yesterday.  I'd have taken some more - but felt too embarrassed.

Guess I'll visit her more often now.  If anyone want's more of my time it's so easy - just dangle a book, or a discussion about a good book in front of my nose and you'll find me sitting near you purring happily (or barking enthusiastically, depending on which way you swing)!

More losses...

Sometimes I scare myself when I realise how much I care for someone or something. Specially when that person or thing is on it's way out of my life.

Life took away something valuable earlier this year, but I could bear up because I got something so precious in return.  Now life has taken that away too and given me nothing in return.  I'm lost for words.  Why on earth would this happen?  Why give me something and then yank it away. Cruel!

Forgiveness

A friend gave me a wonderful gift and then took it away. He didn't mean to hurt me but did.  He apologized, I forgave him. End of story. Or it should be....

The problem is I am still angry.  The anger sweeps over me unexpectedly and then I have to remind myself of how I'd feel if the tables were turned to force myself to cool down.  After all if I had hurt someone unthinkingly and then genuinely apologized, I'd want them to forgive me.  So why can't I get this out of my mind?!

Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't believe it was completely unthinking.  I think at some level, he must have known what would happen.  And maybe it's because a part of me also believes he doesn't have any idea how much he hurt me.  Maybe he doesn't think I am justified in feeling so bad.

I don't know. I may never know. It may not be important anyway.  Things come and go.  I just wish this anger would be one of those things. 

Walking away?

When is it time to walk away?

It's hard for someone like me to know when it's time.  I'm too focused on the good and that's dangerous.  Yes, the man with the smelly clothes may not mean to harm me, but if he's drunk and behind the wheel, his good intentions are not going to make a difference.  When his car hits me, his plea of "I never meant to hurt you" is not going to cushion my fall.

I should be able to recognize danger to myself - and I need to understand, with every cell of my being, that good intentions are not enough.  Specially good intentions in selfish people.  In fact why go so far as good intentions - I'm the kind of person that's settling for lack of bad intentions.  - "Why yes ma'am, I may get hurt, but you see he doesn't mean for me to get hurt.. I'm collateral damage.. He thinks life should be lived one day at a time, and so what if that means that I get hurt at the end - that's my choice isn't it - why should he take the blame for any of that..."

Part of the problem is my obsession with signs - If you pray to God and say "Thy will be done" for a year - and then you get a new job - won't you assume that you should take it?  And when things get rough, won't you say to yourself - "God wouldn't have brought this job to me if it wasn't meant to be..."  So God, the ball is in your court.  I don't want the little teensy signs - you brought this into my life - man up and take responsibility for it.  I'm willing to do whatever you want me to - but BE CLEAR!!!

Easter and Watershed Moments

So Easter is come and gone... and the much needed clarity did not come with it.  Others seem to have had watersheds in their lives.. One friend almost re-started and then almost re-ended (yes I know that's not a word) a relationship.  Another one who had been on the brink for the past months, suddenly had a small disagreement blow into a big chasm between her and the guy in question.  Lucky them maybe - Easter signs from God.

Maybe God is pissed I didn't listen last time - but seriously that's so unfair.  It's not like I didnt believe.  Yes, I stayed on - but that's only cos I'm someone who will hang on till the grim end. It's just my nature.  It's got nothing to do with me not believing the sign.  I knew it was headed for a dead end - I just wanted to be there right until the dead end. (And I was - but more about that some other time..)

So anyway, coming back to the present - what do you do when you're coasting along and life seems good, but you know there's quicksand under the road?  You pray - for guidance, for help, for a #$@^&% clue.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough - I don't know the reason, but there was no clue.

--------------------

I'd gotten that far when I decided to google 'watershed' before I hit 'publish'. The first link I clicked on was Wikipedia - and for once was useless.  It didn't have the word defined in the sense that I used it.  Disappointed I clicked on the second link and somehow it turned out to be the Amazon page for a book called Watershed Moments by someone called Gari Meachem.  I read the review and bought the book - it seemed serendipitous (maybe God didn't like me grumbling!).

The link is here.  And trust me, it was hard work to find the link a second time.  I only found it cos I bought the book and had the author's name.  (Which makes it even more amazing that I stumbled across it the first time just searching for 'watershed'!)

Anyway, I've started reading the book, because honestly - after whining on about a sign for days now - I need to pay attention to this great big one that was thrust before me..

Changes galore

Company culture - what is it?

I've been working for the same company for 7 years now... and for me until recently it's been like a second home.  We've had a huge influx of new people over the past two years - and they are mostly people with strong personalities.  All these years it didn't matter.  The management team was a strong interlinked team.  They gave the same messages, and believed in the same 'culture' for want of a better word.   But recently two managers (who joined at around the same time as me and who moved through the organization with me) left, and we've now for the first time in a long while, got a management team where the 'newbies' are more than the 'oldies' (again, for want of better words).

And this is not to say I don't like the newbies.  I like most of them. Some of them, a lot!  But it's tiring.  It's tiring to have to keep setting people straight.  And since they are in relatively senior positions it's difficult.  It's not the same as telling a fresher how to behave.  A fresher will do what you say because he has not already been exposed to some other culture.  But a manager will usually say 'well in my last office...'

Guess time will tell how we weather this change and move into the future.  I've always been an advocate of change and 'freshness'. Let's see how I deal with this!

It feels so good....

...until it feels so bad

Three years ago

I stood on a shore

wondering if this was it

if I'd ever love again

God laughed

I found love that day

in a spectacularly unexpected way

A love that warmed an unloved heart

And I was happy... at the start

God laughed, the page turned

all wasn't as it seemed, I learned

my love died (in more ways than one)

left me in the shadows, entered the sun,

And that was the story so far

So I put my feelings in a jar

Decided - No making plans, no bluff,

Give God no reason to laugh

But now once again,

like an absolute sucker for pain,

I feel that old familiar feeling sweeping over me

I feel a quiver in each dimpled knee

My heart sings songs, my thoughts scatter

from lost alleyways my dreams, they gather

And I know God probably just wants a laugh

But I find myself tempted, torn in half,

would it be so bad, to allow myself to feel so good

to build castles in the air, and count stars in the wood

Will I be strong enough to bear the pain ahead

when my happiness eventually stops dead,

should I give heart a chance, for now be glad,

should I allow myself to feel so good....until I feel so bad...

XPS 12 Sierra

A side effect of stress it may be but no one can deny that it is adorable.  Will post a picture later...

Edited - Later :-)

Here's what it looks likes...

My One Wish

Humans are wonderful, but they have many flaws.  One of the biggest is the instinctive tendency to be contrary.  If you don't need to do something, chances are you may decide to do it or not, depending on what you feel like.  But if you need to do it, most probably you will resent it, at least unconsciously.

And that's why, God willing, I will never need someone; I will never be dependent on someone.  Not physically, not emotionally, not financially, not socially.

Yesterday I didn't know what was the one thing I would ask for if I had one wish.

Today I know.

Stop Acting the Goat!!!

How do you tell someone they are acting the goat (to borrow a phrase from Captain Haddock)...

People can be so pig-headed goat-headed.  They won't be logical, but at the same time won't make allowances for emotion.  And in the end, no matter how emotional I can get, I eventually hit rock bottom.

You can make me cry and bawl a day or two - but eventually there'll be nothing left.  Eventually all I feel is dead inside.  Nice time to make a move, no? (Very Indian sentence structure... lol... can't help it... must lighten this grim mood.....)

So anyway Professor Goat... as I was saying... do what you want to do....  if you think you'll be happy hiring that two-faced lying %^#@^.. (ahem... am I getting carried away here? Do children read this blog?... Nah... why would any self respecting child read this blog... surely they'll have something better to do....)... anyway, ahem,... where was I?

Oh right.  If you think you'll be happy working with that liar that lied to your face and enacted a multi part script... go right ahead.  Don't you realise he made a fool of all of us?! You included! I'll be right here with a cushion for your ass once you're done kicking yourself.

And if you dare ask me why I didn't say this to you.... I'll tell the truth.  You never believe me unless you want to.  Whenever it suits you, you choose to think I'm misguided, unthinking, or just plain wrong.  Well, it doesn't matter now.  It's your life.  You have to live it.  Considering the person you are, you'll probably fall on your feet like a cat.  Though how any self-respecting cat could work with that two-faced rat!!! is beyond me.  But this judgement will remain on the pages of this blog... cos this isn't the real world.  And here I don't have to censor myself. And here I can be wrong.  And maybe I will be wrong. (Though I don't think so - I personally think that lying SOB is going to chew you up and spit you out....)

Will we survive this?  I don't think so.  If this was a season, it's probably coming to an end.   I can't bear pain and loss.  I'd rather rip the band aid off and count one more friend down.  After all - 10 years isn't that long.

July 2013

Changes again...

Back again from 3 weeks in the UK... in the middle of the biggest project of my life... someone planning to move away... me holding a bag...

Messages from God... but still so scared... ulcers forming???... Oh God help please... Que cera cera... but hurry!!!

Slamming Doors

I have had a very close friend. He got married.  Now I have one less friend.

It’s insidious - this conspiracy that some married people have against having single friends.  I have no deigns on him.  I am not interested in his marital life.  I wouldn’t interfere, or criticise, or do anything.  All I would have done was discuss politics, organizational behaviour, psychology, science, and other topics of mutual interest.  But apparently, that’s not okay.  So… I have one less friend.

I don’t think this is a dictat from his wife.  Or maybe it is.  But frankly I don’t care who is behind it – he or his wife.  I haven’t confronted him.  I’ve noticed him drawing away and I’m respecting his behaviour by keeping my distance.  I’m just crying inside and grieving for the loss of another friend.

What do you do when people draw away?

What do you do when people draw away?

a) try to understand what went wrong and fix it,
b) cry and get depressed,
c) tell them to go f*$% themselves

I've tried all of the above.  Right now, I think my vote would go to "C".  Okay, so maybe I wouldn't "tell" them, but I would "think" it and silently scream it at them.

Statutory Warning: Drama Ahead - Please do NOT read if you are a practical, prosaic person (unless you want to know how others live).

Today, after years I felt the urge to cut myself. For those hearing about this for the first time - please don't panic. I am not suicidal, neither am I intent on harming myself - I just hate the fact that I have no self control at times. For me, a little cut on my pinky finger used to be a great way of putting any "emotional" pain I was feeling into context.

Like I said, it's been years - so what made me slip today?

-Lack of self control
-Getting too caught up in my dreams (the real deal - not day dreams)
-The inability to believe the evidence of my fucking senses. I believed that I was practical enough and tough enough to have learned that there's no use banging my head against the wall. Much better to climb over it or find another route.

And yet today, like a sap, I gave in to this child inside me. The softie that is a sucker for a beating. The imbecile who makes the same mistake again and again. The absolute dolt...that just does not learn.

But... if for no other reason than to not let scorpions across the world down I will dig deep. I will find the anger and the wrath that can get me out of this soup, and I WILL NOT BANG MY HEAD AGAINST THIS FUCKING WALL AGAIN.

AND I WILL DO IT WITHOUT CUTTING MYSELF!

My new year was even worse than I expected.

The run up wasn't so bad...I decided to have some games for people in office on the 30th. Spent the money I'd been saving to party on prizes for the winners. I had fun but had an unexpected client call that evening and ended up stuck in office till almost 9. Went home, and around 11 after dinner, decided I was too tired to study. That's when things started to go south.

I planned to wake up at 5 am and study for 4 hours, take 30 minutes to get ready and an hour to actually get there in time for the 10:30 paper. After all it was Business Statistics - and our professor had assured us that the test would be a
practical one in the computer lab. Aanndd, I am pretty good at stats and
excel... soooo....I went to sleep. Nothing wrong with the plan but I did not leave room for things to go wrong. Which considering that this is my life was a BIG mistake.

I woke up at 2:45 am when my phone rang. My little sister was on the
phone, sobbing as if her heart would break. She'd had another run in with
my folks. I tried to calm her down but with a flair for drama, second to
none (not even me), and without saying the actual words, she managed to convince me that her bags were packed to run away. Terrified and remembering my parents
"tyranny" from my "childhood" (more about that later) I tried to convince
her not to take any drastic decisions while she was emotional. Finally I
had to tell her that I had to hang up on her cos I was almost crying
myself. It was about 4 am at that time. After that I enjoyed an hour or
two of crying until I realized that it was almost 6 am and I had not
studied anything. Sooo... I started looking through my excel files, had a
bath, drove the almost 40 kms to college, screwed up the paper so badly
that I still can't bear to think about it, drove home in a daze and
collapsed on my sofa to welcome the new year.

-*-*-*-

Funny thing is there was just one person in Pune that I wanted to meet that
day. And on the list of all the people who wanted to meet me... that name
was conspicuously missing.

After all it's one thing to actually be able or unable to do something. But
able or unable wasn't the question. The question was about the wanting to
be able. Very mixed up I know, but unfortunately crystal clear to me.

Trial and Error

Okay, so I was wrong after all. My last miracle was a joke but one I badly needed at the time.

I need another one now. God, are you listening?

Folks heading home on the 25th. N me with exams till the 31st. Christmas has always sucked. This year it'll hit a new low and probably be joined by the New Year... the one occasion I've always enjoyed. The only thing that used to make up for the crap that went before.

This year I'll probably be home alone for the New Year. Growing up sucks. There was a time, not too many years ago, that I'd have been happy enough partying with a bunch of friends. This year, just friends aren't enough. I want my love around. Or at least my best friends, my connections. I want to bring in the New Year with someone I love. So I'll lie to my friends, and tell them I have plans. Pretend someone has come by from Goa or Mumbai. Anything to avoid partying with them.

And so I'll be bringing in 2012 alone. Life in Pune just turned rotten. Realising there's no one to spend New Years with will do that to you.

Maybe I'll fulfil another of my life's ambitions and get drunk. Drinking alone at home.... yay.... my first steps on the road to alcoholism and a nervous breakdown.

Anger and Money and Nero Wolfe

I'm angry. And the problem is that just one thing is keeping me happy these days... n that's Nero Wolfe books. Which means in addition to being angry I'm also spending an average of 300 bucks per day buying ebooks online. And there are about 42 books in the series!

:(

I need anger management therapy... It'd probably save me money in the long run...

Wanted: A friend

Wanted: A friend

Sex/religion no bar.
Location: Pune. Viman Nagar preferred unless he/she is willing to travel to Viman Nagar every day.
Qualifications:
• Interested in unusual things
• Fed up of life
• Likes having a drink now and then
• Likes old rock music
• Will sit with me silently in a pub and have a drink every now and then
• Likes to travel
• Does not mind planning in advance
• Does not mind spur of the moment madness
• Has a lot of faith in a God but is not religious
• Age - 27-31
• Is not girl/guy obsessed
• Is not weight/health obsessed
• Is not anything-obsessed
• Has principles and is willing to stand by them
• Believes in right and wrong (and has the same concepts as me on the important things)
• Has opinions but is not interested in shoving them down anyone’s throat
• Can talk at times and can be silent at other times
• Likes to drive/ride about aimlessly
• Is not nursing a broken heart
• Is not cursed by life
• Is not fascinated by being popular. Someone who can see and laugh at the weird side of life.
• Does not smoke or do drugs
• Someone who is not broke
• Someone who is not chronically ill
• Someone who has no major tragedies currently in his/her life
• Likes learning about new things
• Someone who’s seen pain in life
• Someone who’s loved and lost someone
• Someone who will talk and express himself/herself rather than keep it inside and let it harm our friendship.

Bobby S.

It's been a long time I've really cried my eyes out. But I'm close today. My heart is aching with the pain of it all. But I'm rationing the tears before they get too bad. There's no one I can message for support. All my friends are too far away to be of any help. Been a long time since I've been so alone. A stranger in a strange city.

I know everyone is supposed to have one or two things wrong with them... but I'm all wrong. I wish I was a simple uncomplicated soul, merrily skipping thru life with nary a worry. Or at the most worrying about what to wear to work or how to comb my hair.

Instead I'm me. And while I do love myself I wish I was easier for others to understand. Most days I'm happy I'm not part of the crowd, but on days like today I'd give a lot just to blend in. To fit in. For my life to chug along like everyone else's.

Why am I writing this here? Cos I haven't been writing here regularly so I know the chances of someone reading this are slight. So I can put out my feelings without worrying about giving out too much of myself.

Why does my nose run everytime I cry? I wish I could cry daintily...so people would feel bad and come running to make me feel better. As it is I am a mess. That's why I cry in the shadows. In private. When there's no one to wipe away my tears. But still hoping desperately that someone would.

A silent cry for help. So be it. Here God. Here's a prayer. I'm not going to pray for anything specific cos we both know that ain't going to happen. Instead, all I ask is that You show me what You want and help me do it with a minimum of fuss and pain.

Isn't it time you stop playing these games. Get on with it; or let me quit.