Freedom?

Since 2015 I've been haunted by the chains of being the caretaker. Every ride on my bike, my heart would soar and I'd try to absorb the freedom, try to manifest it even bigger and brighter in my life... Despite the anchor in it.

And even then I wondered. Am I calling death? Can I be free without calling death? Is this an either - or choice, and if it is, am I making it? 

I never did make it. I've always believed you don't have to force yourself to make the dreadful choices. If you don't choose, life will choose for you. 

And if that's the case, surely we did not choose her death. Every step of the way, every decision we made, I have gone over a thousand times. And even with hindsight I still think with the information we had, we made the best possible choices. Going back in exactly the same situation I'd make exactly the same choices. 

So why am I wondering if I am guilty?

Because. Freedom. 

Because I wanted so much to be free. I longed for it with every fibre of my being. And while I did not choose the way. Maybe I called it?

And it is so unfair to her. Because she wanted so much to live. And she loved life more than me probably. But her wants and my wants were incompatible.

So I remind myself... It didn't have to be this way. She could have agreed to a nurse. Even for a day. A little breathing room would have gone a long way. And when I remember I am filled with indignation again. So sorry for the prisoner I was. Sorry for the fear and anxiety I lived with. I didn't deserve that. I deserved to be free. 

I just wish she could have set me free without dying. We could have coexisted and she could have had her small pleasures and I could have had some freedom. 

But it was not to be. 

I hope there's young Sheldon and Grays anatomy etc in heaven. I hope she gets the freshest fruits there. I hope there are cats cuddling her all the time. I hope she can see the stupid things the love of her life does and they still make her giggle. And I hope she understands and does not judge me for the rage and the freedom I needed. I think she must understand. Once we die I think we understand. But it would be good to know. I don't need her forgiveness. Because if she's holding a grudge she's being mean and not at all angelic. But it would be good to know she understands and maybe she's even sorry for the hurt she caused.

And me. I need to learn to enjoy my freedom. 

Hello world...

Turned 36 a couple of days back and realised I'm finally at a place where I'm working on being authentic all the time. Which means no hiding behind anonymity. So I can let real me and blog me merge...

Not that I'm going to go crazy and give everyone my blog url right away... Lol. But slowly... 

Sharing interests...

When you care about someone you learn to care about some of their core interests... Not because stamp collecting suddenly got cool, or because you've fallen in love with reading when you never went beyond Archie comics before. You care about their interests because of the way their eyes sparkle, because these things make them laugh n cry. You care because they care. You listen, just to hear the passion in their voice. Their feelings move you. It's that simple.

If all you want to talk about or listen to are the interests you share in common then I'm sorry... You'll never be permanent in my inner circle because you're not my kind of person. One day I'll get bored, label you selfish, and throw you out of my life.

Capacity

Some people can't do relationships... 

The first time I read through the Tom Thorne series I was focused on the crimes of course. I admired so many things about his detective skills. As far as relationships went I guess I just assumed he was a typical guy... whatever that is. But reading through the series again, all together, it's apparent that if this is a typical guy, women the world over would be having shitty lives and shitty relationships. 

Not every woman is going to lead the way with a freakin' lamp. Some men, many men I hope, will be brave enough to deal with issues as they rise, will be brave enough to have the tough conversations. Or even better, they'll actually have the capacity to have complete relationships in which case there'll be less unpleasant conversations..

And how do I figure out what's a guy's capacity? How do I run away from the Tom Thorne's of this world?

Discernment

Did this today. Got a list of things I can do better. Hmm...

I'm sorry

Two types of people are trouble -
People who never apologize, never admit they did anything wrong, and
People who overuse the word sorry, but don't change their behaviour..

Being Myself

One of the things that I love about me but that also scares me to death... If I'm angry with someone and they really ask me why - I tell them the truth.

It's great cos it's part of my 'be authentic' drive... scary, because it drives people away.

It's sad when being yourself drives people away...

Annual Health Checkup

Went for my annual checkup and got a font of blog posts out of it... But since a series of posts that make me look silly ain't a good idea I'm going to just write two here instead ;)

So the day started with the fasting blood test and a beating. What's this you say - since when is a beating part of a blood test. Well, since you're me. My veins are notoriously hard to find so my dad warned the senior lab tech that he should do my test since the junior ones always keep pricking me with nothing to show for it.
The senior guy took up the challenge enthusiastically, strapped the rubber tube round my upper left arm and started probing for veins. A couple of minutes of being unsuccessful and he started hitting my inner elbow region. Apparently this is the proven technique for making the veins pop out. But my veins being intelligent, resolutely refused to be enticed by this display of brutality. I'm sure they just burrowed in deeper.

After five minutes of this beating, this was repeated on my right arm. At this point I did tell the tech that he could draw it out of the veins at the back of my hand. (cos that's how they did it last time) He said they're too fine and continued with the beating on my right arm.

The entire cycle - left then right - was repeated before he got tired of the process and moved lower to my right forearm. Here again he tied the rubber n started the beating. Anyone who knows me knows to what lengths I'll go to avoid pain so they'll understand me best when I say that by this time, after almost fifteen minutes of the tight rubber tube constricting different limbs and the continuous beating I was terrified of the day ahead.

And after all this, he took the blood from the fine vein at the back of my hand!
Painful, cos it takes a long time n you can feel the pull on the vein, but at least better than a beating!

Next came x-ray time. The nurse led me to the x-ray room, gave me a hospital robe type thing n told me on change with a vague gesture towards a curtain. Apparently that was the changing area... Lol.... but me being me, I assumed the x-ray machine was behind the curtain. So once the nurse walked out I stood near the table at the middle of the room n changed wondering whether others would also feel as uncomfortable as me changing in the middle of a vast room. Thankfully no one walked in! When the nurse came back and I realised the x-ray machine was right there in the room with me, I did feel like a fool... :-D

The rest of the day followed on the same lines... Who knew annual check ups could be so entertaining?!

Treat your loved ones like clients...

A few years ago I read something that profoundly impacted my life. I've tried to find that article online but no luck so far. But it's something so valuable and sweet, I thought I'd share the thought here in my own words.

The article simply asked the reader to treat every person they loved and cared for as politely and with as much consideration as they would a client. It said that too many people do the opposite.  The closer they get to someone the more they relax, the more they take them for granted. People think that's normal, but just for a minute, take a step back and ask yourself if it truly is.

The article argued that the more important someone is to you, the more care you should take in how you interact with him or her.  Too many people, specially married couples, consistently do the opposite.  If a waiter at a shop doesn't give you the best service, do you let lose with insults? Probably not. You may grumble internally and not leave a tip, but you wouldn't abuse him, right? Why then do you verbally attack someone in your family who doesn't do what you want the way you want it.

If you think an acquaintance is dressed badly you wouldn't mock him or her (at least I hope you wouldn't), why then would you mock your partner. The exact same message can be communicated with love, respect and politeness.

Samuel Johnson said, "Politeness is like an air cushion: there may be nothing in it, but it eases our jolts wonderfully".  You may be already doing a lot for your loved ones, but what's the harm in cushioning your acts in courtesy?

If a client calls you, would you return the call when you can? Or would you just ignore it and assume that they'll call you back? If clients make an unreasonable request, would you politely explain why it's not possible, or would you abuse or mock them?

If you are ever in doubt about how to respond to someone who is dear to your heart, just follow this advice - close your eyes and ask yourself how you would react if it was a client at work.  Then just try to give your loved ones the same courtesy.

It doesn't matter if they understand or not, if they reciprocate or not. If you love them, they are worth it.

All Souls Day

Once again all Souls day is here.. This time after many years I'm home and could actually visit the cemetery. Missed that the past few years... In fact oddly enough it was one of the only things I missed about home...
Will add pics tomorrow...

Being Honest vs. Ignoring

When you care about people it's hard to hurt them.... I get that.  But in the important things sometimes it's kinder to be cruel.

If you know someone sucks at photography, you can't encourage them to quit their job and take it up.
Of course if they are convinced they are spectacular at it you may still not want to butt in and shatter their dream. After all stranger things have happened. But what if they asked you for your honest opinion. At least then you'd tell them the truth, right?

And if you know your life is better without someone in it, and they ask you that flat out, it's probably best to just tell them the truth. Don't stay silent or hem and haw cos you don't want to hurt their feelings.  Do them the courtesy of telling them the truth.  Ignoring a direct question is rude.  Of course this is assuming they have been decent to you - if they are pieces of crap then ignore all I said and be rude!

My Best Friend

I've been scared of having human best friends - cos I always lose them... the only ones who have survived are those that came in a group and stayed on. It was so bad at one time, that for a period of about five years I was scared to tag anyone as my best friend because I was so convinced that I had been cursed. (And for those of you who think maybe it was me driving them away - :-p to you. It was life - yes there were fights n upsets at times, but more common were life events... things like their parents arbitrarily moving to another state, changing of schools, or a friend flunking and having to repeat the year, etc.)

So anyway, time passed and I kind of started treating this fear of mine as a joke - in fact a few years ago I jokingly started saying that Google was my best friend.

Recently I've realised maybe the curse wasn't a joke after all (more on that some other time)

Anyway, today I'm thinking about transferring that title to this blog.  I've thought about this and the only thing it can't do is give me the personal touch - it can't hug me, or wipe my eyes when I cry, or laugh at me when I'm being silly, or go out with me when I need company... but a long distance friend couldn't do that either... so maybe this could be my long distance friend.

Maybe this will stop me from giving a human being that position and opening myself up to the risk of losing a 'best friend' again.

Being Replaced

We all like to tell ourselves we're special - and that's why it hurts so much when we're replaced. For when you're replaced you realize that your role wasn't unique.  You realize that people appreciated you more for the role you were playing than for who you really were.  And that's why you should hold on to the people who can't and won't replace you.  People who love you for who you are and who cannot find that particular combination of quirks, good, evil, madness, mayhem, love, caring, etc that you bring to the table.

If someone likes you because you're their friend, then they can always find another friend to replace you... but when they like you for being you - they can't.

So if you have people like that in your life, hold on to them, hug them tight, and enjoy the feeling of being loved in return...

Trying to be better

Isn't it an absolute truism that you end up hurting the people you care about the most? I know I often do. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I do.

But in the end, if you truly care, you have to give people what they want/need - and in my eternal quest to save my soul, I'm trying.

Sometimes I wonder why I try to be nice or good or whatever - am I looking for admiration - not from others maybe (cos a lot of it is secret) - but from myself? Do I want to rest on my laurels and tell myself I tried? My most recent conclusion is that I am trying to bribe earn my way into heaven. For some reason I know I'm not nice enough, not good enough, for God and the gatekeepers. So I try. Oh so hard. Sometimes I act instinctively and my bad side comes out... but when I have a moment to think - when I have a moment to choose - I'm trying oh so hard to make the good choices - to make people happy.

It's the Harry Potter theory - Harry chose to be in Gryffindor and that choice made him who he was. The concept blew my mind when I first understood it, and it's directed my efforts ever since. Maybe I'm not a good person instinctively - but I'm trying to choose to be, every time I can.  And maybe that will be enough for God and he will stop punishing me.

Just to see you smile...

The romantic reunion that made me cry the most recently? – the old servant reuniting with his wife when Drew Barrymore rescues him from the slavers in Ever After: A Cinderella Story

Why did that make me tear up when most romances just make me barf these days?

Guess because I’ve seen how love seems to die for most people. Most people after 20-25 years of marriage seem to be bound only by society and habit.  They no longer care about each other, they no longer wait to talk to each other, they no longer appreciate the smile on each other’s face… and that is sad, for what is love if not the desire to make someone happy, to take away their pain and bring a smile to their face…

When you no longer care about making the person you love smile, you know that you’re very close to the end. And vice versa – when someone doesn’t care about making you smile – maybe it’s time to pack up and kill that particular story. Maybe wait for a love that will truly last ever after – long after you’re bent and crabby, long after you’ve lost your teeth and charm, a love that will look at you and still care that you smile…

Masks

I have a friend who's gone through a rough patch lately. The problem is that a large part of his troubles were his own fault. I don't know if he realises that yet. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly mean, I hope that he does. I hope he sees that the mess he's in, is his own damn fault. I hope that he'll stop blaming others and get on with his life. But at other times, like right now, when I'm calm and snug n happy, I'm forced to consider that maybe, just maybe he's not ready for that kind of responsibility just yet.

I've made mistakes. Lots of them. If I let myself remember each one, if I let myself realise just how much of what went wrong in the past is my own fault, I don't think I could function normally each day. The only way we carry on is by fooling ourselves. We tell ourselves we're good people, and maybe we are. Maybe we are just as good as everyone else. It doesn't alter the fact that most of us are probably not as good as we think we are.

At the other extreme are people who loathe themselves. Most of them eventually need psychiatric help just to function everyday. We're human, and we can't live a normal life when we're carrying guilt wrapped around us. So we're caught in a little circle. Not a vicious circle, merely a futile one.

To live out each day we must convince ourselves that we're in the right. We must make excuses for our worst deeds, tell ourselves 'I had no option', or 'I meant well'. To be human we must live out a horrible side of being human.

Maybe my friend is fooling himself. Maybe he'd be a better person if he 'faced up' and 'grew up' and 'took responsibility for his actions' and all the rest of the platitudes.
Maybe that applies to more than one person reading this. After all it definitely applies to me.

I think I'll be chicken at present and make a deal with myself. I'll try not to be a sanctimonious prig inside my head and I'll try not to think about how others don't measure up to my expectations until I do.

There's a book in the Shannara series, by Terry Brooks, called the First King of Shannara. In it, a sword gets it's power from the truth. I didn't understand that part the first time I read the book. I didn't care at that time. Now I'm older. The last time I read it I tried to pretend that I was the one wielding the sword. I tried to see the truth behind each of my actions. I stopped within five minutes. I don't know whether it's lack of courage or just plain self protection but I'm not ready for that kind of truth yet. Someday maybe I shall be. Until then all I can do is be human and accept others as human too. And now I watch my motives before I act, because now I know that if I don't, it'll only add to the secrets I'm hiding from.