End of a saga

In 2013 I met someone with whom I had some of the best and worst experiences of my life. He came in at a point when I really needed a friend. Helped me immensely, and then in less then a year we were no longer friends.

Every time I meet people I wonder, are they in my life for a reason, season, or lifetime... With him I always thought it was a lifetime. I've never had a friendship like that before, and I don't expect or even want to have one like that again.

When things ended so badly, at one point I wondered if it was worth it.

Guess it was for a reason. To change me and my life. Or rather to make the transition easier / more inevitable...

Anyway, the reason this is on my mind is that this friend is changing his life yet again... And in the process changing several other lives too I imagine...

I wish him well, the person I knew deserves good.

A part of me is mourning the end of a saga. One that challenged me, shook me, and that sometimes took my breath away... The rest of me is just so glad I don't have to deal with any of his angst ever again... :D

August 2014 - An ending

August 2014 - So many things can happen in a month... Some good, some bad

True to form, I'm going to write about the bad - hoping that this blog will help me process my life as it did 8 years ago when it made me who I am.

I'm so picky about my friends because I truly believe I have high standards.  And because I pick them so carefully I usually never hesitate to give them my all.  Because of which, when for the first time a friend accused me of 'conduct-unbecoming-a-friend', I was shattered.  I'm so used to my friends trusting me and knowing that I would do anything for them maybe it was just a gigantic kick to my ego.  But jokes apart - yes, it hurt. And yes, it broke me. And yes, I crawled into my head and licked my wounds until other friends finally told me to snap out of it because to them I've been the friend I always believed myself to be.  So, here I am, once again myself again. Thanks to those who reminded me I'm so much more than one person's opinion of me.  Scarred again, but hell, whats a few scars anyway.  Down the road they just remind you how strong you are.

That was a few weeks ago, but much worse than that was in store.  Once again I've been proved wrong.  And the funny thing is I wasn't even trying to be proved right or wrong.  I made a request, a simple one.  One that could be fulfilled by the expenditure of time and caring.  The problem with making simple requests is that it feels so much worse when they are ignored.  Ask for something complicated and you can tell yourself that the person couldn't grant it.  Ask for something simple and you'll feel every denial like a million little reminders of how unimportant your request was.  So how was I wrong?  I didn't think the request was a big deal.  Its only now, when I'm feeling like a discarded tissue (my favourite metaphor) that I realize what a big deal the repercussions of denial of a small request can be.

I hope September is better...

Forgiveness

A friend gave me a wonderful gift and then took it away. He didn't mean to hurt me but did.  He apologized, I forgave him. End of story. Or it should be....

The problem is I am still angry.  The anger sweeps over me unexpectedly and then I have to remind myself of how I'd feel if the tables were turned to force myself to cool down.  After all if I had hurt someone unthinkingly and then genuinely apologized, I'd want them to forgive me.  So why can't I get this out of my mind?!

Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't believe it was completely unthinking.  I think at some level, he must have known what would happen.  And maybe it's because a part of me also believes he doesn't have any idea how much he hurt me.  Maybe he doesn't think I am justified in feeling so bad.

I don't know. I may never know. It may not be important anyway.  Things come and go.  I just wish this anger would be one of those things. 

Thanksgiving

I'm not someone who's really into the meaning behind festivals - Don't get me wrong, I love festivals that give me time off work or that involve gift giving.  But the actual meaning behind a festival has never moved me.

Almost all festivals are tributes to Gods or to historical customs.For instance, Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ, Ganesh Chaturthi, the birthday of Lord Ganesha, Onam and other harvest festivals are historically tied to the harvest seasons - originally a way of pleasing the Nature Gods, and I could go on and on..

Thanksgiving also is actually a harvest festival.  A way of thanking the Gods.  But what I've grown to love about it is the very literal way that it is celebrated.  As a day for giving thanks for all the good things and people in your life.

So for the past two years, every Thanksgiving I try to thank the people in my life that I am grateful for.  I don't always do it very gracefully and sometimes I even mess it up (that's fodder for another post) but I do try.

And so this post is for someone who is arguably my closest friend, I'll call her C here.  (She knows who she is.)

We've been friends for 22 years now.  We've shared our lives, our hopes as they bloomed, and helped each other rake out the ashes of those hopes that got cremated.  Those that lived to grow into actual events we celebrated together, often across miles.  She's the first person I call when something unexpected happens, and usually the last person I talk to each night.  She knows and accepts most of the unsavory parts of my personality.  (Probably because she's also the most saintly person I know - someone who has an immense capacity to forgive and accept people's flaws.)  She's been through crap so many times and come out smelling of roses each and every time... so to the best friend a girl could could have - C, thanks for being you and for being such a big part of my life. I know things will morph and change but I know we'll always be able to count on each other.

Flirting and the Friend Zone - Part 1

So friend contains the word fried.  After all the reading I've done on Lexigrams I should be able to make something of that... but I can't.  So I'll leave that for another day.

In today's advice column, let's talk about flirting and the friend zone, or rather how to stay out of it.

Cos that's what we all want right?

I'll answer that myself.  No - young girls - in all their innocence - may think that the friend zone is fine for a variety of reasons. These girls usually fall in one of two categories:

Girl category 1 - Girls who believe it'll happen someday.
Motto: So what if he doesn't love me yet - some day he will.

Grow up darling.  I'm not saying it'll never happen - but you know what they say about relying on the exception right?

You don't?

Okay - well here's the rule you should follow - REALISE THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION.

Girl category 2 - The Martyr
Motto:  I live to serve you

This is the girl who loves the guy so much that she just wants to be there for him and support him expecting nothing in return.

To these girls - well what can I say.  I've been there. Standing by my man's side with unflinching love.  Until I grew up and realized that men don't need it, don't appreciate it, and don't want it.  If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup would you want it?  [Not that I'm calling you soup.  If that offends you I'll call you ice cream.  Happy?]  Ahem - let me rephase -> If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup ice-cream would you want it?  Sure if you're starving you'll be grateful - but in the end - its not what you want.  And nothing in the world will turn soup ice-cream into biryani.

***

So anyway, I need to get back to doing real stuff instead of gabbing away here -> but my experiments with men, flirting and the friend zone shall continue... More on that later...

Stop Acting the Goat!!!

How do you tell someone they are acting the goat (to borrow a phrase from Captain Haddock)...

People can be so pig-headed goat-headed.  They won't be logical, but at the same time won't make allowances for emotion.  And in the end, no matter how emotional I can get, I eventually hit rock bottom.

You can make me cry and bawl a day or two - but eventually there'll be nothing left.  Eventually all I feel is dead inside.  Nice time to make a move, no? (Very Indian sentence structure... lol... can't help it... must lighten this grim mood.....)

So anyway Professor Goat... as I was saying... do what you want to do....  if you think you'll be happy hiring that two-faced lying %^#@^.. (ahem... am I getting carried away here? Do children read this blog?... Nah... why would any self respecting child read this blog... surely they'll have something better to do....)... anyway, ahem,... where was I?

Oh right.  If you think you'll be happy working with that liar that lied to your face and enacted a multi part script... go right ahead.  Don't you realise he made a fool of all of us?! You included! I'll be right here with a cushion for your ass once you're done kicking yourself.

And if you dare ask me why I didn't say this to you.... I'll tell the truth.  You never believe me unless you want to.  Whenever it suits you, you choose to think I'm misguided, unthinking, or just plain wrong.  Well, it doesn't matter now.  It's your life.  You have to live it.  Considering the person you are, you'll probably fall on your feet like a cat.  Though how any self-respecting cat could work with that two-faced rat!!! is beyond me.  But this judgement will remain on the pages of this blog... cos this isn't the real world.  And here I don't have to censor myself. And here I can be wrong.  And maybe I will be wrong. (Though I don't think so - I personally think that lying SOB is going to chew you up and spit you out....)

Will we survive this?  I don't think so.  If this was a season, it's probably coming to an end.   I can't bear pain and loss.  I'd rather rip the band aid off and count one more friend down.  After all - 10 years isn't that long.

Slamming Doors

I have had a very close friend. He got married.  Now I have one less friend.

It’s insidious - this conspiracy that some married people have against having single friends.  I have no deigns on him.  I am not interested in his marital life.  I wouldn’t interfere, or criticise, or do anything.  All I would have done was discuss politics, organizational behaviour, psychology, science, and other topics of mutual interest.  But apparently, that’s not okay.  So… I have one less friend.

I don’t think this is a dictat from his wife.  Or maybe it is.  But frankly I don’t care who is behind it – he or his wife.  I haven’t confronted him.  I’ve noticed him drawing away and I’m respecting his behaviour by keeping my distance.  I’m just crying inside and grieving for the loss of another friend.

What do you do when people draw away?

What do you do when people draw away?

a) try to understand what went wrong and fix it,
b) cry and get depressed,
c) tell them to go f*$% themselves

I've tried all of the above.  Right now, I think my vote would go to "C".  Okay, so maybe I wouldn't "tell" them, but I would "think" it and silently scream it at them.

Friendship. . . of a kind

Last week was the toughest week of my life, emotionally at least.

I realised friendship has different meaning to different people.
I learned that someone that I considered one of my best friends doesn't really care that much about me.
I realised that most people will only be friends with you when you're happy and gay and cheer them up.
I realised that your truest friends are those who will be there for you no matter how low and whiny you feel. No matter how much you cry and complain all day.
I learned that the only way I can protect myself from being hurt by friends is by drawing away so that I don't care for them more than they care for me.

The secret to any relationship for me would be balance.

I'm not one of those people who can carry all the weight of a one sided relationship, whether it is love, friendship or anything else.

And at the end of all this... nothing has changed on the surface. Anyone looking in at my life would say everything is the same.

But it isn't. I'll never be as naively happy as I was before.