Surface People

Surface people, 

Surface smiles,

I've met quite a few,

as I trudge across life's miles

While I've liked some,

They've been few and far between,

Most of the time I can't stand them,

They never make it through my screen

They seem to have it easy,

Away from Saturn's glare,

It's easy to not have worries,

If you just don't care

Sometimes I wish I could be like them,

And not give a damn,

Make decisions with my head,

Whenever I'm in a jam

But at the end that's not who I am,

I've found my heart needs equal space,

It wants to be co-ruler of my life, 

Head and heart co-existing in grace

Unfortunately what this means,

Is more pain than I'd wish to feel,

That's the price I pay for being me,

I just have to learn to deal.

Thanksgiving

I'm not someone who's really into the meaning behind festivals - Don't get me wrong, I love festivals that give me time off work or that involve gift giving.  But the actual meaning behind a festival has never moved me.

Almost all festivals are tributes to Gods or to historical customs.For instance, Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ, Ganesh Chaturthi, the birthday of Lord Ganesha, Onam and other harvest festivals are historically tied to the harvest seasons - originally a way of pleasing the Nature Gods, and I could go on and on..

Thanksgiving also is actually a harvest festival.  A way of thanking the Gods.  But what I've grown to love about it is the very literal way that it is celebrated.  As a day for giving thanks for all the good things and people in your life.

So for the past two years, every Thanksgiving I try to thank the people in my life that I am grateful for.  I don't always do it very gracefully and sometimes I even mess it up (that's fodder for another post) but I do try.

And so this post is for someone who is arguably my closest friend, I'll call her C here.  (She knows who she is.)

We've been friends for 22 years now.  We've shared our lives, our hopes as they bloomed, and helped each other rake out the ashes of those hopes that got cremated.  Those that lived to grow into actual events we celebrated together, often across miles.  She's the first person I call when something unexpected happens, and usually the last person I talk to each night.  She knows and accepts most of the unsavory parts of my personality.  (Probably because she's also the most saintly person I know - someone who has an immense capacity to forgive and accept people's flaws.)  She's been through crap so many times and come out smelling of roses each and every time... so to the best friend a girl could could have - C, thanks for being you and for being such a big part of my life. I know things will morph and change but I know we'll always be able to count on each other.

Flirting and the Friend Zone - Part 1

So friend contains the word fried.  After all the reading I've done on Lexigrams I should be able to make something of that... but I can't.  So I'll leave that for another day.

In today's advice column, let's talk about flirting and the friend zone, or rather how to stay out of it.

Cos that's what we all want right?

I'll answer that myself.  No - young girls - in all their innocence - may think that the friend zone is fine for a variety of reasons. These girls usually fall in one of two categories:

Girl category 1 - Girls who believe it'll happen someday.
Motto: So what if he doesn't love me yet - some day he will.

Grow up darling.  I'm not saying it'll never happen - but you know what they say about relying on the exception right?

You don't?

Okay - well here's the rule you should follow - REALISE THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION.

Girl category 2 - The Martyr
Motto:  I live to serve you

This is the girl who loves the guy so much that she just wants to be there for him and support him expecting nothing in return.

To these girls - well what can I say.  I've been there. Standing by my man's side with unflinching love.  Until I grew up and realized that men don't need it, don't appreciate it, and don't want it.  If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup would you want it?  [Not that I'm calling you soup.  If that offends you I'll call you ice cream.  Happy?]  Ahem - let me rephase -> If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup ice-cream would you want it?  Sure if you're starving you'll be grateful - but in the end - its not what you want.  And nothing in the world will turn soup ice-cream into biryani.

***

So anyway, I need to get back to doing real stuff instead of gabbing away here -> but my experiments with men, flirting and the friend zone shall continue... More on that later...

More sad poetry...

I saw a garden full of flowers,

each smiling and bobbing its head,

not knowing, not guessing,

that soon each smiling face would be dead.

They laugh, they cry,

they live, they die,

leaving us, rotten poets,

standing still, and asking why

Why should they ever live,

if they soon have to die,

why should they ever know,

what its like to be free, to fly

They should be earthbound

cocooned and lifeless

not deluded with false hopes

when all know they are hopeless

They should smash their heads

On the stones at their feet

Stab themselves with their thorns

Bleed with each heartbeat,

If I could comfort them I would,

Though a cold comfort it'd be,

I'd tell them to fake a smile,

and to learn from the distant sea.

the sea is cold and wonderful,

it can shine or it can suck,

it crashes and destroys and uplifts,

and in the end it doesn't give a fuck.

It's a baby girl...

I read this post and I cried...

If you're a girl in India... you probably will too.

And if you have no clue what I'm talking about - I envy you!

It feels so good....

...until it feels so bad

Three years ago

I stood on a shore

wondering if this was it

if I'd ever love again

God laughed

I found love that day

in a spectacularly unexpected way

A love that warmed an unloved heart

And I was happy... at the start

God laughed, the page turned

all wasn't as it seemed, I learned

my love died (in more ways than one)

left me in the shadows, entered the sun,

And that was the story so far

So I put my feelings in a jar

Decided - No making plans, no bluff,

Give God no reason to laugh

But now once again,

like an absolute sucker for pain,

I feel that old familiar feeling sweeping over me

I feel a quiver in each dimpled knee

My heart sings songs, my thoughts scatter

from lost alleyways my dreams, they gather

And I know God probably just wants a laugh

But I find myself tempted, torn in half,

would it be so bad, to allow myself to feel so good

to build castles in the air, and count stars in the wood

Will I be strong enough to bear the pain ahead

when my happiness eventually stops dead,

should I give heart a chance, for now be glad,

should I allow myself to feel so good....until I feel so bad...

XPS 12 Sierra

A side effect of stress it may be but no one can deny that it is adorable.  Will post a picture later...

Edited - Later :-)

Here's what it looks likes...

My One Wish

Humans are wonderful, but they have many flaws.  One of the biggest is the instinctive tendency to be contrary.  If you don't need to do something, chances are you may decide to do it or not, depending on what you feel like.  But if you need to do it, most probably you will resent it, at least unconsciously.

And that's why, God willing, I will never need someone; I will never be dependent on someone.  Not physically, not emotionally, not financially, not socially.

Yesterday I didn't know what was the one thing I would ask for if I had one wish.

Today I know.

Stop Acting the Goat!!!

How do you tell someone they are acting the goat (to borrow a phrase from Captain Haddock)...

People can be so pig-headed goat-headed.  They won't be logical, but at the same time won't make allowances for emotion.  And in the end, no matter how emotional I can get, I eventually hit rock bottom.

You can make me cry and bawl a day or two - but eventually there'll be nothing left.  Eventually all I feel is dead inside.  Nice time to make a move, no? (Very Indian sentence structure... lol... can't help it... must lighten this grim mood.....)

So anyway Professor Goat... as I was saying... do what you want to do....  if you think you'll be happy hiring that two-faced lying %^#@^.. (ahem... am I getting carried away here? Do children read this blog?... Nah... why would any self respecting child read this blog... surely they'll have something better to do....)... anyway, ahem,... where was I?

Oh right.  If you think you'll be happy working with that liar that lied to your face and enacted a multi part script... go right ahead.  Don't you realise he made a fool of all of us?! You included! I'll be right here with a cushion for your ass once you're done kicking yourself.

And if you dare ask me why I didn't say this to you.... I'll tell the truth.  You never believe me unless you want to.  Whenever it suits you, you choose to think I'm misguided, unthinking, or just plain wrong.  Well, it doesn't matter now.  It's your life.  You have to live it.  Considering the person you are, you'll probably fall on your feet like a cat.  Though how any self-respecting cat could work with that two-faced rat!!! is beyond me.  But this judgement will remain on the pages of this blog... cos this isn't the real world.  And here I don't have to censor myself. And here I can be wrong.  And maybe I will be wrong. (Though I don't think so - I personally think that lying SOB is going to chew you up and spit you out....)

Will we survive this?  I don't think so.  If this was a season, it's probably coming to an end.   I can't bear pain and loss.  I'd rather rip the band aid off and count one more friend down.  After all - 10 years isn't that long.

July 2013

Changes again...

Back again from 3 weeks in the UK... in the middle of the biggest project of my life... someone planning to move away... me holding a bag...

Messages from God... but still so scared... ulcers forming???... Oh God help please... Que cera cera... but hurry!!!

Performance Management

February and March have been crazy for the past three years as performance management time roles around again.  This year it's been quieter.  Maybe because a lot of the work was done over the last two years and we can use a lot of what we created previously.

So as March rolls around this year, for the first time I'm not as close to breaking point as I usually am at this time of the year.  Life is good.

:-)

Slamming Doors

I have had a very close friend. He got married.  Now I have one less friend.

It’s insidious - this conspiracy that some married people have against having single friends.  I have no deigns on him.  I am not interested in his marital life.  I wouldn’t interfere, or criticise, or do anything.  All I would have done was discuss politics, organizational behaviour, psychology, science, and other topics of mutual interest.  But apparently, that’s not okay.  So… I have one less friend.

I don’t think this is a dictat from his wife.  Or maybe it is.  But frankly I don’t care who is behind it – he or his wife.  I haven’t confronted him.  I’ve noticed him drawing away and I’m respecting his behaviour by keeping my distance.  I’m just crying inside and grieving for the loss of another friend.

What do you do when people draw away?

What do you do when people draw away?

a) try to understand what went wrong and fix it,
b) cry and get depressed,
c) tell them to go f*$% themselves

I've tried all of the above.  Right now, I think my vote would go to "C".  Okay, so maybe I wouldn't "tell" them, but I would "think" it and silently scream it at them.

Judgments

The original article behind the picture is here.  Chances are you've already seen it since it's gone viral.  I just saw it today but it brought to the forefront of my mind a question that has been disturbing me all month.  How judgmental am I?  Like everyone else I don't like people judging me.  Making a snap opinion based on the way I look, the clothes I wear, etc.  And yet, don't I do the same? Isn't that very normal?  Is a snap judgment bad only when it leads you to treat the person differently?

I don't know. But I hope I figure it out.