Mental Energy

What do you do when your parent is regressing?

How do you fight the hundreds of daily battles and still find the time and energy to earn a living as well as do adult tasks like link your bloody Aadhaar card to your Mobile, fight with the bank for the death benefits of your deceased parent on behalf of your surviving rapidly-regressing parent, find time to see your dentist, find time to take your father to a neurologist for his annual checkup, find time to take your kitten (the stray that adopted you) for neutering, find time to see about investments and taxes, find time to see your sibling gets the medical care she needs, find time to do necessary repairs for the house, find time to find good repair people for the necessary repairs for the house, find time to...

And if you think I'm wasting time by ranting here I'm not.. I'm sitting in the loo and hiding from my regressing parent because if I don't I'll scream and cry. And I'm so tired of feeling like I have nothing good to say to people when they inquire how we are doing. I feel like a complain box. But I also don't want to lie and say we are doing great. So great. The greatest ever. Lol... Motherfucking Trump. Anyway yeah, getting back to my rant. Maybe if I vent here I'll feel better. This blog has done it for me in the past. Been my silent sounding board. Maybe that's all I need. 

No i also need to re-start meditating.

I know it will help. So why don't I.

Cos im acting like a pathetic loser Victim. just refusing to do the bare minimum to make my life better.

Okay. Rant over. Need to meditate.

Working thru grief when it hits

Where we lived hospice was not an option. My mother battled sepsis and was in and out of the ICU for about 6 months, mostly in a coma. But even when conscious she couldn't communicate cos of the tracheostomy and cos she somehow couldn't use her hands to write or signal. Her mind wasn't okay enough to even sign when we pointed out alphabets. She had the most drawn out death and it hurts to think of her dying like that. She could hardly communicate with us but when my dad went to see her once she held his hand and kissed it. From someone who was always undemonstrative that broke my heart. How she must have loved him. My dad could hardly bear to visit her or talk to her cos it hurt him to even see her or think of her suffering. Even now he can't look at her photo much as he gets choked up. I don't know if she missed him just spending time next to her. He' would just chase after doctors and fight with them instead of just sitting and holding her hand. Mummy I'm so sorry you had to die like that. It hits me suddenly sometimes and I wish you could just tell me you're okay.

We aren't doing a good jub back here. I know. But it's hard. I don't want to be born again. Please God. It's a pain and I'm one of the lucky ones.

I lost my domain

 I lost my domain. And thats sad cos it was cheap and now, just because i missed the renewal notice(s) I can't afford it.

Well.. tough luck but so what?

It's not like this blog ever took off there and it's not like the domain was ever hot property I could have sold off to the highest bidder so I guess it's no great loss. 

I can still use this mirror of my soul thanks to blogspot.

I just have to keep repeating this and avoid kicking myself.