Seasons greetings...

My Christmas's over the past few years have uniformly sucked. This year I decided I'd quit whining about what I couldn't have and make this Christmas really special. And I tried. I really did. But Christmas was Christmas as usual. Some nice moments, lots of hard work, and an amazing display of the power your family has to affect your mood.

That said, this Christmas was special for many other reasons. So many things have become clearer over the past few days. So many questions I've had, have been answered. Unexpectedly. Beautifully.

I don't normally write about religion. I do believe that everyone needs to believe in something, but that's for each one to find for themselves.

But this is Christmas. And I need to say this...

The world is going to hell and God isn't interfering. And I can understand His viewpoint. Most people today don't want him and don't believe in him. And as the world steps away from God, I can picture him sitting down resignedly and watching sadly as everything gets messed up. And I feel so sorry for Him. It must be so hard to see your baby turning away from you and telling you to keep out of his life. Because though the scrapes and cuts your baby gets when he's playing games with his friends don't matter in the end, it's hard to watch him fall and cry while you just stand by.

So this Christmas I'm praying for a little interference and a little meddling in my life in the year ahead. My life needs it.

This one is for the girls... especially for me...

After this post, I intended to write a companion piece to give some advice to all the girls I know. I held back because I truly believed it would be useless. Most girls who need advice are those who'll never take it and I include myself in that category. While I'm normally sane and reasonable, I've been known to fall crazily in love in the past. [Emphasis on crazy] At times like that my common sense deserts me and I'm convinced that though everything everyone says is right, my case is different. Of course my case is different. Everything I've told everyone else a hundred times couldn't possibly apply to me. Could it?

Well now when I'm all sane and balanced and definitely not in love, the answer is a very clear YES, IT COULD. SO I'm writing this post for myself. So that IF I'm ever blind and deaf to everything my friends tell me, I can come back to this post and get a virtual kick on my butt.

1. If you're sad more than you're happy, the relationship is NOT worth it. He may be a sweetheart. Really. But no matter how nice he is, if you are not happy then walk away and find someone who can make you happy and let him go free to find someone who's more suited to him.

2. Don't blame the 'other' girl. [This one I haven't been guilty of so far but I've seen it happen far too often.] If your husband / boyfriend / fiancé isn't as faithful to you as you'd like him to be, lay the blame at his door. Don't say "it's all that bitch's fault. She chases him, etc, etc" There'll always be people out to cause trouble. There'll always be women who'll tempt him and men who'll tempt you. The responsibility for being faithful is his and yours alone. DON'T blame the third party for YOUR bad choice. Because that's what it comes down to. Choice. Choose someone who doesn't betray your trust the first chance he gets. If your boyfriend or fiancé does cheat on you, thank your lucky stars that you found out in time and MOVE ON! There'll be someone better out there. Almost anyone would be better than a cheater after all.

3. Never ever be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself and keeps running you down. If he meant it as a joke but it upset you, then tell him and ask him not to do it again. If he does it again and then says he was joking and that you're not a good sport, the relationship will survive only in two ways. Either you consciously decide to toughen up so that you no longer feel bad about what he says, or else he agrees to lighten up on the criticism. Nothing else will work. In the long run, comments that make you feel bad about yourself, will kill your spirit.

4. Try and have your own life. Try and have your own friends. If you're used to having a lot of male friends, don't suddenly cut them out of your life just cos you're in a relationship. You can't expect your partner to replace all your friends. He'll be in over his head and desperate for air in no time at all.

5. Decide which principles you CAN'T compromise on and make the rules you live by very clear. Be flexible about all the rest. Respect his rules and his principles too. If they clash with yours, then you're going to have some serious problems. It's easy to compromise verbally, but when push comes to shove, if the issue is something you're really passionate about, then it may be best to go very slow or call it quits right in the beginning, when it's easier to walk away. Don't bury your head in the sand like an ostrich and then wake up a year later realising that it's still bothering you.

6. DON'T EXPECT MIRACULOUS CHANGES AFTER MARRIAGE!!! I've seen many girls who've put up with crap, confident that life would be better once they're married. Well so far I've haven't seen any miraculous changes after marriage. Small changes here and there, yes. People who show their adaptability before marriage may change quite a lot after marriage. But people who're stubbornly clinging to something all through the courtship period before marriage are probably not going to be reformed afterwards.

7. Don't ask for more than you're willing to give. It wouldn't be fair and could lead to built up resentment over time. Vice versa, if you're feeling resentful cos you're giving more, then just take a break and stop being such a carpet for him to walk over. Most of your sacrifices are probably unasked for. In fact they may pass totally unnoticed. That DOES NOT mean (a)you should do something he never asked you to do and then (b) tell him about it and (c)expect him to do something equivalent. If you want to do something for him, do it out of love. When you are feeling angry or resentful, stop doing it.

8. Keep any promises you make and watch and see if he keeps his. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship and it's earned by your actions every day. Don't lie to him, even about the small things. If you don't want to talk about something, avoid the topic. But never ever lie. Because when you're caught, things will never be the same again. This applies equally to both, so notice these things. I don't care how dreamy things may be at first. If he lies to you, MAKE A NOTE OF IT. It's best to be alert about these things right at the start. You wouldn't want to wake up 5 years later realising that you can't depend on the guy you've just wasted half a decade on.

9. Take him at his word. Most guys are very literal. If he says he's not sure then HE'S NOT SURE. If he says he needs time to think about the relationship then HE'S NOT SURE. This is a good thing, as long as you don't allow your rose covered dreams to influence what you're hearing. If he says he's not ready for a relationship and needs time, then take him at his word. If you are willing to take the relationship at his pace then don't bitch about it everyday. Wait a reasonable amount of time. If things are not working you always have the option to walk away. If you think he's already had enough time to make up his mind then you can always say "sorry, but I think I have to move on."

10. This one is pretty much covered by the previous ones but I just had to say it again. YOU CAN ALWAYS WALK AWAY. Too many girls I know (and I've done this myself) stay in a bad relationship just out of habit and affection and yes, sometimes out of love. We have to remember that we're choosing our own life everyday. We're choosing to be miserable. We're choosing to get hurt. We're choosing to close ourselves to all the wonderful guys out there by remaining stuck in bad relationships.

Because that's the truth. There are so many wonderful guys out there. Guys who can make you smile. Guys who can be both, men you can rely on and boys who'll make you laugh. Guys who'll let you grow and who will grow with you. Who'll encourage your secret dreams and who'll make you feel like a part of them. I've always wanted a love that I didn't have to question. A love that was without any doubts. And there are many guys out there who are capable of such love. No one should have to settle for less.

Life is a choice. When you wake up some morning 20 years hence and look at who's lying next to you, I hope you'll find that you have a smile on your face. With that picture in your mind look long and hard at the guy in your life today. Have you chosen well?

Bitterness

I'm tired of bitter people. I'm tired of trying to cheer them up. Fine. So I'm a happy person most of the time. That does not mean I have an inexhaustible amount of cheerfulness stored in me. That does not mean that some one can be bitter and sarcastic and not affect me.

I don't mind sad people. I feel bad for them but it doesn't drain me.

I don't mind sarcastic and funny people who think life is crap but who don't really give a damn. They'll just have fun in their own way. You won't find them moaning and looking enviously at others. You won't find them thinking the words "if only" a hundred times a day. They may smile at you mockingly but they have no bitterness in their eyes.

What I can't take any more are those souls out there who have been given a bad deal by life (or so they believe) and who refuse to ever forget it. And they refuse to let you forget it. Ever!

They give you a smile that tries to say "Look at me. Look how bravely I'm facing these trials life has thrown at me." Any chance they get they'll refer to the rough deal they're facing. Any attempt to cheer them up is met with "of course you wouldn't understand. You don't understand how the real world is. You think it's a good place. Well, you'll learn in time."

Bitterness is a futile feeling. A feeling of pain that often is twice as bad as the the pain that originally caused it. Hope can help you overcome it. But hope will find it tough to survive without the right atmosphere.

Like I said, there are those who'll say I don't know anything about it...

Well I have news for you, all you bitter, pathetic people out there. I may not have gone through the exact same crap you have gone through but I've gone through my fair share. And while there may be days when I cry, and there may be days when I want to sleep and never wake up, there are always other days. Better days. Days when life is good and clean. And if you try you can make the days balance out. But you have to try. You can't sit back and wait for life to make you happy. You have to grab every little bit of happiness life gives you. And you have to soak in it. Even if it's just a little drop of happiness,.. taste it, feel it,.. make much of it. That's the way it'll be entered in your memory. Then when things aren't so good you can take it out, unfold it carefully, and it'll help you carry on just a bit longer.

It'll help that little something called 'hope' survive in hostile territory.

And it'll make life a lot easier for those who care about you.

My Goth Name...

Proof that I've got too much time on my hands...

I went here and found out that my Goth name is Beautiful Nightmare

I'm not even sure what a Goth is but I'm ready to join them immediately! Any group that calls me a beautiful nightmare has earned my loyalty.

LASIK surgery

Back after more than a week... but with a really good excuse...

I had an eye operation.

See, told ya it was a good excuse.

So ok, the operation actually took just 10 minutes. 5 for each eye. So what? I've got to follow loads of special routines for one full month. ONE FULL MONTH.

The procedure is also known as:
1. Refractive surgery
2. Corneal reshaping
3. Vision correction

The past week has been hell. No reading/writing/watching t.v./using the computer/using the gas stove/washing my face...

Yes, I've had to wash my face in secret. So my mom doesn't see me. Because even if I try n explain that I'm just washing the bottom half of my face she'd just run on and on about how reckless I'm being. About how I shouldn't take chances. After I've already taken a really big one.

Lasik surgery is very safe. BUT... well there's always the chance that you could go blind if there's some instrument failure or through that good old standby - human error. And she didn't mind me taking a chance on that. Mother's!

Anyway, everyone's been demanding a special come-back post. I thought about writing about my fascination with guns/swords/bikes/guys who ride bikes/shaved heads/relationships/the purpose of life/inappropriate humour/death/sex/religion and ofcourse that old favourite - love.

But (yes,yes, heave a sigh of relief) I decided to stick to a very practical post for once. This is going to be a mere recital of how the surgery was carried out. Or as much as I could figure out. Every operation is shown on a T.V. screen outside the operation theatre so my folks could probably explain the whole thing a little better. I did try to watch an operation the day after mine, but my eyes kept tearing up. I think they didn't want to be reminded of the abuse they underwent. Or maybe it was just the strain of looking at the T.V. screen.

Ok, after running loads of tests the first day i was sent home with instructions to wash my hair and do everything I might want to do to my eyes. I'm not kidding. One doctor told me to do my eyebrows. Huh!

The next day they ran most of the tests again. I'm not sure if they thought my eyes would change overnight or if they didn't trust their equipment. I don't like either possibility.
They made me wear a green tie-around robe over my clothes and put plastic bags over my feet and my hair. (Maybe they weren't exactly plastic bags but that's what they felt like and I wasn't wearing my glasses so...)

Then they put anesthetic drops in my eyes and made me wait for the doctor. (Those drops really made a difference. I'm not sure how much actual pain they prevented but just thinking about them helped me convince my eyes they shouldn't be able to feel stuff they insisted on feeling.)
The damn chair didn't have arms and I was really surprised to find that I'd actually fallen asleep waiting for the doctor. The doctor was a really nice guy. The kind of guy who makes you scoff at the chance of the human error I mentioned above. Anyway, I was finally lying on the table, positioned properly under the machine, tucked in like a mummy. Then they covered my left eye and all I could think was 'just a few seconds, that's all it takes'.

They were very fast, I have to say. First they told me to hold my right eye open and they covered it with a clear plastic sheet/wrapper of some sort. My eye closed despite myself but they didn't seem to mind. I found I could still blink under the wrapper and I thought they'd have to do it again but the doc just started cutting through the plastic. It was scary enough when I was lying there, it was worse watching it on the T.V. the next day. I haven't seen scissors so close to an eye before.

Then he told me to focus on the pin point of green light above and told me I might feel some discomfort. I kept telling my eye it had been anaesthetised but I could still feel the pressure as he pressed down at the edges. As I saw the next day he'd put something round around the eyeball to prevent my eyelids from closing. Not a pleasant experience. My eyes started getting all teary immediately. I didn't know what he was doing the next minute but my folks said that's when he used a little brush or instrument of some kind to clean the surface of the eye.

Then came the worst bit. I saw it the next day and it looked almost as uncomfortable as it felt. The doctor told me to look straight at the green light and when my pupil was centered he put a suction thingy right over my poor pupil. It actually wasn't very uncomfortable when he did it to my right eye but but when he did it to the left eye, I had to focus pretty hard on the anesthetic drops.

After the suction came the best bit. The doctor had to cut a flap in the top layer of the cornea. This flap would be folded back so that the laser could be applied directly to the third layer. They'd warned me that everything would go black as the cut through and I'd expected to be scared but I can honestly say that I wasn't scared at all. My poor eye was so tired of all the bright lights and of being forced open that it was a relief when everything started to go black. It seemed to take quite some time and when they finally lifted the flap back and I could see again my eye was a bit rested and ready for what came next.

The next bit was the main part. I had to stay focused on the red light of the laser. Once or twice my eye started drifting but the doctor was a sweetheart and he kept telling me how well everything was going. It's so very hard to stay focused on one little light when your eyes are forced open. It's so damn tiring.

Anyway, getting back on track, the laser reshapes the thickness of the cornea by burning bits of it so I also had to put up with the burning smell. Again, they'd mentioned it before otherwise I'd have had a fit. In a way I enjoyed the burning smell. It seemed to carry with a it a promise that the whole ordeal was almost over.

After the laser bit my eye muscles were so tired of focusing on the red, I didn't really care what they did next. They put the flap back and then flushed my eyes with some liquid. I know I said the suction was bad but in a way this might have been worse. The liquid was so irritating I hardly noticed when they removed the clamp. I shut my eye and before I had time to let out a sigh of relief, they'd covered it and were moving on to my left eye.

The laser bit on my left eye seemed to take much longer because I focused so well, the doctor didn't stop at all. My folks said the left eye was faster but it seemed to take a looong time because the doctor stopped all his encouraging prattle, making me wonder if I would be blind in one eye and if he was just trying to cover up some horrific mistake he'd made!

After the operation he told me I could open my eyes and walk out of the theatre. Yeah right. I opened my eyes and wished I hadn't. The rest of the trip home was a blurry uncomfortable mess. Everything was too bright. Everyone was too loud. All I wanted was to curl up in a hole and sleep. Even after I went to sleep I had to wake up every hour for the eye drops.

And then at 4 in the afternoon after my dad put the drops in, I opened my eyes and all at once I knew it had been worth it after all. No irritation, no discomfort. Just a red mark on each eye that will take some time to fade. Life is so good.

Last Resort - Inside my head...

Voltaire said it best, "To the living we owe respect, but to the dead we owe only the truth".

Ever since I first came across that quote, I've been impatient with people who worry about 'speaking ill of the dead'. I'm not suggesting that one should go around exposing a dead person's secrets. All I'm against is the 'hushing up' that families do to protect themselves, all in the name of the dead.

Suspect wrote a story in memory of a girl who died tragically and unnecessarily. Twice in the past I've been sure that I was going to drown. They say there are three stages to drowning. Fear, Anger and Acceptance. I don't know if that's true but I've felt both the fear and the anger. Death is something I think about a lot and after reading the story I wanted to know what I would be thinking in her place.

This is my version. There's anger and fear but I found I couldn't follow her thoughts right till the actual act. It's entirely fictional. But written exactly as the thoughts unfolded in my mind.

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I wonder if this is it. Is this the whole deal. This is it??? What the hell is life supposed to be for?

I wonder if they’d feel sorry when I’m gone. Will they wish they’d noticed me. Damn them all. Everyone’s so involved in their own stupid lives. They think I’m fine. Why shouldn’t I be fine. I have 2 parents. I’m being educated. I have a home. I have enough food. Of course I must be fine.

I’ll show them. I’ll make them sorry. All of them. I’ll do it when they’re due back in an hour or so. Mom will come back first. She’ll call out. I won’t answer. I’ll be swaying in the breeze. Ha! That’s funny. She’ll get annoyed. I must be lazing around. Ignoring her while she calls. She’ll show me. Ungrateful me. I don’t appreciate all my blessings. What a child I am. Never thankful, never showing them that I understand how much they give me everyday.

She’ll climb up. Cursing on each step. Anger giving her the energy to climb, where she never would otherwise. Where’s that girl. If she’s awake and just pretending she can’t hear me… Ungrateful wretch.

She’ll push my door open. That’s why I’ll have shut it. So that she doesn’t see me from the stairs. She’ll push the door open… and then what? I can’t see further than that. She’ll try and cut me down I suppose. Quietly. By herself. So that incase it’s not too late, no one comes to know. She won’t be able to. I’ll be too heavy. Not like the pretty, delicate girl she would have wanted. My neck will be stretched. Like a chicken. The bones will have snapped. I hope they snap. If they don’t snap, it’ll be s..l..o..w.

I don’t feel so good. I don’t want to think about that. Much better to think about mother finding me. Will she cry? Just one pure cry of grief. Without wondering what people will say. Without hating me for doing it. Will you cry mummy? Will you hold my cold feet and cry all over them as I hang there. Or will you run out of the room. Reluctant to look at my dead body. Reluctant to face a girl who was so so weak. Despising me.

No. Surely you’ll cry. Please cry for me mummy. Please please. Please think of how much you loved me though I was never as good as others. Though I made you ashamed of me. Though I failed. If I don’t do this then I’ll disappoint you again. I can’t bear to see the way you don’t look at me. The way you both avoid me. Pretending, hoping that you could close your eyes and make me disappear. Dad says he can’t face anyone. That they ask how I did. And that he has to look away as he answers. He seems to think I wanted this to happen. That I was playing the fool. I wasn’t mummy. I swear. Will you believe me when I’m dead? If I write it in my last letter to you? I’m just stupid. I’m just not smart enough. I’m just. not. good. enough.
I’m not like both of you. Mummy will you forgive me for not being as smart as you and dad. I tried. I really did.

It’s not fair of you to punish me for not being as good as you hoped. It’s not fair. I bet you’ve often wished I wasn’t your daughter. That you had no daughter. Definitely not one like me.

Well you’re getting your wish aren’t you. Satisfied now?

Dad will reach home. Mom will hear the door opening downstairs. She’ll run out of the room and shriek. Tell him to come up fast. Look what She’s done. She’s… shes…

He’ll come up. Running. Feeling cold. What has She done. Everything ruined. Feeling faint with horror.

He’ll enter the room. And that will show him. He’ll know that it’s all his fault. Her fault too, but she’s too stupid to know that. Or maybe she’s just too weak to admit it.

Or maybe they’ll just blame me. Maybe they’ll be all smug and sanctimonious. We gave her everything… how could she do this to us… Yeah. That will be their line. But even if people say I was mad some of the mud will stick to them too.

Yes. Some of the mud will stick to them too. I’ll do it. Damn them all.


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IFFI 2006

IFFI is almost over. As expected I started enjoying it after it crossed the halfway mark. I'm like that. Nothing tastes good until it's almost over.

I saw Borat, Mirch Masala, The Shadowless Sword, Beerfest and Alexandra's Project so far.

Borat... can't really say anything about it. Go watch it.

Mirch Masala - This I could write pages about. But I'm not going to. I went in for it expecting a light hearted 'popcorn' movie. I'd just got the movie summaries and I didn't have time to read about it. (to all Indians reading this... Doesn't Mirch Masala sound like a lighthearted flick?) It's based on fictional (?) events during British rule and it's NOT lighthearted. I would have walked out if I wasn't so curious to know what happened at the end. Unfortunately though I watched the full thing, I'm still not sure what we're supposed to understand by the last bit. The director was answering queries at the end of the screening and I really wanted to ask him how the story ended. I didn't because everyone else seemed to get it. Don't watch it unless you like movies with a 'message'. But if you do watch it, or if you've seen it before... please tell me what we're supposed to assume happens at the end.

The Shadowless Sword - A Korean movie. Nice for those who like sword fights and kung fu. Luckily I love sword fights and kung fu because there wasn't much else. Yeah, and the lead guy was kinda cute.

Beerfest - Go watch this. It's described as Fight Club with Beer. I normally hate beer but I walked in a little thirsty and by the time it was half way through I would have given almost anything for a chilled beer. I think it was the scene where the guy was drowned in beer, that did it.

Alexandra's Project - Damn. hmmm... Rolf De Heer is the director. They're running a special 'retrospective' on certain directors and he's one of those selected. All his movies are running packed. I had to stand in line for 90 minutes to get in for this one and I think more than 50 people who were standing in line for almost an hour were turned away.
It's a slow movie interspersed with shocking moments that keep your eyes focussed on the screen. The end was very very annoying because practically, there's no way it should end that way. But that's just my opinion . In the world of 'arty' cinema I'm sure it was fantastic. All in all... watch it if you can.
Warning for the prudish: Quite a bit of full frontal nudity.
Warning for the squeamish: Attempt to pierce nipple with pin shown in detail. I'm not sure just how it was done because I was squirming in my seat and my eyes kept shutting involuntarily despite my best efforts.