Bobby S.

It's been a long time I've really cried my eyes out. But I'm close today. My heart is aching with the pain of it all. But I'm rationing the tears before they get too bad. There's no one I can message for support. All my friends are too far away to be of any help. Been a long time since I've been so alone. A stranger in a strange city.

I know everyone is supposed to have one or two things wrong with them... but I'm all wrong. I wish I was a simple uncomplicated soul, merrily skipping thru life with nary a worry. Or at the most worrying about what to wear to work or how to comb my hair.

Instead I'm me. And while I do love myself I wish I was easier for others to understand. Most days I'm happy I'm not part of the crowd, but on days like today I'd give a lot just to blend in. To fit in. For my life to chug along like everyone else's.

Why am I writing this here? Cos I haven't been writing here regularly so I know the chances of someone reading this are slight. So I can put out my feelings without worrying about giving out too much of myself.

Why does my nose run everytime I cry? I wish I could cry daintily...so people would feel bad and come running to make me feel better. As it is I am a mess. That's why I cry in the shadows. In private. When there's no one to wipe away my tears. But still hoping desperately that someone would.

A silent cry for help. So be it. Here God. Here's a prayer. I'm not going to pray for anything specific cos we both know that ain't going to happen. Instead, all I ask is that You show me what You want and help me do it with a minimum of fuss and pain.

Isn't it time you stop playing these games. Get on with it; or let me quit.

False friends and false memories

I don't understand how people can cling to the past so much. I have a few friends who are still carrying the torch for their exes. Though they were cheated on / lied to / taken for granted / abused / misled... they still persist in absolving the other party of any of the blame. They continue to remember the "good times" and continue to enjoy memories of "the good old days when...".

I'm not like that.

When I was in college I had a friend I'll call Racheal. We had some good times together until I found that she was not really as fond of me as she pretended to me. I can no longer look back at the times I shared with her with any joy. Every time I remember the times we laughed together, my memories are tainted by the thought that maybe she was also laughing at me for not seeing through her. Each time I remember the secrets we shared I wonder at myself for not seeing through the facade faster.

I can never look back at a memory and see it untouched by what I know now.

Good, bad or ugly you decide.