Head v. Heart

My heart has never done a very good job of looking out for me. As long back as I can remember it takes great pleasure in getting me in trouble.

My head on the other hand would have me lead a very boring but 'safe' life.

I still don't know which of them is looking out for my best interests and sadly I don't think I'll figure it out in this lifetime. Maybe each of them should have a blog of their own. Maybe then I'd understand what they want from me.

At least my head speaks clearly. Right now it's chanting the same speech continuously. Don't trust peoples words. Trust their actions.

My heart is pitifully begging me to listen and believe one more time.

"Listen to what or who Mr. Heart? Did you hear something I didn't? Did you hear something that made you feel better? I didn't. So if you think you did, you must have been listening to the words of a different song."

Not a fairytale

Once upon a time there was a girl. And she had a friend that she was very fond off. He stepped on her foot deliberately, and when she tried to explain that it hurt, he did not understand because you see no one had ever stepped on his feet (or maybe he just had strong feet). So the little girl, sad and lonely decided it would be better not to have any friends because she had very sensitive feet.

Then one day lo and behold she met a boy who had had his feet stepped on before. And she felt so safe. Finally she could risk her precious feet. He told her he understood how much it hurt when someone steps on your feet and he said he would never step on hers. They became best friends.

Last week he stepped on her feet.

And God Was On Holiday

She lay on the bed, stuffing a blanket in her mouth to stifle the sounds. Not that anyone would hear her anyway. Her next door neighbours were 3 walls away. They wouldn't hear her unless she screamed.

You may wonder why she tried to hide the sounds of her crying. She wondered too. Maybe it was more dramatic that way. Also, that way she didn't shock herself out of her crying jag. She'd been crying off and on all day. Putting on a fine performance for the Lord. Only he didn't seem to be watching.

Earlier in life God had actually responded to her pleas. Maybe now she was too far across the line for Him to be interested. Or maybe He felt she only remembered Him when she was sad. But that wasn't it. And being God He should have known that. She prayed to Him even when she was happy. Maybe cos she was always scared it wouldn't last. After all, it never did.

But still she tried. She'd lost faith in people. If she also lost faith in Him what else was left for her? Poor miserable piece of trash that she was.

But only inside. And only to herself at times ike this. People who saw her never saw the trash. Some saw a snob. Others a slut. Still others saw a child. All of them were right but all of them were wrong.

So she cried. Because almost no one saw her for who she was. And the one person who did, no longer saw her at all. And that,my friends, was the most painful loss of all.

Love, money, friends.... she'd lost them and lived. But this was the first time she did not have a single soul to look at her and see her for who she was. And God was on holiday.

Where have all the smart people gone?

I've just been reading random posts from my blog and here are my conclusions:

I need to blog more often. -> I need more blog-worthy material -> I need to stimulate my mind with interaction with mentally stimulating company ->

And that's where I get stuck.

Everyone in my life has their own little niche. With people from work I talk about the office, with my sister we grumble about family, with my non-office friends (a rapidly dwindling species heading for extinction) I talk about everyday life (ergo,their problems and mine).

This sucks. I need to get to know people who will help me rearrange my brain and who will not fit into any of my life's patterns. But I don't want someone who's too intellectual to have a nonsensical conversation with. See the problem?

Hmm.. the hunt is on... :)

Anger and Money and Nero Wolfe

I'm angry. And the problem is that just one thing is keeping me happy these days... n that's Nero Wolfe books. Which means in addition to being angry I'm also spending an average of 300 bucks per day buying ebooks online. And there are about 42 books in the series!

:(

I need anger management therapy... It'd probably save me money in the long run...