Awake

So I've been watching a few episodes of a TV show called 'Awake'. And it's made me think.

The show's premise is simple - A man meets with an accident with his wife and son.  After the accident his reality seems to split.  In one reality his wife is alive and his son is dead, and in the other reality his son is alive and his wife is dead. Or maybe there's just one reality and the other is a dream.  Or he's in a coma and both realities are a dream.  Hmmm... okay maybe it's not too simple, but anyway... getting back to the point.
As a man, as a husband, as a father, what would he choose if he had to?

As a woman, neither a wife nor a mother, I wonder what I would choose. Lose my husband who I presumably loved enough to marry, or lose my child? (Everyone seems confident that mothers would choose their children over their husbands, but I don't think that's always the case!)

I think I know, but I'm not sure. And I pray God that I never actually find out.

Aww.... I miss that!

“She wished he could make her somehow indelibly his; that they were still children so they could cut their fingers and mingle their blood and know this meant something. She longed for some transformation more lasting than that wrought by the law and his name, some visceral change he might effect in her so that anyone on the street with one glance would know she was his.” 
― Meredith Duran, Wicked Becomes You

Hmm.... I miss feeling that way... oh well... (she muses as she sips her coffee and trudges forward on the road to recovery...)

I must go...

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

God rang the bell for me.

A travesty of justice occurred.  And it occurred where I should have been able to do something about it.  But I couldn't because I was in the wrong place.  And I realized that I can't be the only one fighting battles all the time.  I won't always be in the right place.  I wasn't there this time, and I saw the consequences.  But there must be other times where I am not there and I don't see the consequences.

I sound muddled, maybe I am.  But even if nothing else is clear - this much is:  I cannot fight this fight.  It's a lost cause.  And even if it wasn't - I saw the reception my concerns got.  I saw a glimpse of how I would be treated if I was on the other side.  And it made me shiver.  And that means I have to go.  I have to go to some place safe.  Maybe it'll be no safer.  Maybe it'll be worse.  Who knows.  But God rang the bell and all I know is that I must go.

Being 'Anxious' and trying to keep the faith

I read a book called "Attached" earlier this year.  It spoke of three types of people - Secure, Avoidant and Anxious.

It's sad being Anxious - Sad and painful.  And yet, besides some sad souls who become Anxious because of the way their parents treated them, there are many more who make it to adulthood as Secure people and then turn Anxious.

Why?

I knew that hot and cold behaviour could do the trick but could never express it very well until I read this article.  If you read the article and you're a woman you may recognise yourself in parts of it.  And if you're like me that realisation will hurt you because it's painful to acknowledge being so weak.  But if you're like me eventually you will acknowledge that going through this has changed you - made you better, stronger, and more ready to accept and love someone who makes you feel secure; someone who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.

This may sound like I'm through the tunnel and into secure land - I'm not.  I'm still in the dark.   But I've been through the tunnel once before, so though I'm back in there now, I know what I'm talking about.  So do as I say, not as I do. Walk away, run away.

For those that can't just yet, don't worry you're not alone.  I'm proof that knowing something with your head doesn't make it much easier for the heart to walk away.  That's what comes from having a soft heart.  When I'm really down I get mad at myself for being such a softie each time.

But then each time I try to forgive myself for being so weak.  I tell myself that this willingness I have to risk my heart is okay.  Cos I'd rather be happy-open-loving-me, than bitter-distrusting-me.