Working thru grief when it hits

Where we lived hospice was not an option. My mother battled sepsis and was in and out of the ICU for about 6 months, mostly in a coma. But even when conscious she couldn't communicate cos of the tracheostomy and cos she somehow couldn't use her hands to write or signal. Her mind wasn't okay enough to even sign when we pointed out alphabets. She had the most drawn out death and it hurts to think of her dying like that. She could hardly communicate with us but when my dad went to see her once she held his hand and kissed it. From someone who was always undemonstrative that broke my heart. How she must have loved him. My dad could hardly bear to visit her or talk to her cos it hurt him to even see her or think of her suffering. Even now he can't look at her photo much as he gets choked up. I don't know if she missed him just spending time next to her. He' would just chase after doctors and fight with them instead of just sitting and holding her hand. Mummy I'm so sorry you had to die like that. It hits me suddenly sometimes and I wish you could just tell me you're okay.

We aren't doing a good jub back here. I know. But it's hard. I don't want to be born again. Please God. It's a pain and I'm one of the lucky ones.