Wanted: A friend

Wanted: A friend

Sex/religion no bar.
Location: Pune. Viman Nagar preferred unless he/she is willing to travel to Viman Nagar every day.
Qualifications:
• Interested in unusual things
• Fed up of life
• Likes having a drink now and then
• Likes old rock music
• Will sit with me silently in a pub and have a drink every now and then
• Likes to travel
• Does not mind planning in advance
• Does not mind spur of the moment madness
• Has a lot of faith in a God but is not religious
• Age - 27-31
• Is not girl/guy obsessed
• Is not weight/health obsessed
• Is not anything-obsessed
• Has principles and is willing to stand by them
• Believes in right and wrong (and has the same concepts as me on the important things)
• Has opinions but is not interested in shoving them down anyone’s throat
• Can talk at times and can be silent at other times
• Likes to drive/ride about aimlessly
• Is not nursing a broken heart
• Is not cursed by life
• Is not fascinated by being popular. Someone who can see and laugh at the weird side of life.
• Does not smoke or do drugs
• Someone who is not broke
• Someone who is not chronically ill
• Someone who has no major tragedies currently in his/her life
• Likes learning about new things
• Someone who’s seen pain in life
• Someone who’s loved and lost someone
• Someone who will talk and express himself/herself rather than keep it inside and let it harm our friendship.

The Opthamologist and the Dentist

One day I'll write more about this I promise... but today, I just have to say I once wrote this about an ophthalmologist. Well he has a brother who's a dentist. Who also has the same magic, the same effect on me.

So what the hell is their secret?

Bobby S.

It's been a long time I've really cried my eyes out. But I'm close today. My heart is aching with the pain of it all. But I'm rationing the tears before they get too bad. There's no one I can message for support. All my friends are too far away to be of any help. Been a long time since I've been so alone. A stranger in a strange city.

I know everyone is supposed to have one or two things wrong with them... but I'm all wrong. I wish I was a simple uncomplicated soul, merrily skipping thru life with nary a worry. Or at the most worrying about what to wear to work or how to comb my hair.

Instead I'm me. And while I do love myself I wish I was easier for others to understand. Most days I'm happy I'm not part of the crowd, but on days like today I'd give a lot just to blend in. To fit in. For my life to chug along like everyone else's.

Why am I writing this here? Cos I haven't been writing here regularly so I know the chances of someone reading this are slight. So I can put out my feelings without worrying about giving out too much of myself.

Why does my nose run everytime I cry? I wish I could cry daintily...so people would feel bad and come running to make me feel better. As it is I am a mess. That's why I cry in the shadows. In private. When there's no one to wipe away my tears. But still hoping desperately that someone would.

A silent cry for help. So be it. Here God. Here's a prayer. I'm not going to pray for anything specific cos we both know that ain't going to happen. Instead, all I ask is that You show me what You want and help me do it with a minimum of fuss and pain.

Isn't it time you stop playing these games. Get on with it; or let me quit.

False friends and false memories

I don't understand how people can cling to the past so much. I have a few friends who are still carrying the torch for their exes. Though they were cheated on / lied to / taken for granted / abused / misled... they still persist in absolving the other party of any of the blame. They continue to remember the "good times" and continue to enjoy memories of "the good old days when...".

I'm not like that.

When I was in college I had a friend I'll call Racheal. We had some good times together until I found that she was not really as fond of me as she pretended to me. I can no longer look back at the times I shared with her with any joy. Every time I remember the times we laughed together, my memories are tainted by the thought that maybe she was also laughing at me for not seeing through her. Each time I remember the secrets we shared I wonder at myself for not seeing through the facade faster.

I can never look back at a memory and see it untouched by what I know now.

Good, bad or ugly you decide.

2010 so far...

2010 has been a revelation to me. It started with a bang. I had a blast but I also saw some things I did not want to see. Looking back at the year so far there have been three defining incidents.

First, I met a guy I once loved and was amazed by how indifferent I felt. I poked and prodded at my memories.... trying to remember the feelings I once had. Trying to recapture the glow. All to no avail. I've grown and changed. And so has he. And maybe that's the best answer to all those who say its best to fall in love and settle down at a young age. Yes, it's definitely easier to adjust. Yes, we are definitely not so rigid and fixed. But what if we do settle down... say at the ripe old age of 21 (that's how old I was when I loved that guy). And then say some years pass... and we grow and we discover that we have grown into two very different people....

A friend of mine argues that when you really care for someone you will both grow together.. but then... what of growing individually? If I was with him, would I have ever read Kahil Gibran, would I have learnt that I love upma and hate dosas, would I have learnt that beer only tastes good if you're dying of thirst..

Isn't it better that I learnt who I am and what I stand for before I set out to find my other half?

Who knows...

Hmm... what next...

I guess the next incident was falling sick. For the first time I felt cared for by someone other than family. And it felt good, though it only served to underscore the unmet expectations I've been carrying around.

Also my illness resulted in a looong visit from my dad. And somehow, without realising it, that looong visit taught me something important. It made me realise how much I valued something that had become such a part of my life that I was taking it for granted.

And still... still I remained blind.

The third incident was actually a series of incidents leading upto and beyond Valentine's day.

Someone I thought was my friend lied to me. And in such a way that it now makes me think back and wonder how many times he'd lied before. The tragedy of it was that the lies were all so unnecessary. What was the point? Did he do it for material profit? Maybe. Overall I'm about 20000 bucks poorer for that experience. But it was worth every penny to see the truth.
It doesn't hurt me, or at least I think it does not hurt me. Maybe I'm still in shock. Oh well, I wish I could say I've learnt my lesson and I will never trust someone like that again. I tried. I did try to stay bitter and distrusting. But then someone walked into my life. And taught me to trust him. I did not want to get close to him. But everytime I turned around he was there for me. How could I not learn to depend on him. I tried so hard to maintain a wall. But somehow, I don't know how, he got inside it.

Today I'm scared, but happy. Hurt, but joyful. I lost a fake friend, but thats the kind of loss that should be celebrated. I found someone precious, but thats the kind of joy that often brings pain.

So here I am once again. It's a new year. But the same old me. Once again I'm throwing myself off a cliff hoping I'll learn to fly. So what if I've crashed everytime till date. You only need to learn to fly once.

Back in the morning shift

After 9 months in the evening shift everyone is back to a general 9 to 6 workday. All our families are happy. Are we?

Some of us, definitely are. Some would be happy if it wasn't for the drop in allowances. But many many others are missing the beauty of the night.

A nearly empty office, pin-drop silence, twinkling stars visible from the cafeteria, midnight walks to a nearby roadside stall... even the "slum" nearby looked lovely at night from our vantage point, high above the rest of the world.

It's the end of an era in a way. We now have one more thing to reminisce about.

I've been telling most of my friends that I feel that the end of this year will bring me some clarity on a problem that's been haunting me over the past 2 yrs.

I have this strong feeling that this is just one more necessary step on the road to enlightenment.

If so, I'm scared. I wish I had someone to stand by me at this point, someone to tell me it's all going to be alright.

I want someone to tell me whether I need to batten down the hatches... is there a storm approaching?

I don't want to worry needlessly, but I do so wish I knew whether I should be worrying at all.

Please God, if you're listening, send me a sign.

And if it's not good, give me the strength to handle it.

August 2009 & September 2009

When I'm old and grey and I read through this blog, August 2009 is a month I'd like to remember.

It's the busiest month of my life so far.

I got promoted and I bought a flat. All in one month.

I still can't believe everything happened so fast. Finding a flat i liked, my folks giving me the go-ahead, getting the paperwork in place, getting my home loan approved, getting the registration done, and actually shifting into the flat. All in one month. And all this mind you just after i got new responsibilities at the start of the month that meant that i couldn't take time off and I had to show up and measure up at work!

As for September 2009... not such a good month. Been sick almost continuously. More importantly got to know somethings about certain people that I didn't like learning.

But hopefully by the end of this year I will clear all the junk out of my life and stick with things that are worth it.

Now that everything else is fine I need to clear my emotional life too.

I am seriously considering turning into an emotionally repressed person. The side effects of emotional repression (as seen on tv and in books) seem to be alcoholism and suicide. But thats usually a loooong process. I think I can pull of emotional repression for a year without doing any damage.

It'll be a break from the heightened emotional dramas I've been living through.

Food for thought...

Buying Books

As children, books are usually harmless... Our parents usually choose which books we read. Since it's not really something we are investing much in, it doesn't matter how good or bad the books are.

A child does not have very high standards. Any book that is interesting stays with him through his life (atleast as a good memory), and any book thats not so good, disappears at some point, and he probably won't even notice. Of course some kids who are careless also lose the books they love, but it doesn't really bother them... they keep discovering new books...

But when you're older all this changes. You usually spend more time buying a good book. Only once in a while do you actually end up owning a book you have not chosen with care. Sometimes you buy strange books from the road side since they are cheap and not a big risk. Sometimes those unexpected books turn out to be winners, sometimes not.

But those are not the books I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about the books you buy after extensive research. The book with the lovely cover, the exciting back story, the book with the good reviews.... Maybe you spend a lot on that book. More than you thought you would.

And then after reading the book you discover you've been had. That it isn't worth 1/10th the cost.

What do you do with a book like that?

Do you throw it out? Remember you spent so much time and money on it.

Do you just keep it on your bookshelf? Keeping it on your bookshelf reminds you of how disappointing it was. Of how much you regretted buying that book.

I have a book I regret buying. I spent a lot on it. I thought it would give me a lot of happiness. And the beginning was good. But I'm nearing the end now and it's hard to keep reading... and once I'm done... there's still the problem of what to do with the book...

Things I liked this weekend...

When I have a place of my own I will own...

Updates...

Work would suck if it wasn't for all the interesting people...

Priti and Charlie had a kid. Sweet couple, atleast on the surface. But Charlie has some creepy friends. If a man is known by the company he keeps... it doesn't say anything good about Charlie.

Upen and AJU are not as close as they used to be. Or maybe they are just keeping it low key at work. I guess Upen thinks it will mess up his chances with the new chicks. He's probably just laying her at night. Ugh! They are so weird. I don't know how she stands it. I'd feel sorry for her if I didn't hate her so much... As it is... I'm rooting forUpen to break her bitchy little heart. That bitch thinks she can make up stories about me behind my back and I won't get to hear of it... Bitch!

On the home front things are getting so uncomfortable in my colony I'm looking out for new digs... Seen so many but not yet found the perfect one....

Going to see one tomorrow. In AJU's colony. Yucks. Oh well... she's not important enough to avoid...