Trial and Error

Okay, so I was wrong after all. My last miracle was a joke but one I badly needed at the time.

I need another one now. God, are you listening?

Folks heading home on the 25th. N me with exams till the 31st. Christmas has always sucked. This year it'll hit a new low and probably be joined by the New Year... the one occasion I've always enjoyed. The only thing that used to make up for the crap that went before.

This year I'll probably be home alone for the New Year. Growing up sucks. There was a time, not too many years ago, that I'd have been happy enough partying with a bunch of friends. This year, just friends aren't enough. I want my love around. Or at least my best friends, my connections. I want to bring in the New Year with someone I love. So I'll lie to my friends, and tell them I have plans. Pretend someone has come by from Goa or Mumbai. Anything to avoid partying with them.

And so I'll be bringing in 2012 alone. Life in Pune just turned rotten. Realising there's no one to spend New Years with will do that to you.

Maybe I'll fulfil another of my life's ambitions and get drunk. Drinking alone at home.... yay.... my first steps on the road to alcoholism and a nervous breakdown.

Head v. Heart

My heart has never done a very good job of looking out for me. As long back as I can remember it takes great pleasure in getting me in trouble.

My head on the other hand would have me lead a very boring but 'safe' life.

I still don't know which of them is looking out for my best interests and sadly I don't think I'll figure it out in this lifetime. Maybe each of them should have a blog of their own. Maybe then I'd understand what they want from me.

At least my head speaks clearly. Right now it's chanting the same speech continuously. Don't trust peoples words. Trust their actions.

My heart is pitifully begging me to listen and believe one more time.

"Listen to what or who Mr. Heart? Did you hear something I didn't? Did you hear something that made you feel better? I didn't. So if you think you did, you must have been listening to the words of a different song."

Not a fairytale

Once upon a time there was a girl. And she had a friend that she was very fond off. He stepped on her foot deliberately, and when she tried to explain that it hurt, he did not understand because you see no one had ever stepped on his feet (or maybe he just had strong feet). So the little girl, sad and lonely decided it would be better not to have any friends because she had very sensitive feet.

Then one day lo and behold she met a boy who had had his feet stepped on before. And she felt so safe. Finally she could risk her precious feet. He told her he understood how much it hurt when someone steps on your feet and he said he would never step on hers. They became best friends.

Last week he stepped on her feet.

And God Was On Holiday

She lay on the bed, stuffing a blanket in her mouth to stifle the sounds. Not that anyone would hear her anyway. Her next door neighbours were 3 walls away. They wouldn't hear her unless she screamed.

You may wonder why she tried to hide the sounds of her crying. She wondered too. Maybe it was more dramatic that way. Also, that way she didn't shock herself out of her crying jag. She'd been crying off and on all day. Putting on a fine performance for the Lord. Only he didn't seem to be watching.

Earlier in life God had actually responded to her pleas. Maybe now she was too far across the line for Him to be interested. Or maybe He felt she only remembered Him when she was sad. But that wasn't it. And being God He should have known that. She prayed to Him even when she was happy. Maybe cos she was always scared it wouldn't last. After all, it never did.

But still she tried. She'd lost faith in people. If she also lost faith in Him what else was left for her? Poor miserable piece of trash that she was.

But only inside. And only to herself at times ike this. People who saw her never saw the trash. Some saw a snob. Others a slut. Still others saw a child. All of them were right but all of them were wrong.

So she cried. Because almost no one saw her for who she was. And the one person who did, no longer saw her at all. And that,my friends, was the most painful loss of all.

Love, money, friends.... she'd lost them and lived. But this was the first time she did not have a single soul to look at her and see her for who she was. And God was on holiday.

Where have all the smart people gone?

I've just been reading random posts from my blog and here are my conclusions:

I need to blog more often. -> I need more blog-worthy material -> I need to stimulate my mind with interaction with mentally stimulating company ->

And that's where I get stuck.

Everyone in my life has their own little niche. With people from work I talk about the office, with my sister we grumble about family, with my non-office friends (a rapidly dwindling species heading for extinction) I talk about everyday life (ergo,their problems and mine).

This sucks. I need to get to know people who will help me rearrange my brain and who will not fit into any of my life's patterns. But I don't want someone who's too intellectual to have a nonsensical conversation with. See the problem?

Hmm.. the hunt is on... :)

Anger and Money and Nero Wolfe

I'm angry. And the problem is that just one thing is keeping me happy these days... n that's Nero Wolfe books. Which means in addition to being angry I'm also spending an average of 300 bucks per day buying ebooks online. And there are about 42 books in the series!

:(

I need anger management therapy... It'd probably save me money in the long run...

Wanted: A friend

Wanted: A friend

Sex/religion no bar.
Location: Pune. Viman Nagar preferred unless he/she is willing to travel to Viman Nagar every day.
Qualifications:
• Interested in unusual things
• Fed up of life
• Likes having a drink now and then
• Likes old rock music
• Will sit with me silently in a pub and have a drink every now and then
• Likes to travel
• Does not mind planning in advance
• Does not mind spur of the moment madness
• Has a lot of faith in a God but is not religious
• Age - 27-31
• Is not girl/guy obsessed
• Is not weight/health obsessed
• Is not anything-obsessed
• Has principles and is willing to stand by them
• Believes in right and wrong (and has the same concepts as me on the important things)
• Has opinions but is not interested in shoving them down anyone’s throat
• Can talk at times and can be silent at other times
• Likes to drive/ride about aimlessly
• Is not nursing a broken heart
• Is not cursed by life
• Is not fascinated by being popular. Someone who can see and laugh at the weird side of life.
• Does not smoke or do drugs
• Someone who is not broke
• Someone who is not chronically ill
• Someone who has no major tragedies currently in his/her life
• Likes learning about new things
• Someone who’s seen pain in life
• Someone who’s loved and lost someone
• Someone who will talk and express himself/herself rather than keep it inside and let it harm our friendship.

The Opthamologist and the Dentist

One day I'll write more about this I promise... but today, I just have to say I once wrote this about an ophthalmologist. Well he has a brother who's a dentist. Who also has the same magic, the same effect on me.

So what the hell is their secret?

Bobby S.

It's been a long time I've really cried my eyes out. But I'm close today. My heart is aching with the pain of it all. But I'm rationing the tears before they get too bad. There's no one I can message for support. All my friends are too far away to be of any help. Been a long time since I've been so alone. A stranger in a strange city.

I know everyone is supposed to have one or two things wrong with them... but I'm all wrong. I wish I was a simple uncomplicated soul, merrily skipping thru life with nary a worry. Or at the most worrying about what to wear to work or how to comb my hair.

Instead I'm me. And while I do love myself I wish I was easier for others to understand. Most days I'm happy I'm not part of the crowd, but on days like today I'd give a lot just to blend in. To fit in. For my life to chug along like everyone else's.

Why am I writing this here? Cos I haven't been writing here regularly so I know the chances of someone reading this are slight. So I can put out my feelings without worrying about giving out too much of myself.

Why does my nose run everytime I cry? I wish I could cry daintily...so people would feel bad and come running to make me feel better. As it is I am a mess. That's why I cry in the shadows. In private. When there's no one to wipe away my tears. But still hoping desperately that someone would.

A silent cry for help. So be it. Here God. Here's a prayer. I'm not going to pray for anything specific cos we both know that ain't going to happen. Instead, all I ask is that You show me what You want and help me do it with a minimum of fuss and pain.

Isn't it time you stop playing these games. Get on with it; or let me quit.

False friends and false memories

I don't understand how people can cling to the past so much. I have a few friends who are still carrying the torch for their exes. Though they were cheated on / lied to / taken for granted / abused / misled... they still persist in absolving the other party of any of the blame. They continue to remember the "good times" and continue to enjoy memories of "the good old days when...".

I'm not like that.

When I was in college I had a friend I'll call Racheal. We had some good times together until I found that she was not really as fond of me as she pretended to me. I can no longer look back at the times I shared with her with any joy. Every time I remember the times we laughed together, my memories are tainted by the thought that maybe she was also laughing at me for not seeing through her. Each time I remember the secrets we shared I wonder at myself for not seeing through the facade faster.

I can never look back at a memory and see it untouched by what I know now.

Good, bad or ugly you decide.