Some nights

Some nights I play chess in my head
N knock pieces off, winning elegantly without strife
Other nights I fight a war in my head,
Bloodthirsty n vicious, where both victor n vanquished are covered with blood, wondering which is which...

Capacity

Some people can't do relationships... 

The first time I read through the Tom Thorne series I was focused on the crimes of course. I admired so many things about his detective skills. As far as relationships went I guess I just assumed he was a typical guy... whatever that is. But reading through the series again, all together, it's apparent that if this is a typical guy, women the world over would be having shitty lives and shitty relationships. 

Not every woman is going to lead the way with a freakin' lamp. Some men, many men I hope, will be brave enough to deal with issues as they rise, will be brave enough to have the tough conversations. Or even better, they'll actually have the capacity to have complete relationships in which case there'll be less unpleasant conversations..

And how do I figure out what's a guy's capacity? How do I run away from the Tom Thorne's of this world?

Discernment

Did this today. Got a list of things I can do better. Hmm...

I'm sorry

Two types of people are trouble -
People who never apologize, never admit they did anything wrong, and
People who overuse the word sorry, but don't change their behaviour..

End of a saga

In 2013 I met someone with whom I had some of the best and worst experiences of my life. He came in at a point when I really needed a friend. Helped me immensely, and then in less then a year we were no longer friends.

Every time I meet people I wonder, are they in my life for a reason, season, or lifetime... With him I always thought it was a lifetime. I've never had a friendship like that before, and I don't expect or even want to have one like that again.

When things ended so badly, at one point I wondered if it was worth it.

Guess it was for a reason. To change me and my life. Or rather to make the transition easier / more inevitable...

Anyway, the reason this is on my mind is that this friend is changing his life yet again... And in the process changing several other lives too I imagine...

I wish him well, the person I knew deserves good.

A part of me is mourning the end of a saga. One that challenged me, shook me, and that sometimes took my breath away... The rest of me is just so glad I don't have to deal with any of his angst ever again... :D

Head Spin

The world is spinning faster,
and time is running hard,
trying to catch up on itself,
it's so hard to keep up my guard

I keep hitting pause,
but the batteries are lost,
can't stop playing the game,
don't yet know the cost

Reaching tougher levels,
Do I really want to play,
Do I even have a choice,
Is there any other way

Being Myself

One of the things that I love about me but that also scares me to death... If I'm angry with someone and they really ask me why - I tell them the truth.

It's great cos it's part of my 'be authentic' drive... scary, because it drives people away.

It's sad when being yourself drives people away...

Downtown Abbey

Haven't caught up with Downtown Abbey but just had to put this down... I love Mary even when she's being an ass...

I'm not really sure why that is... I tried to like the mom more, or Sybil,... nope... that complicated idiot is the one that has me rooting for her... So typical!

Of course as the show progresses I might have to come back here and apologize for this post... but until then...

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I also love Anna and Bates, but that's so much more acceptable, I can picture the yawns now...

How love dies

Love never dies an easy death.... It has to be murdered by two people. Brutally starved, tortured and even buried alive.  Anais Nin said it more poetically, "Love never dies a natural death. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings."

Cancer free?