Had a conversation (WA chat) with a friend who is one of my deep conversation friends. They are few and far between... Philosophers whose paths crossed with mine and whose minds have stayed with me. With none of these was I officially or openly best friends or even everyday hangout friends. Our deepest sharings came from behind a phone. Whether through phone convos, emails or WA later.
So anyway she asked me about plans for my upcoming birthday. And i gave her the speil about wanting to rest and relax and avoid people etc.
And she asked me.. but apart from rest, why do you really want to be alone.
I hadn't really asked myself that. And that is why these friends are priceless. I realised i wanted to be alone so i could get to know myself again.
We had a long chat about it and later taking to my sister I realised the last time i felt i truly knew myself was in 2006 when I had completed my education but hadn't yet managed to find a job. My mother wasn't very sick and for that one year i lived a very cocooned life. Just me and my thoughts. And for the first time i got to know myself. And i told my sister i missed that. The ability to know myself. I said I wanted to get to know myself again although I doubt I'll have a year to myself anytime soon. Maybe never.
And she said but you already got to know yourself. And then in explaining to her how much I've changed i actually thought about some of the big changes in my views and thoughts.
Not only in the major factors that affected my life. Like health or money or caregiving, etc. But even in things like Divorce. I've never been married. Never been close to getting married. Yet my views on divorce have done a 180.
I remember in around 2008 or 2009 maybe, a slow day at work, talking to L a friend of mine and both of us pontificating on relationships, how we did not believe in divorce, and that marriage was for life. Back then I wonder what I thought victims of abuse should do. I know I never thought a person should stay and take it. But from what I remember of the rigidity and know-it-all nature of my views back then, i probably thought separation without divorce was the solution.
Now? I think divorce is a blessing.
Because i still believe in marriage.
And marriage without the option of divorce is a life sentence, not a choice.
It's only when you know that you can walk away, and that the other person can walk away too, that every day you are together becomes a choice. And without choices there is no freedom. And without freedom, what's the point of life.
