Nokia N82

I bought the Nokia N82 yesterday evening.

I really wanted a camera phone. Went online and narrowed down my choices to the N82 and the LG Viewty.

Both have great cameras. The xenon flash of the Nokia is supposed to be marginally better than the Viewty's but the Viewty looks so much better. The N82 is virtually indistinguishable from its older, cheaper cousins.

The Nokia finally won cos of the gps.. which is really good, and even more cos it can be upgraded to 8 gb of memory while the best the Viewty can do is 2 gb.

And now that i've used it for 10 hours or so, since i've realised I can now blog from my mobile, since i've realised orkut is now accessible anytime anywhere...
I'm in love.

Friendship. . . of a kind

Last week was the toughest week of my life, emotionally at least.

I realised friendship has different meaning to different people.
I learned that someone that I considered one of my best friends doesn't really care that much about me.
I realised that most people will only be friends with you when you're happy and gay and cheer them up.
I realised that your truest friends are those who will be there for you no matter how low and whiny you feel. No matter how much you cry and complain all day.
I learned that the only way I can protect myself from being hurt by friends is by drawing away so that I don't care for them more than they care for me.

The secret to any relationship for me would be balance.

I'm not one of those people who can carry all the weight of a one sided relationship, whether it is love, friendship or anything else.

And at the end of all this... nothing has changed on the surface. Anyone looking in at my life would say everything is the same.

But it isn't. I'll never be as naively happy as I was before.

She sat at the window, her stomach churning. She could feel the storm building up. The air was full of it. She wondered where she would be when it hit town.

She heard the phone ring and her stomach clenched suddenly. There was another storm coming. But this one was in her life and whether she stayed or went away from town depended on how she handled it.

She tried meditating. Focusing on something other than the problem at hand made her body relax a bit though she could still feel the adrenalin coursing through her body.

Her body felt warm but her hands were freezing. Shock? Some chemicals overly sensitive people produced?

She didn't care. Her stomach was still flip flopping.

Something was coming. She wasn't quite sure what.

Appraisals!

Appraisal time is here. And this is going to be my first ever 'proper' appraisal.

Or rather the time has come for everyone to find out the results of their appraisals. The actual appraisals were done in March. At that time I didn't have time to TALK to anyone, much less sit and update this blog. But it's all going to pay off now. Yippee!

I'm so excited. And just a bit worried. I've been building castles in the air the past few weeks and after endless discussions with others like me it seems that I have grossly over estimated the salary hike I'll be getting.

Not so good.

But who says they're right. I'll just cross my fingers and wait.

Almost everything else in my life is going to hell. This one thing has to be good. It... just... has... to... be... good...


-----------------------------------------------------------

It wasn't. (April 21st)

Quotes I love _ Faith

These are two of my favourite quotes about 'Faith'

"Unthinking faith is a curious offering to be made to the creator of the human mind." ~ John A. Hutchinson

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't." ~ Blaise Pascal

Childhood

People overrate childhood.

We passed a school today. Little kids in white PT uniforms were running inside probably scared they were going to be late. Everyone else in my cab had this fond, 'drooly' expression on their face. Fond memories they said.

What fond memories? Running to school worried that I was late? Worried that I wouldn't get there in time to melt into the background? Hurrying to be there in time for assembly. Half an hour of prayers, preachings, announcements, warnings. Singing the national anthem 5 days a week and the school anthem the sixth.

My day divided into 8 periods. Scurrying to complete the previous days homework. Realising with dismay that I'd left a book at home. Another remark on my calender. Third time unlucky, another walk to the principal's office where I would stand silently raging and promising myself that some day I wouldn't be that helpless. That someday I'd have more control over my life.

Forgetting to wear my white uniform on Thursdays. Having to stand in line for all the world to see. Feeling like an idiot for not remembering.

No control. At the mercy of people and their moods.
Adults and their moods.
Never sure exactly what was right and wrong.
And if it was wrong, WHY it was wrong.

I had a pretty good childhood. Good parents, a good life. I was pretty bright so I never failed in school. (Not that I was happy. Unfortunately I was in the top three in kindergarten and I even won a shield when I as in the first standard. That pretty much set the standard for the rest of my life. Once I was in the second standard, I never came in the top three again. So there I was at the age of 7, doomed to feel like a failure right through school.)

Yeah, I had a nice childhood but the difference between me and most people is that I remember it for what it was. I don't have a highly coloured version of my it running through my head.

I'm glad I'm not a child anymore.

Of lesbians and the Ellen DeGeneres show...

Back in Bangalore after almost a year. Loads has changed. Made me sad. I don't like things changing behind my back. Love it when it happens right in front of me.

Atleast I think I do.

Oh well.

This isn't a proper post, just a comment I had to pass on the Ellen DeGeneres show. [If that's spelt wrong.... guess what, I don't care]

I've watched a total on maybe 20 minutes of the show so everything that follows is NOT a 'qualified' opinion.

The first day I watched about 15 minutes. Ellen struck me as a nervous self conscious wreck. She didn't speak confidently and in fact looked like she was up infront of an audience for the first time ever, with her eyes darting this way and that.
Then she started dancing! Or what passes for dancing. She ran up and down the stairs danced with a couple of women and then spread her legs and walked over a table... um.. I mean the table passed between her legs... or whatever.
Thats when I switched the TV off. I mean that table is so broad from one angle it looked like quite a feat except for the fact that she walked ?across? it from the other side.

The next day I switched on the TV again and was treated to the exact same scene. And it was not a repeat of the previous episode. I watched enough to make sure of that!
But trust me the dancing bit was exactly the same. The same running up the steps. the same dancing with an attractive woman (a different one this time). the same shimmying across that exact same table! C'mon!

I'm a little embarrassed to say I turned the TV off thinking only lesbians would enjoy her show. Very politically incorrect of me I know. And here I thought I didn't have any weird ideas about homosexuals in my head.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Speaking of lesbians... I think I met one the other day. I'm in Bangalore answering some exams and the very first day i got here I ran into a very friendly, very cute girl. For some reason I found myself wishing we were friends. Well I'm not so sure any more. I was watching TV in the TV room the other day and she came in and almost SNUGGLED up to me. I haven't told anyone this cos I'm sure they'll all say she was just being friendly but trust me I got this strange vibe from her.

One good thing that came of it is that I'm sure I'm not gay. Cos she is very cute and if I had any inclination that way I think I'd have felt something for her.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm back in Pune on Monday and somehow I'm not looking forward to it any more. Anyone who's been on the phone with me recently will find that strange cos all I've been doing the past 10 days is mourn about how much I'm missing Pune.
I think I know why the change has occured. Can't really go into it here but in brief there was a guy who intrigued me and I was looking forward to getting to know him, BUT... a couple of friends have since told me some stuff that's made me very ashamed of ever ebing interested in him. Why don't all shallow guys have some kind of sign printed to their heads? Why on earth do they have to act all deep and interesting and mysterious? Why am I always interested in all the wrong guys?

It would be so great if I grew up and started falling for nice safe guys.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[And T yes, I know I haven't corrected all the mistakes above. That's your job. Give me a list of the mistakes and I'll correct them... if I feel like it :) ]

A story in time...

This is one of three short stories I wrote back when the electricity used to go out regularly at work. Now that we've shifted to a new office there's no chance of that happening.

Maybe that's a good thing. If they were pieces of paper, each would be more crumpled than the previous one. I could try and smooth them out but that wouldn't be any fun.

Disclaimer: I know two girls called 'Rowena'. This story has nothing to do with either of them. In fact after writing it I wanted to change the name, but somehow nothing else fits.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Rowena walked slowly home. There was no reason to hurry. Everything had been planned; everything anticipated. She stopped at the store at the corner from her flat and bought some crabs. Crabs were easy to make. Just boil them and they’re done. She knew John loved crabs. He’d complain about how long it took to eat them but… today he’d have a lot of time. The whole process of cracking the shell and removing the crab meat would probably soothe him.

Her thoughts continued to wander as she climbed up the stairs of her building. For once she didn’t think longingly of the other flat they’d considered buying on the outskirts of town. That had been on the 1st floor but John had pointed out that their 5th floor flat was quite a bit cheaper and closer to his workplace too. That would help them save quite a bit on fuel each month. And as for the stairs, he’d assured her that they’d adjust in less than a month.

It was almost a year now, and while he’d indeed adjusted in less than a month, Rowena still wasn’t sure if she’d ever adjust. Sure there were days when she’d run up and down but they were few and far between. Most days she dreaded the long slow climb.

As she reached her flat she shook her head in annoyance. She’d been determined to let nothing spoil her walk home. The last thing she needed to think about was all of John’s assurances and promises in their first few months of marriage. It wasn’t his fault. He was just a man. So full of good intentions that it left no room for understanding.

She washed the crabs and put them to boil with some seasoning. Soon they’d be done. All done.

She had a long slow bath. She’d been very fond of long hot water baths before marriage, but somehow she’d lost the habit in the months since. That wasn’t John’s fault. Was it? No. Not really. True he kept explaining that they would have to tighten their budget. True she often felt like a failure. But she couldn’t hold him responsible for the ways she’d punished herself, could she?

She shook her head again. Here she went again. Thinking about John. He was starting to take over her mind. Maybe love did that to you. For she did love him. So very much.

She dried herself and wore her best dress. With her very best underwear. Today of all days it wouldn’t do to wear something old and worn.

She laid the table, placing the dishes and cutlery with care. Everything had to be perfect. John would come in late as usual. Tired out from a busy day at work. He was so considerate. He wouldn’t even come into the bedroom because he knew she was a light sleeper. He’d eat his dinner, have a bath and read for a bit until finally he’d switch off all the lights and creep slowly into the bedroom where he’d crawl into bed silently so that she wouldn’t be disturbed. Well today she definitely wouldn’t be disturbed. She smiled at the thought.

The crabs were ready. She kept them in kitchen so they’d stay hot. Then she looked about the flat. Her home. She’d cleaned up earlier but she still went about re-checking everything. Everything had to be perfect.

Finally it was time for bed. She placed the bucket she’s bought by the left side of the bed and switched off the lights. Then she crawled in between the sheets as carefully as she could. She didn’t want to mess them up. There was still a little light coming in from the building next door. She didn’t mind. She knew that by the time John came home everything in the room would be pitch dark.

Then finally when everything was in place she looked around once more. She tried to think of anything she might have left undone. Nothing came to mind. So finally, happily, she placed her left arm over the bucket and carefully slit her wrist. It stung a bit, but the pain was much less than the pain she’d imagined. She threw the blade into the little dustbin that stood on her bed-side table and lay back. John wouldn’t be home for another four hours. By then everything would be over. Perfect.

Hmmm...

There are two great days in a person's life - the day we are born and the day we discover why.

--- William Barclay ---

The Feb that was...

It's been almost a month and there's so much to tell and yet so much that has to remain untold. The trip to Bombay that I referred to in my last post went off really well. Loads of good memories; most of them work related. I met some really nice people and it was quite a wrench to say good bye at the end of the week.

I loved Bombay. Not for the reasons most people advance, but because if you could hit a pause button you'd find that it's a really beautiful place. Maybe it's just 'old' bombay that has this atmosphere. I don't know. But everywhere I went I felt like I was living with history. I saw the building my grandfather lived in when he was younger than I am now. It's amazing to walk the same paths people have walked over for centuries. I know that most cities have their own history but somehow in Bombay, with its decrepit buildings standing side by side with historic landmarks, you feel it more than you would in other places.

Coming back to Pune brought about loads of changes. Some of us were put in charge of some new joinees. My landlord got a better deal and gave my roommate and me just 2 days to find another place. We did a lot of walking around but didn't find anything even half way acceptable. Then like a miracle we found a place that seemed ok and we grabbed it. It's a pretty good deal but it's a bit in the interior which is causing other problems.

Also since I'm supposed to supervise the newcomers I don't feel like using the net at work for anything other than work. Trying to set a good example I guess. And since I'm usually not in the mood to connect to the net at home my email goes unread for days together. Lucky for me I have a friend who convinced me to take GPRS and then gave me software to access MSN and yahoo messenger on my phone. Now I'm connected almost all day though half the time the phone is on silent and I don't know when someone's IM'img me.

I've been feeling like writing these days. Short stories mainly. Maybe I'll put them up. Maybe I'll just ramble on like this. Guess it doesn't really matter as long as I'm a bit more regular here... :(

For all you people who used to read this blog regularly: Thanks. I'm still alive and so is this blog. Very busy and very cranky, but alive and well.