Aww.... I miss that!

“She wished he could make her somehow indelibly his; that they were still children so they could cut their fingers and mingle their blood and know this meant something. She longed for some transformation more lasting than that wrought by the law and his name, some visceral change he might effect in her so that anyone on the street with one glance would know she was his.” 
― Meredith Duran, Wicked Becomes You

Hmm.... I miss feeling that way... oh well... (she muses as she sips her coffee and trudges forward on the road to recovery...)

I must go...

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

God rang the bell for me.

A travesty of justice occurred.  And it occurred where I should have been able to do something about it.  But I couldn't because I was in the wrong place.  And I realized that I can't be the only one fighting battles all the time.  I won't always be in the right place.  I wasn't there this time, and I saw the consequences.  But there must be other times where I am not there and I don't see the consequences.

I sound muddled, maybe I am.  But even if nothing else is clear - this much is:  I cannot fight this fight.  It's a lost cause.  And even if it wasn't - I saw the reception my concerns got.  I saw a glimpse of how I would be treated if I was on the other side.  And it made me shiver.  And that means I have to go.  I have to go to some place safe.  Maybe it'll be no safer.  Maybe it'll be worse.  Who knows.  But God rang the bell and all I know is that I must go.

Being 'Anxious' and trying to keep the faith

I read a book called "Attached" earlier this year.  It spoke of three types of people - Secure, Avoidant and Anxious.

It's sad being Anxious - Sad and painful.  And yet, besides some sad souls who become Anxious because of the way their parents treated them, there are many more who make it to adulthood as Secure people and then turn Anxious.

Why?

I knew that hot and cold behaviour could do the trick but could never express it very well until I read this article.  If you read the article and you're a woman you may recognise yourself in parts of it.  And if you're like me that realisation will hurt you because it's painful to acknowledge being so weak.  But if you're like me eventually you will acknowledge that going through this has changed you - made you better, stronger, and more ready to accept and love someone who makes you feel secure; someone who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.

This may sound like I'm through the tunnel and into secure land - I'm not.  I'm still in the dark.   But I've been through the tunnel once before, so though I'm back in there now, I know what I'm talking about.  So do as I say, not as I do. Walk away, run away.

For those that can't just yet, don't worry you're not alone.  I'm proof that knowing something with your head doesn't make it much easier for the heart to walk away.  That's what comes from having a soft heart.  When I'm really down I get mad at myself for being such a softie each time.

But then each time I try to forgive myself for being so weak.  I tell myself that this willingness I have to risk my heart is okay.  Cos I'd rather be happy-open-loving-me, than bitter-distrusting-me. 

Counselling queries

Rhetorical question - How do you decide whose needs should be prioritized?

Case study:  Consider two people - A & B.  When A is upset, B is loving and patient.  When B is upset, A is caring and devoted.  Sounds good, right? Well the problem is that recently both A and B were upset.  About different things. And B wasn't there for A.  A was cranky and wanted support and B just disappeared.  B was probably just doing the best he/she could.  Backing off rather than getting into a fight. But is that the only option?  As a third party observer I honestly couldn't tell you who had more right to be upset. I've been in similar situations and I don't have a solution to give them.  I just know that this way no one is happy.  And that they need to figure out a way to deal with this.  And then they need to tell me how to deal with similar situations too...

Walking away?

When is it time to walk away?

It's hard for someone like me to know when it's time.  I'm too focused on the good and that's dangerous.  Yes, the man with the smelly clothes may not mean to harm me, but if he's drunk and behind the wheel, his good intentions are not going to make a difference.  When his car hits me, his plea of "I never meant to hurt you" is not going to cushion my fall.

I should be able to recognize danger to myself - and I need to understand, with every cell of my being, that good intentions are not enough.  Specially good intentions in selfish people.  In fact why go so far as good intentions - I'm the kind of person that's settling for lack of bad intentions.  - "Why yes ma'am, I may get hurt, but you see he doesn't mean for me to get hurt.. I'm collateral damage.. He thinks life should be lived one day at a time, and so what if that means that I get hurt at the end - that's my choice isn't it - why should he take the blame for any of that..."

Part of the problem is my obsession with signs - If you pray to God and say "Thy will be done" for a year - and then you get a new job - won't you assume that you should take it?  And when things get rough, won't you say to yourself - "God wouldn't have brought this job to me if it wasn't meant to be..."  So God, the ball is in your court.  I don't want the little teensy signs - you brought this into my life - man up and take responsibility for it.  I'm willing to do whatever you want me to - but BE CLEAR!!!

Easter and Watershed Moments

So Easter is come and gone... and the much needed clarity did not come with it.  Others seem to have had watersheds in their lives.. One friend almost re-started and then almost re-ended (yes I know that's not a word) a relationship.  Another one who had been on the brink for the past months, suddenly had a small disagreement blow into a big chasm between her and the guy in question.  Lucky them maybe - Easter signs from God.

Maybe God is pissed I didn't listen last time - but seriously that's so unfair.  It's not like I didnt believe.  Yes, I stayed on - but that's only cos I'm someone who will hang on till the grim end. It's just my nature.  It's got nothing to do with me not believing the sign.  I knew it was headed for a dead end - I just wanted to be there right until the dead end. (And I was - but more about that some other time..)

So anyway, coming back to the present - what do you do when you're coasting along and life seems good, but you know there's quicksand under the road?  You pray - for guidance, for help, for a #$@^&% clue.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough - I don't know the reason, but there was no clue.

--------------------

I'd gotten that far when I decided to google 'watershed' before I hit 'publish'. The first link I clicked on was Wikipedia - and for once was useless.  It didn't have the word defined in the sense that I used it.  Disappointed I clicked on the second link and somehow it turned out to be the Amazon page for a book called Watershed Moments by someone called Gari Meachem.  I read the review and bought the book - it seemed serendipitous (maybe God didn't like me grumbling!).

The link is here.  And trust me, it was hard work to find the link a second time.  I only found it cos I bought the book and had the author's name.  (Which makes it even more amazing that I stumbled across it the first time just searching for 'watershed'!)

Anyway, I've started reading the book, because honestly - after whining on about a sign for days now - I need to pay attention to this great big one that was thrust before me..

Changes galore

Company culture - what is it?

I've been working for the same company for 7 years now... and for me until recently it's been like a second home.  We've had a huge influx of new people over the past two years - and they are mostly people with strong personalities.  All these years it didn't matter.  The management team was a strong interlinked team.  They gave the same messages, and believed in the same 'culture' for want of a better word.   But recently two managers (who joined at around the same time as me and who moved through the organization with me) left, and we've now for the first time in a long while, got a management team where the 'newbies' are more than the 'oldies' (again, for want of better words).

And this is not to say I don't like the newbies.  I like most of them. Some of them, a lot!  But it's tiring.  It's tiring to have to keep setting people straight.  And since they are in relatively senior positions it's difficult.  It's not the same as telling a fresher how to behave.  A fresher will do what you say because he has not already been exposed to some other culture.  But a manager will usually say 'well in my last office...'

Guess time will tell how we weather this change and move into the future.  I've always been an advocate of change and 'freshness'. Let's see how I deal with this!

Do you really think you can hurt me?

Do you really think you can hurt me?

I've been destroyed by experts,

torn asunder by indifference,

careless friends have broken me,

do you even know the difference.

You think I'm fragile,

that you can crush me with pain,

what you don't know,

is that I will always rise again.

Like the grain in the field,

I'll bow before the pain,

my heart will be ripped to shreds,

but then I'll rise again.

I was taken apart by an expert,

reduced to my component parts,

it took me years and a lot of hard work,

but what you see is a work of art.

I'm a sum of all those pieces,

glued together by so much pain,

one day I'll heal completely

and stop crying in the rain

until that day, don't worry,

do your worst and see

I'll bend, but not break darlin'

you can't really destroy me.

Surface People

Surface people, 

Surface smiles,

I've met quite a few,

as I trudge across life's miles

While I've liked some,

They've been few and far between,

Most of the time I can't stand them,

They never make it through my screen

They seem to have it easy,

Away from Saturn's glare,

It's easy to not have worries,

If you just don't care

Sometimes I wish I could be like them,

And not give a damn,

Make decisions with my head,

Whenever I'm in a jam

But at the end that's not who I am,

I've found my heart needs equal space,

It wants to be co-ruler of my life, 

Head and heart co-existing in grace

Unfortunately what this means,

Is more pain than I'd wish to feel,

That's the price I pay for being me,

I just have to learn to deal.

Thanksgiving

I'm not someone who's really into the meaning behind festivals - Don't get me wrong, I love festivals that give me time off work or that involve gift giving.  But the actual meaning behind a festival has never moved me.

Almost all festivals are tributes to Gods or to historical customs.For instance, Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ, Ganesh Chaturthi, the birthday of Lord Ganesha, Onam and other harvest festivals are historically tied to the harvest seasons - originally a way of pleasing the Nature Gods, and I could go on and on..

Thanksgiving also is actually a harvest festival.  A way of thanking the Gods.  But what I've grown to love about it is the very literal way that it is celebrated.  As a day for giving thanks for all the good things and people in your life.

So for the past two years, every Thanksgiving I try to thank the people in my life that I am grateful for.  I don't always do it very gracefully and sometimes I even mess it up (that's fodder for another post) but I do try.

And so this post is for someone who is arguably my closest friend, I'll call her C here.  (She knows who she is.)

We've been friends for 22 years now.  We've shared our lives, our hopes as they bloomed, and helped each other rake out the ashes of those hopes that got cremated.  Those that lived to grow into actual events we celebrated together, often across miles.  She's the first person I call when something unexpected happens, and usually the last person I talk to each night.  She knows and accepts most of the unsavory parts of my personality.  (Probably because she's also the most saintly person I know - someone who has an immense capacity to forgive and accept people's flaws.)  She's been through crap so many times and come out smelling of roses each and every time... so to the best friend a girl could could have - C, thanks for being you and for being such a big part of my life. I know things will morph and change but I know we'll always be able to count on each other.