EVANESCENCE - "My Immortal"

I don't normally listen to lyrics. Usually when I like a song it's because it just sounds good.

However after some time I usually decide I should check what exactly the song is all about.

Here's the strange bit, many songs I've been listening to actually seem to apply to my life.

I've come up with three possible explanations for that:-

1. I'm so narcistic that I can link up any song I like to some part of my life.

2. I subconsciously gravitate towards songs that seem to be connected to my life, or that I fear will soon be connected to my life.

or

3. Listening to the songs again and again actually influences my actions so that I end up in the same situations in my life. Some kind of post hypnotic suggestion as it were.

Freaky.

Here's one such song and trust me no one would actually like this song to apply to their life.

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"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

I'm feeling very perky today for no good reason.

Maybe it's cos I've been listening to Avril Lavigne's "My Happy Ending".

With a little editing this song could say it all:



Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oooooh....

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

......

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh....
Oh oooooh....

Thank you Avril!

Birthdays

Today is a collegue's birthday. She's become a pretty good friend over the past year but since my last birthday I find it very hard to rejoice over birthdays in general.

Guess I have too many bad memories.

I'm finding that it's not so easy to forget bad memories.
Everytime I think I've done it something comes up and the bad memories creep up and kick me where it hurts...

Nokia N82

I bought the Nokia N82 yesterday evening.

I really wanted a camera phone. Went online and narrowed down my choices to the N82 and the LG Viewty.

Both have great cameras. The xenon flash of the Nokia is supposed to be marginally better than the Viewty's but the Viewty looks so much better. The N82 is virtually indistinguishable from its older, cheaper cousins.

The Nokia finally won cos of the gps.. which is really good, and even more cos it can be upgraded to 8 gb of memory while the best the Viewty can do is 2 gb.

And now that i've used it for 10 hours or so, since i've realised I can now blog from my mobile, since i've realised orkut is now accessible anytime anywhere...
I'm in love.

Friendship. . . of a kind

Last week was the toughest week of my life, emotionally at least.

I realised friendship has different meaning to different people.
I learned that someone that I considered one of my best friends doesn't really care that much about me.
I realised that most people will only be friends with you when you're happy and gay and cheer them up.
I realised that your truest friends are those who will be there for you no matter how low and whiny you feel. No matter how much you cry and complain all day.
I learned that the only way I can protect myself from being hurt by friends is by drawing away so that I don't care for them more than they care for me.

The secret to any relationship for me would be balance.

I'm not one of those people who can carry all the weight of a one sided relationship, whether it is love, friendship or anything else.

And at the end of all this... nothing has changed on the surface. Anyone looking in at my life would say everything is the same.

But it isn't. I'll never be as naively happy as I was before.

She sat at the window, her stomach churning. She could feel the storm building up. The air was full of it. She wondered where she would be when it hit town.

She heard the phone ring and her stomach clenched suddenly. There was another storm coming. But this one was in her life and whether she stayed or went away from town depended on how she handled it.

She tried meditating. Focusing on something other than the problem at hand made her body relax a bit though she could still feel the adrenalin coursing through her body.

Her body felt warm but her hands were freezing. Shock? Some chemicals overly sensitive people produced?

She didn't care. Her stomach was still flip flopping.

Something was coming. She wasn't quite sure what.

Appraisals!

Appraisal time is here. And this is going to be my first ever 'proper' appraisal.

Or rather the time has come for everyone to find out the results of their appraisals. The actual appraisals were done in March. At that time I didn't have time to TALK to anyone, much less sit and update this blog. But it's all going to pay off now. Yippee!

I'm so excited. And just a bit worried. I've been building castles in the air the past few weeks and after endless discussions with others like me it seems that I have grossly over estimated the salary hike I'll be getting.

Not so good.

But who says they're right. I'll just cross my fingers and wait.

Almost everything else in my life is going to hell. This one thing has to be good. It... just... has... to... be... good...


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It wasn't. (April 21st)

Quotes I love _ Faith

These are two of my favourite quotes about 'Faith'

"Unthinking faith is a curious offering to be made to the creator of the human mind." ~ John A. Hutchinson

"In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't." ~ Blaise Pascal

Childhood

People overrate childhood.

We passed a school today. Little kids in white PT uniforms were running inside probably scared they were going to be late. Everyone else in my cab had this fond, 'drooly' expression on their face. Fond memories they said.

What fond memories? Running to school worried that I was late? Worried that I wouldn't get there in time to melt into the background? Hurrying to be there in time for assembly. Half an hour of prayers, preachings, announcements, warnings. Singing the national anthem 5 days a week and the school anthem the sixth.

My day divided into 8 periods. Scurrying to complete the previous days homework. Realising with dismay that I'd left a book at home. Another remark on my calender. Third time unlucky, another walk to the principal's office where I would stand silently raging and promising myself that some day I wouldn't be that helpless. That someday I'd have more control over my life.

Forgetting to wear my white uniform on Thursdays. Having to stand in line for all the world to see. Feeling like an idiot for not remembering.

No control. At the mercy of people and their moods.
Adults and their moods.
Never sure exactly what was right and wrong.
And if it was wrong, WHY it was wrong.

I had a pretty good childhood. Good parents, a good life. I was pretty bright so I never failed in school. (Not that I was happy. Unfortunately I was in the top three in kindergarten and I even won a shield when I as in the first standard. That pretty much set the standard for the rest of my life. Once I was in the second standard, I never came in the top three again. So there I was at the age of 7, doomed to feel like a failure right through school.)

Yeah, I had a nice childhood but the difference between me and most people is that I remember it for what it was. I don't have a highly coloured version of my it running through my head.

I'm glad I'm not a child anymore.

Of lesbians and the Ellen DeGeneres show...

Back in Bangalore after almost a year. Loads has changed. Made me sad. I don't like things changing behind my back. Love it when it happens right in front of me.

Atleast I think I do.

Oh well.

This isn't a proper post, just a comment I had to pass on the Ellen DeGeneres show. [If that's spelt wrong.... guess what, I don't care]

I've watched a total on maybe 20 minutes of the show so everything that follows is NOT a 'qualified' opinion.

The first day I watched about 15 minutes. Ellen struck me as a nervous self conscious wreck. She didn't speak confidently and in fact looked like she was up infront of an audience for the first time ever, with her eyes darting this way and that.
Then she started dancing! Or what passes for dancing. She ran up and down the stairs danced with a couple of women and then spread her legs and walked over a table... um.. I mean the table passed between her legs... or whatever.
Thats when I switched the TV off. I mean that table is so broad from one angle it looked like quite a feat except for the fact that she walked ?across? it from the other side.

The next day I switched on the TV again and was treated to the exact same scene. And it was not a repeat of the previous episode. I watched enough to make sure of that!
But trust me the dancing bit was exactly the same. The same running up the steps. the same dancing with an attractive woman (a different one this time). the same shimmying across that exact same table! C'mon!

I'm a little embarrassed to say I turned the TV off thinking only lesbians would enjoy her show. Very politically incorrect of me I know. And here I thought I didn't have any weird ideas about homosexuals in my head.

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Speaking of lesbians... I think I met one the other day. I'm in Bangalore answering some exams and the very first day i got here I ran into a very friendly, very cute girl. For some reason I found myself wishing we were friends. Well I'm not so sure any more. I was watching TV in the TV room the other day and she came in and almost SNUGGLED up to me. I haven't told anyone this cos I'm sure they'll all say she was just being friendly but trust me I got this strange vibe from her.

One good thing that came of it is that I'm sure I'm not gay. Cos she is very cute and if I had any inclination that way I think I'd have felt something for her.

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I'm back in Pune on Monday and somehow I'm not looking forward to it any more. Anyone who's been on the phone with me recently will find that strange cos all I've been doing the past 10 days is mourn about how much I'm missing Pune.
I think I know why the change has occured. Can't really go into it here but in brief there was a guy who intrigued me and I was looking forward to getting to know him, BUT... a couple of friends have since told me some stuff that's made me very ashamed of ever ebing interested in him. Why don't all shallow guys have some kind of sign printed to their heads? Why on earth do they have to act all deep and interesting and mysterious? Why am I always interested in all the wrong guys?

It would be so great if I grew up and started falling for nice safe guys.

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[And T yes, I know I haven't corrected all the mistakes above. That's your job. Give me a list of the mistakes and I'll correct them... if I feel like it :) ]