Masks

I have a friend who's gone through a rough patch lately. The problem is that a large part of his troubles were his own fault. I don't know if he realises that yet. Sometimes when I'm feeling particularly mean, I hope that he does. I hope he sees that the mess he's in, is his own damn fault. I hope that he'll stop blaming others and get on with his life. But at other times, like right now, when I'm calm and snug n happy, I'm forced to consider that maybe, just maybe he's not ready for that kind of responsibility just yet.

I've made mistakes. Lots of them. If I let myself remember each one, if I let myself realise just how much of what went wrong in the past is my own fault, I don't think I could function normally each day. The only way we carry on is by fooling ourselves. We tell ourselves we're good people, and maybe we are. Maybe we are just as good as everyone else. It doesn't alter the fact that most of us are probably not as good as we think we are.

At the other extreme are people who loathe themselves. Most of them eventually need psychiatric help just to function everyday. We're human, and we can't live a normal life when we're carrying guilt wrapped around us. So we're caught in a little circle. Not a vicious circle, merely a futile one.

To live out each day we must convince ourselves that we're in the right. We must make excuses for our worst deeds, tell ourselves 'I had no option', or 'I meant well'. To be human we must live out a horrible side of being human.

Maybe my friend is fooling himself. Maybe he'd be a better person if he 'faced up' and 'grew up' and 'took responsibility for his actions' and all the rest of the platitudes.
Maybe that applies to more than one person reading this. After all it definitely applies to me.

I think I'll be chicken at present and make a deal with myself. I'll try not to be a sanctimonious prig inside my head and I'll try not to think about how others don't measure up to my expectations until I do.

There's a book in the Shannara series, by Terry Brooks, called the First King of Shannara. In it, a sword gets it's power from the truth. I didn't understand that part the first time I read the book. I didn't care at that time. Now I'm older. The last time I read it I tried to pretend that I was the one wielding the sword. I tried to see the truth behind each of my actions. I stopped within five minutes. I don't know whether it's lack of courage or just plain self protection but I'm not ready for that kind of truth yet. Someday maybe I shall be. Until then all I can do is be human and accept others as human too. And now I watch my motives before I act, because now I know that if I don't, it'll only add to the secrets I'm hiding from.

The job hunt so far...

I skipped June entirely. Had gone down to B'lore for some exams. Life is getting way too complicated now.

I've decided I'm gonna just document my job hunt on this blog. It's such a crazy way to live each day.

Fine here goes... I've got a law degree. I have a post graduate degree in 'C' law. and I'm doing my Masters in 'B' law. Finals of 'B' Law are in Feb and I've got to have some direction by then... Please God...

Well anyway, I had some exams in Feb. and during those exams I realised that my ideal job would be as an Acquisitions Editor for a big publishing company. Yeah right. Easy to dream of, tough to actually work towards.

I figure that before you get a shot at the acquisitions side you should have some experience as a copy-editor. Since I don't know anything about copy-editing I thought I'd look out for openings as a sub-editor.

At the beginning of June I applied to two places in Bombay. Two LPO's. That's legal outsourcing for those who are lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the terminology.

One place said that they'll let me know, which of course meant, 'get real, you think we want you!', and the other place was willing to take me n pay me 10,000 bucks of which only 8,800 would be in hand. I didn't really like the atmosphere there though the location was good. I figured it wasn't worth it to do a job in a hostile environment where I'd be earning peanuts for atleast 6 months. That's how long I'd have to be a trainee. I'd have weekends off but absolutely NO LEAVE for the first six months.

I figured I could give up a dream if they were paying me well but with 8,800 and expenses in Bombay being what they are I could envision myself playing the part of the pauper and depending on my folks despite working my ass off.

I told them I needed to go to B'lore and answer my exams and as of now I may still be able to get the damn job if I want to try for the August batch.

Then in July I came across this great ad. A post as an editor. While the job sounded ok, the people and the attitude seemed so great I was quite willing to work for about 10,000K. Then I find that salary could be anything from 11,000K to 20,000K. It depended on how I did through their tests etc. Well they sent me an online test. I tried. I honestly did. N I'm very embarrassed to say I thought I did decently.
Well I got an email telling me I wasn't good enough for them. So apparently the one thing/ the one job, I thought would lead me towards my dreams is not an option. So I suck at editing.

Back to square one. Or that's what you think.

My father who thought I was crazy to think of switching from law to editing saw an ad in the paper on Saturday. He saw the words sub-editor and called and set up an interview. I guess he'd be ok with 'editing' if it meant I was based in Goa. This job was for sub-editors for a new up-coming T.V. Channel.

This channel will be starting from August 15th and they're looking for staff at all levels. However as I found during the interview today, sub-editing in terms of media like T.V. News is obviously very different from editing in the print media. I could have told my dad that but I figured he wouldn't take my opinion as solid fact. Anyway, the whole experience was unreal. I was squirming hoping I'd get out of there. Feeling like an idiot. The interviewer, a kindly old gentleman couldn't understand what was making me change my field. How could I explain to him what I find so hard to understand myself.

Then he assumed I really wanted to get into the world of media and made me feel even worse by offering to let me join as a trainee if I was really interested since obviously the actual posts needed to be filled by people with experience. I was wondering how I could escape when my dad started asking questions and I realised I didn't have to worry.

Obviously since it's related to the news the hours could sometimes be erratic. And as a trainee I'd get only 3,00-4,000 which would be increased to the grand sum of 6,000 if I actually became a sub-editor. Hehehe. I could hardly keep myself from kicking my dad's foot. He actually sat there and tried to discuss the job some more. Maybe he didn't want us to look too money crazy. Still... c'mon by asking about the timings he'd already got one way out ready. Why did he have to sit there and discuss the salary etc as if it really was an option!

Anyway, I finally got out of there. I've to call n let them know by the end of the month if I'm interested. That's what comes of not being able to say no.

N then to top off my day, to keep my dad happy I asked him to call up an old friend of his who knows a whiz kid of my age who's in the field of 'C' law. He's apparently doing very well and though he's on the scientific side and I'm on the legal side I was hoping he'd, worst case scenario, tell me what I need to learn to get into the field, and best case scenario, give me a job. LOL... I wish.

Anyway, we went and met my dad's friend and he will ask Whiz Kid's dad for his email address or something. I don't want to jinx anything so I'm going to shut up now.

Dental X-rays

Tagging along with my dad today I had far too much time to think. Not the good kind of time either. I don't know how many people are as fascinated with their own minds as I am. Disgusted and horrified sometimes, true, but fascinated all the same.

For instance today the dentist told me to get a full OPG x-ray. Atleast I think that's what it's called. It's an x-ray of my full jaw. And the first thought that flashed through my mind was that now my folks have a way to identify my body in case I'm burnt to death or disfigured in any way.

In books, people abroad always seem to rely on dental x-rays and old healed fractures. "John Doe's right arm and right leg were both fractured at some time. Mr. XYZ fractured his right arm and right leg in a car accident 10 years ago. Ergo, John Doe is probably Mr. XYZ."

I've never had a fracture. It used to bother me sometimes. How the hell would the authorities identify me in case I was in a huge accident and my body was burned to a crisp. I don't even have any tattoos or identifying scars even if some skin escaped the flames. Well I guess now I can relax.

Though come to think of it I don't see why I should care whether they identify me or not after I'm dead.

That's the problem with most people and I seem to have walked into that trap myself. In real life what you believe becomes your reality in most cases. Most people don't understand that. As long as my folks think they've got the right body it's as good as if they actually have the right body. After all it won't make any difference to me either way.

If you think facts always matter consider this, if you believe that your boyfriend/girlfriend is cheating on you, whether you realise it or not your attitude towards the person will change and your decision to break off will be determined by your belief.
What does the truth matter in a situation like that.

In the case of Couple A. Say the boy is cheating but the girl is convinced he's loyal. They won't split up. Her belief in his loyalty will have the same effect as his actual loyalty.
In the case of Couple B. Say the boy is loyal. If the girl is convinced he's cheating on her she'll eventually break up with him. Or else she'll drive him crazy with her suspicions and he'll dump her. In either case the relationship is doomed.

Think about it. You live life according to what you believe each day. If you just knew exactly what you wanted you could choose what to believe in and structure your life around you. Nobody seems to understand that we are building the blocks of our life with our thoughts.

Despite this most people prefer knowledge to belief. Take the example above. If the girl in the case of Couple B wants a happy relationship she can choose to have faith and be happy and ignorant. But by our very nature, humans will usually not choose to live in ignorance. Someday I'll take a poll. I wonder how many girls/guys would prefer to be happy and ignorant about a cheating partner.

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And on a slightly different topic...

What are we made off? What is everything made off?

Atoms, I believe.

What are atoms made off?

Electrons and protons. Or rather positive and negative charges. Can you imagine that?

Everything you touch, everything you see, isn't really there. They're just charges. You're just a bundle of positive and negative charges.

Shit! I'm really wandering here. Time to go and gloat over my dental x-rays.

By the pricking of my thumbs...

Blogspot is up and running again. Ha! Guess my diatribe goes unpublished once again. If they block it again I'm going to smell a rat. The timings are way too coincidental.

It's ok. I'm not really paranoid.

WTF!!!

WTF!!! Blogspot pages have gone once again. Just after I relaxed cos they'd fixed the problem.

And I'm too bored to rant n rave.

Maybe tomorrow. Though, since I gather I'll still be able to access my fave blogs thru' sites like pkblogs, I have to admit the rant may not be quite as steamy as one based on an absolute ban.

Still, its inconvenient (must keep that in mind). Tomorrow I shall come back and spew forth all the venom I can dredge up... (yawn)..

In lieu of the proselytising I intended to do on the topic I'm going to send an email to all my blog-reading friends. Doubt it'll contain anything new that they don't already know, but what the heck.

Let Down...

Since the block on blogspot by the Indian Govt., I'd decided to write a long incredibly rude post about how stupid their whole goof up was. Only problem... I was too sleepy yesterday and mistakenly assumed the blockade would last a couple of days more. Turns out they wimped out sooner than I thought. Or corrected their technical problems... whatever. Doesn't really matter to me. Only effect is that a great rant went unexpressed. What a loss to the online community....sigh... [:D]

Anyway, I have to admit I'm kinda glad that everything's working fine once again. If I'd gotten mad at this govt. too there'd be no one left to root for. This way the worst they can be accused of are good intentions and bad execution.

Though, come to think of it, they do say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Hmmm... that usually applies to my life too, so I'm gonna give the govt. the same benefit of the doubt I give myself. :D

This page cannot be displayed...

I didn't realise how fond I've become of this blog until I tried and failed to open the web page a few minutes back. Everything else seems to be working fine. They've allowed me to log in n they're even allowing me to create this post. Maybe they're just toying with me. Giving me a moment of hope before I'm forced to face the fact that my blog has vanished forever...

No! I'm determined to foil their dastardly plan. I'll refuse to face facts. That will stump them.

And they thought that they could mess with my head... hehehe

Wednesday Friday Addams

I was just chatting with a friend who has a very unusual name. Tired of my complaints about my too-common name he told me to pick an unusual name for myself. It made me really think for a bit but then from some part deep inside me I found a name that felt so absolutely right. "Wednesday".

I'm not sure whether I love the name for itself or whether it's tied up n bound to the character 'Wednesday Addams' from the Addams family. I have to admit I could be biased towards the name because of Wednesday Addams who has got to be one of my all time favourite characters on television.

Wednesday Friday Addams [yes that is her real middle name] is strong, loving, absolutely fearless and very very determined. If I could be like her I would. She lives life exactly as she wants to. When people try to force her into a 'suitable' mould she tries to resist at first n then pretends to give in until the miserable SOB's are lulled into complacency. And then, just when they think they've won, she shows them that it's not really smart to mess with Wednesday Addams.

Yes. If I could be her I would. Make of that what you will.

Limewire Vs. BitTorrent

Suddenly I'm in the mood for comics. This is crazy. Some months back I wanted to download the 4400 seasons 1 & 2. Unfortunately for me the BitTorrent link I found was crawling so slowly, I've stopped the 4400 at 11% and started General Fiction. I'm at 52% of a 2.1 GB Download and now I wanna move on already. :( I hate BitTorent. It's so damn slow and each torrent is so damn huge!
I prefer Limewire where I can select each individual file and where my download speed has reached 35 kbps sometimes.

For anyone out there who hasn't tried it yet: Download Limewire today! If you have broadband you'll be blessing me. If you don't you'll be cursing me. Either way you'll be hooked.