Feeling so ashamed

Feeling so ashamed that I care so much,

Pride's out for the count, so out of touch,

Walking in the shoes of the fallen,

Feeling my cheeks burn,

Feeling so ashamed.

Forgiveness

A friend gave me a wonderful gift and then took it away. He didn't mean to hurt me but did.  He apologized, I forgave him. End of story. Or it should be....

The problem is I am still angry.  The anger sweeps over me unexpectedly and then I have to remind myself of how I'd feel if the tables were turned to force myself to cool down.  After all if I had hurt someone unthinkingly and then genuinely apologized, I'd want them to forgive me.  So why can't I get this out of my mind?!

Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't believe it was completely unthinking.  I think at some level, he must have known what would happen.  And maybe it's because a part of me also believes he doesn't have any idea how much he hurt me.  Maybe he doesn't think I am justified in feeling so bad.

I don't know. I may never know. It may not be important anyway.  Things come and go.  I just wish this anger would be one of those things. 

Awake

So I've been watching a few episodes of a TV show called 'Awake'. And it's made me think.

The show's premise is simple - A man meets with an accident with his wife and son.  After the accident his reality seems to split.  In one reality his wife is alive and his son is dead, and in the other reality his son is alive and his wife is dead. Or maybe there's just one reality and the other is a dream.  Or he's in a coma and both realities are a dream.  Hmmm... okay maybe it's not too simple, but anyway... getting back to the point.
As a man, as a husband, as a father, what would he choose if he had to?

As a woman, neither a wife nor a mother, I wonder what I would choose. Lose my husband who I presumably loved enough to marry, or lose my child? (Everyone seems confident that mothers would choose their children over their husbands, but I don't think that's always the case!)

I think I know, but I'm not sure. And I pray God that I never actually find out.

Aww.... I miss that!

“She wished he could make her somehow indelibly his; that they were still children so they could cut their fingers and mingle their blood and know this meant something. She longed for some transformation more lasting than that wrought by the law and his name, some visceral change he might effect in her so that anyone on the street with one glance would know she was his.” 
― Meredith Duran, Wicked Becomes You

Hmm.... I miss feeling that way... oh well... (she muses as she sips her coffee and trudges forward on the road to recovery...)

I must go...

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do. That's how it often is. God's voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.” 
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

God rang the bell for me.

A travesty of justice occurred.  And it occurred where I should have been able to do something about it.  But I couldn't because I was in the wrong place.  And I realized that I can't be the only one fighting battles all the time.  I won't always be in the right place.  I wasn't there this time, and I saw the consequences.  But there must be other times where I am not there and I don't see the consequences.

I sound muddled, maybe I am.  But even if nothing else is clear - this much is:  I cannot fight this fight.  It's a lost cause.  And even if it wasn't - I saw the reception my concerns got.  I saw a glimpse of how I would be treated if I was on the other side.  And it made me shiver.  And that means I have to go.  I have to go to some place safe.  Maybe it'll be no safer.  Maybe it'll be worse.  Who knows.  But God rang the bell and all I know is that I must go.

Being 'Anxious' and trying to keep the faith

I read a book called "Attached" earlier this year.  It spoke of three types of people - Secure, Avoidant and Anxious.

It's sad being Anxious - Sad and painful.  And yet, besides some sad souls who become Anxious because of the way their parents treated them, there are many more who make it to adulthood as Secure people and then turn Anxious.

Why?

I knew that hot and cold behaviour could do the trick but could never express it very well until I read this article.  If you read the article and you're a woman you may recognise yourself in parts of it.  And if you're like me that realisation will hurt you because it's painful to acknowledge being so weak.  But if you're like me eventually you will acknowledge that going through this has changed you - made you better, stronger, and more ready to accept and love someone who makes you feel secure; someone who doesn't make you feel bad about yourself.

This may sound like I'm through the tunnel and into secure land - I'm not.  I'm still in the dark.   But I've been through the tunnel once before, so though I'm back in there now, I know what I'm talking about.  So do as I say, not as I do. Walk away, run away.

For those that can't just yet, don't worry you're not alone.  I'm proof that knowing something with your head doesn't make it much easier for the heart to walk away.  That's what comes from having a soft heart.  When I'm really down I get mad at myself for being such a softie each time.

But then each time I try to forgive myself for being so weak.  I tell myself that this willingness I have to risk my heart is okay.  Cos I'd rather be happy-open-loving-me, than bitter-distrusting-me. 

Counselling queries

Rhetorical question - How do you decide whose needs should be prioritized?

Case study:  Consider two people - A & B.  When A is upset, B is loving and patient.  When B is upset, A is caring and devoted.  Sounds good, right? Well the problem is that recently both A and B were upset.  About different things. And B wasn't there for A.  A was cranky and wanted support and B just disappeared.  B was probably just doing the best he/she could.  Backing off rather than getting into a fight. But is that the only option?  As a third party observer I honestly couldn't tell you who had more right to be upset. I've been in similar situations and I don't have a solution to give them.  I just know that this way no one is happy.  And that they need to figure out a way to deal with this.  And then they need to tell me how to deal with similar situations too...

Walking away?

When is it time to walk away?

It's hard for someone like me to know when it's time.  I'm too focused on the good and that's dangerous.  Yes, the man with the smelly clothes may not mean to harm me, but if he's drunk and behind the wheel, his good intentions are not going to make a difference.  When his car hits me, his plea of "I never meant to hurt you" is not going to cushion my fall.

I should be able to recognize danger to myself - and I need to understand, with every cell of my being, that good intentions are not enough.  Specially good intentions in selfish people.  In fact why go so far as good intentions - I'm the kind of person that's settling for lack of bad intentions.  - "Why yes ma'am, I may get hurt, but you see he doesn't mean for me to get hurt.. I'm collateral damage.. He thinks life should be lived one day at a time, and so what if that means that I get hurt at the end - that's my choice isn't it - why should he take the blame for any of that..."

Part of the problem is my obsession with signs - If you pray to God and say "Thy will be done" for a year - and then you get a new job - won't you assume that you should take it?  And when things get rough, won't you say to yourself - "God wouldn't have brought this job to me if it wasn't meant to be..."  So God, the ball is in your court.  I don't want the little teensy signs - you brought this into my life - man up and take responsibility for it.  I'm willing to do whatever you want me to - but BE CLEAR!!!

Easter and Watershed Moments

So Easter is come and gone... and the much needed clarity did not come with it.  Others seem to have had watersheds in their lives.. One friend almost re-started and then almost re-ended (yes I know that's not a word) a relationship.  Another one who had been on the brink for the past months, suddenly had a small disagreement blow into a big chasm between her and the guy in question.  Lucky them maybe - Easter signs from God.

Maybe God is pissed I didn't listen last time - but seriously that's so unfair.  It's not like I didnt believe.  Yes, I stayed on - but that's only cos I'm someone who will hang on till the grim end. It's just my nature.  It's got nothing to do with me not believing the sign.  I knew it was headed for a dead end - I just wanted to be there right until the dead end. (And I was - but more about that some other time..)

So anyway, coming back to the present - what do you do when you're coasting along and life seems good, but you know there's quicksand under the road?  You pray - for guidance, for help, for a #$@^&% clue.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough - I don't know the reason, but there was no clue.

--------------------

I'd gotten that far when I decided to google 'watershed' before I hit 'publish'. The first link I clicked on was Wikipedia - and for once was useless.  It didn't have the word defined in the sense that I used it.  Disappointed I clicked on the second link and somehow it turned out to be the Amazon page for a book called Watershed Moments by someone called Gari Meachem.  I read the review and bought the book - it seemed serendipitous (maybe God didn't like me grumbling!).

The link is here.  And trust me, it was hard work to find the link a second time.  I only found it cos I bought the book and had the author's name.  (Which makes it even more amazing that I stumbled across it the first time just searching for 'watershed'!)

Anyway, I've started reading the book, because honestly - after whining on about a sign for days now - I need to pay attention to this great big one that was thrust before me..

Changes galore

Company culture - what is it?

I've been working for the same company for 7 years now... and for me until recently it's been like a second home.  We've had a huge influx of new people over the past two years - and they are mostly people with strong personalities.  All these years it didn't matter.  The management team was a strong interlinked team.  They gave the same messages, and believed in the same 'culture' for want of a better word.   But recently two managers (who joined at around the same time as me and who moved through the organization with me) left, and we've now for the first time in a long while, got a management team where the 'newbies' are more than the 'oldies' (again, for want of better words).

And this is not to say I don't like the newbies.  I like most of them. Some of them, a lot!  But it's tiring.  It's tiring to have to keep setting people straight.  And since they are in relatively senior positions it's difficult.  It's not the same as telling a fresher how to behave.  A fresher will do what you say because he has not already been exposed to some other culture.  But a manager will usually say 'well in my last office...'

Guess time will tell how we weather this change and move into the future.  I've always been an advocate of change and 'freshness'. Let's see how I deal with this!