2010 so far...

2010 has been a revelation to me. It started with a bang. I had a blast but I also saw some things I did not want to see. Looking back at the year so far there have been three defining incidents.

First, I met a guy I once loved and was amazed by how indifferent I felt. I poked and prodded at my memories.... trying to remember the feelings I once had. Trying to recapture the glow. All to no avail. I've grown and changed. And so has he. And maybe that's the best answer to all those who say its best to fall in love and settle down at a young age. Yes, it's definitely easier to adjust. Yes, we are definitely not so rigid and fixed. But what if we do settle down... say at the ripe old age of 21 (that's how old I was when I loved that guy). And then say some years pass... and we grow and we discover that we have grown into two very different people....

A friend of mine argues that when you really care for someone you will both grow together.. but then... what of growing individually? If I was with him, would I have ever read Kahil Gibran, would I have learnt that I love upma and hate dosas, would I have learnt that beer only tastes good if you're dying of thirst..

Isn't it better that I learnt who I am and what I stand for before I set out to find my other half?

Who knows...

Hmm... what next...

I guess the next incident was falling sick. For the first time I felt cared for by someone other than family. And it felt good, though it only served to underscore the unmet expectations I've been carrying around.

Also my illness resulted in a looong visit from my dad. And somehow, without realising it, that looong visit taught me something important. It made me realise how much I valued something that had become such a part of my life that I was taking it for granted.

And still... still I remained blind.

The third incident was actually a series of incidents leading upto and beyond Valentine's day.

Someone I thought was my friend lied to me. And in such a way that it now makes me think back and wonder how many times he'd lied before. The tragedy of it was that the lies were all so unnecessary. What was the point? Did he do it for material profit? Maybe. Overall I'm about 20000 bucks poorer for that experience. But it was worth every penny to see the truth.
It doesn't hurt me, or at least I think it does not hurt me. Maybe I'm still in shock. Oh well, I wish I could say I've learnt my lesson and I will never trust someone like that again. I tried. I did try to stay bitter and distrusting. But then someone walked into my life. And taught me to trust him. I did not want to get close to him. But everytime I turned around he was there for me. How could I not learn to depend on him. I tried so hard to maintain a wall. But somehow, I don't know how, he got inside it.

Today I'm scared, but happy. Hurt, but joyful. I lost a fake friend, but thats the kind of loss that should be celebrated. I found someone precious, but thats the kind of joy that often brings pain.

So here I am once again. It's a new year. But the same old me. Once again I'm throwing myself off a cliff hoping I'll learn to fly. So what if I've crashed everytime till date. You only need to learn to fly once.

Back in the morning shift

After 9 months in the evening shift everyone is back to a general 9 to 6 workday. All our families are happy. Are we?

Some of us, definitely are. Some would be happy if it wasn't for the drop in allowances. But many many others are missing the beauty of the night.

A nearly empty office, pin-drop silence, twinkling stars visible from the cafeteria, midnight walks to a nearby roadside stall... even the "slum" nearby looked lovely at night from our vantage point, high above the rest of the world.

It's the end of an era in a way. We now have one more thing to reminisce about.

I've been telling most of my friends that I feel that the end of this year will bring me some clarity on a problem that's been haunting me over the past 2 yrs.

I have this strong feeling that this is just one more necessary step on the road to enlightenment.

If so, I'm scared. I wish I had someone to stand by me at this point, someone to tell me it's all going to be alright.

I want someone to tell me whether I need to batten down the hatches... is there a storm approaching?

I don't want to worry needlessly, but I do so wish I knew whether I should be worrying at all.

Please God, if you're listening, send me a sign.

And if it's not good, give me the strength to handle it.

August 2009 & September 2009

When I'm old and grey and I read through this blog, August 2009 is a month I'd like to remember.

It's the busiest month of my life so far.

I got promoted and I bought a flat. All in one month.

I still can't believe everything happened so fast. Finding a flat i liked, my folks giving me the go-ahead, getting the paperwork in place, getting my home loan approved, getting the registration done, and actually shifting into the flat. All in one month. And all this mind you just after i got new responsibilities at the start of the month that meant that i couldn't take time off and I had to show up and measure up at work!

As for September 2009... not such a good month. Been sick almost continuously. More importantly got to know somethings about certain people that I didn't like learning.

But hopefully by the end of this year I will clear all the junk out of my life and stick with things that are worth it.

Now that everything else is fine I need to clear my emotional life too.

I am seriously considering turning into an emotionally repressed person. The side effects of emotional repression (as seen on tv and in books) seem to be alcoholism and suicide. But thats usually a loooong process. I think I can pull of emotional repression for a year without doing any damage.

It'll be a break from the heightened emotional dramas I've been living through.

Food for thought...

Buying Books

As children, books are usually harmless... Our parents usually choose which books we read. Since it's not really something we are investing much in, it doesn't matter how good or bad the books are.

A child does not have very high standards. Any book that is interesting stays with him through his life (atleast as a good memory), and any book thats not so good, disappears at some point, and he probably won't even notice. Of course some kids who are careless also lose the books they love, but it doesn't really bother them... they keep discovering new books...

But when you're older all this changes. You usually spend more time buying a good book. Only once in a while do you actually end up owning a book you have not chosen with care. Sometimes you buy strange books from the road side since they are cheap and not a big risk. Sometimes those unexpected books turn out to be winners, sometimes not.

But those are not the books I want to talk about today.

I want to talk about the books you buy after extensive research. The book with the lovely cover, the exciting back story, the book with the good reviews.... Maybe you spend a lot on that book. More than you thought you would.

And then after reading the book you discover you've been had. That it isn't worth 1/10th the cost.

What do you do with a book like that?

Do you throw it out? Remember you spent so much time and money on it.

Do you just keep it on your bookshelf? Keeping it on your bookshelf reminds you of how disappointing it was. Of how much you regretted buying that book.

I have a book I regret buying. I spent a lot on it. I thought it would give me a lot of happiness. And the beginning was good. But I'm nearing the end now and it's hard to keep reading... and once I'm done... there's still the problem of what to do with the book...

Things I liked this weekend...

When I have a place of my own I will own...

Updates...

Work would suck if it wasn't for all the interesting people...

Priti and Charlie had a kid. Sweet couple, atleast on the surface. But Charlie has some creepy friends. If a man is known by the company he keeps... it doesn't say anything good about Charlie.

Upen and AJU are not as close as they used to be. Or maybe they are just keeping it low key at work. I guess Upen thinks it will mess up his chances with the new chicks. He's probably just laying her at night. Ugh! They are so weird. I don't know how she stands it. I'd feel sorry for her if I didn't hate her so much... As it is... I'm rooting forUpen to break her bitchy little heart. That bitch thinks she can make up stories about me behind my back and I won't get to hear of it... Bitch!

On the home front things are getting so uncomfortable in my colony I'm looking out for new digs... Seen so many but not yet found the perfect one....

Going to see one tomorrow. In AJU's colony. Yucks. Oh well... she's not important enough to avoid...

Reality check...

Shifts are still going on and now the news is that theywill continue till the end of the year. The reason is valid... the SEZ's r in trouble so our new office is delayed but the repurcussions are bad. What if they still don't have an office by the end of the year....? then what?

anyway.. my laptop stopped working so i got a netbook. Installed DNS 10, bought a headmic and now I'm slowly dictating whatever I've written so far.

Slow going so far but I'm hoping it'll speed up....

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Oh, and by the way... they made me Deputy Manager at work...

Catchin' up...

ok... where was I...

Hmm... after watching three seasons of Dexter, here's what's been keeping me busy...

Season 3 - Bones
Season 4 - Bones
Season 1 - Fringe
Season 1 - Highlander
Season 4 - House
Season 5 - House
Season 1 - Bones
...in that order.

In between I found time for...

the aftermath of Dad's bypass operation... (April 4th)
Sister's 21st Birthday... (May 13th)
buying a new tire for my bike...
sending my laptop for repairs and buying a netbook...
Downloading Dragon Speak Naturally 10 (since 9 didn't work) and actually getting it to work!!!...
a San Juao Rain dance...(28th June)
a good friend's b'day... (June 26th)
crazy SCR deadline at work... (May 18th to July 15th)...
Flat hunting in Pune... (seen 8 so far)...
Terminator 4
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
New York
Kambhakth Ishq
and many many downloaded movies which I can't go into...

ahhh....

now I feel better...

Dexter

I've been busy the past 2 weeks watching Dexter. For those who haven't heard about Dexter, it's a tv series about a serial killer. It doesn't play here in India but I've heard about it from my friends so once I managed to get my hands on it I shut off the tv, cut down on my 'phone-time' and focused all my attention on it. The first season was the best I think. You felt connected to the characters (except Debra who is the most annoying character ever) and you enjoyed the denouement.

The second season left me conflicted. I don't like innocent people getting in trouble and the end of that season didn't really do anything to help. Also there was no real suspense. Definately the most boring season if it wasn't for Lila who apparently is the reason most of my male friends have been praising this show to the sky.

The third season, which I finished watching yesterday, changed the focus of the series a bit. It became less 'Dexter the serial killer' and more 'Dexter the character'. In the first two seasons it was the 'killing' part of the story line that got your attention. In the third season that became the background for Dexter's 'emotional journey' of sorts. Interesting, but not in the same way.

Overall verdict - Watch the first season.

uTorrent

I was a big fan of Limewire. In fact somewhere in my archives I think there's a post called Limewire v. BitTorrent in which Limewire won hands down. Well I havent' been downloading for almost a year now. There just wasn't any space on my comp. Now with prices crashing I've bought lots of space and finally I can start downloading again.

I've started with Dragon Speak Naturally. And Changeling. Both took almost a day apiece. But now I'm down to the last 5 minutes... and soon I'll see if my patience has finally paid off.

And yeah... I'm using uTorrent now. N it's pretty neat.

Will watch the movie and review it tomorrow.

Ciao.