Easter and Watershed Moments

So Easter is come and gone... and the much needed clarity did not come with it.  Others seem to have had watersheds in their lives.. One friend almost re-started and then almost re-ended (yes I know that's not a word) a relationship.  Another one who had been on the brink for the past months, suddenly had a small disagreement blow into a big chasm between her and the guy in question.  Lucky them maybe - Easter signs from God.

Maybe God is pissed I didn't listen last time - but seriously that's so unfair.  It's not like I didnt believe.  Yes, I stayed on - but that's only cos I'm someone who will hang on till the grim end. It's just my nature.  It's got nothing to do with me not believing the sign.  I knew it was headed for a dead end - I just wanted to be there right until the dead end. (And I was - but more about that some other time..)

So anyway, coming back to the present - what do you do when you're coasting along and life seems good, but you know there's quicksand under the road?  You pray - for guidance, for help, for a #$@^&% clue.

Maybe I didn't pray hard enough - I don't know the reason, but there was no clue.

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I'd gotten that far when I decided to google 'watershed' before I hit 'publish'. The first link I clicked on was Wikipedia - and for once was useless.  It didn't have the word defined in the sense that I used it.  Disappointed I clicked on the second link and somehow it turned out to be the Amazon page for a book called Watershed Moments by someone called Gari Meachem.  I read the review and bought the book - it seemed serendipitous (maybe God didn't like me grumbling!).

The link is here.  And trust me, it was hard work to find the link a second time.  I only found it cos I bought the book and had the author's name.  (Which makes it even more amazing that I stumbled across it the first time just searching for 'watershed'!)

Anyway, I've started reading the book, because honestly - after whining on about a sign for days now - I need to pay attention to this great big one that was thrust before me..

Changes galore

Company culture - what is it?

I've been working for the same company for 7 years now... and for me until recently it's been like a second home.  We've had a huge influx of new people over the past two years - and they are mostly people with strong personalities.  All these years it didn't matter.  The management team was a strong interlinked team.  They gave the same messages, and believed in the same 'culture' for want of a better word.   But recently two managers (who joined at around the same time as me and who moved through the organization with me) left, and we've now for the first time in a long while, got a management team where the 'newbies' are more than the 'oldies' (again, for want of better words).

And this is not to say I don't like the newbies.  I like most of them. Some of them, a lot!  But it's tiring.  It's tiring to have to keep setting people straight.  And since they are in relatively senior positions it's difficult.  It's not the same as telling a fresher how to behave.  A fresher will do what you say because he has not already been exposed to some other culture.  But a manager will usually say 'well in my last office...'

Guess time will tell how we weather this change and move into the future.  I've always been an advocate of change and 'freshness'. Let's see how I deal with this!

Do you really think you can hurt me?

Do you really think you can hurt me?

I've been destroyed by experts,

torn asunder by indifference,

careless friends have broken me,

do you even know the difference.

You think I'm fragile,

that you can crush me with pain,

what you don't know,

is that I will always rise again.

Like the grain in the field,

I'll bow before the pain,

my heart will be ripped to shreds,

but then I'll rise again.

I was taken apart by an expert,

reduced to my component parts,

it took me years and a lot of hard work,

but what you see is a work of art.

I'm a sum of all those pieces,

glued together by so much pain,

one day I'll heal completely

and stop crying in the rain

until that day, don't worry,

do your worst and see

I'll bend, but not break darlin'

you can't really destroy me.

Surface People

Surface people, 

Surface smiles,

I've met quite a few,

as I trudge across life's miles

While I've liked some,

They've been few and far between,

Most of the time I can't stand them,

They never make it through my screen

They seem to have it easy,

Away from Saturn's glare,

It's easy to not have worries,

If you just don't care

Sometimes I wish I could be like them,

And not give a damn,

Make decisions with my head,

Whenever I'm in a jam

But at the end that's not who I am,

I've found my heart needs equal space,

It wants to be co-ruler of my life, 

Head and heart co-existing in grace

Unfortunately what this means,

Is more pain than I'd wish to feel,

That's the price I pay for being me,

I just have to learn to deal.

Thanksgiving

I'm not someone who's really into the meaning behind festivals - Don't get me wrong, I love festivals that give me time off work or that involve gift giving.  But the actual meaning behind a festival has never moved me.

Almost all festivals are tributes to Gods or to historical customs.For instance, Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ, Ganesh Chaturthi, the birthday of Lord Ganesha, Onam and other harvest festivals are historically tied to the harvest seasons - originally a way of pleasing the Nature Gods, and I could go on and on..

Thanksgiving also is actually a harvest festival.  A way of thanking the Gods.  But what I've grown to love about it is the very literal way that it is celebrated.  As a day for giving thanks for all the good things and people in your life.

So for the past two years, every Thanksgiving I try to thank the people in my life that I am grateful for.  I don't always do it very gracefully and sometimes I even mess it up (that's fodder for another post) but I do try.

And so this post is for someone who is arguably my closest friend, I'll call her C here.  (She knows who she is.)

We've been friends for 22 years now.  We've shared our lives, our hopes as they bloomed, and helped each other rake out the ashes of those hopes that got cremated.  Those that lived to grow into actual events we celebrated together, often across miles.  She's the first person I call when something unexpected happens, and usually the last person I talk to each night.  She knows and accepts most of the unsavory parts of my personality.  (Probably because she's also the most saintly person I know - someone who has an immense capacity to forgive and accept people's flaws.)  She's been through crap so many times and come out smelling of roses each and every time... so to the best friend a girl could could have - C, thanks for being you and for being such a big part of my life. I know things will morph and change but I know we'll always be able to count on each other.

Flirting and the Friend Zone - Part 1

So friend contains the word fried.  After all the reading I've done on Lexigrams I should be able to make something of that... but I can't.  So I'll leave that for another day.

In today's advice column, let's talk about flirting and the friend zone, or rather how to stay out of it.

Cos that's what we all want right?

I'll answer that myself.  No - young girls - in all their innocence - may think that the friend zone is fine for a variety of reasons. These girls usually fall in one of two categories:

Girl category 1 - Girls who believe it'll happen someday.
Motto: So what if he doesn't love me yet - some day he will.

Grow up darling.  I'm not saying it'll never happen - but you know what they say about relying on the exception right?

You don't?

Okay - well here's the rule you should follow - REALISE THAT YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BE THE EXCEPTION.

Girl category 2 - The Martyr
Motto:  I live to serve you

This is the girl who loves the guy so much that she just wants to be there for him and support him expecting nothing in return.

To these girls - well what can I say.  I've been there. Standing by my man's side with unflinching love.  Until I grew up and realized that men don't need it, don't appreciate it, and don't want it.  If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup would you want it?  [Not that I'm calling you soup.  If that offends you I'll call you ice cream.  Happy?]  Ahem - let me rephase -> If you wanted chicken biryani and someone tried to feed you soup ice-cream would you want it?  Sure if you're starving you'll be grateful - but in the end - its not what you want.  And nothing in the world will turn soup ice-cream into biryani.

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So anyway, I need to get back to doing real stuff instead of gabbing away here -> but my experiments with men, flirting and the friend zone shall continue... More on that later...

More sad poetry...

I saw a garden full of flowers,

each smiling and bobbing its head,

not knowing, not guessing,

that soon each smiling face would be dead.

They laugh, they cry,

they live, they die,

leaving us, rotten poets,

standing still, and asking why

Why should they ever live,

if they soon have to die,

why should they ever know,

what its like to be free, to fly

They should be earthbound

cocooned and lifeless

not deluded with false hopes

when all know they are hopeless

They should smash their heads

On the stones at their feet

Stab themselves with their thorns

Bleed with each heartbeat,

If I could comfort them I would,

Though a cold comfort it'd be,

I'd tell them to fake a smile,

and to learn from the distant sea.

the sea is cold and wonderful,

it can shine or it can suck,

it crashes and destroys and uplifts,

and in the end it doesn't give a fuck.

It's a baby girl...

I read this post and I cried...

If you're a girl in India... you probably will too.

And if you have no clue what I'm talking about - I envy you!

It feels so good....

...until it feels so bad

Three years ago

I stood on a shore

wondering if this was it

if I'd ever love again

God laughed

I found love that day

in a spectacularly unexpected way

A love that warmed an unloved heart

And I was happy... at the start

God laughed, the page turned

all wasn't as it seemed, I learned

my love died (in more ways than one)

left me in the shadows, entered the sun,

And that was the story so far

So I put my feelings in a jar

Decided - No making plans, no bluff,

Give God no reason to laugh

But now once again,

like an absolute sucker for pain,

I feel that old familiar feeling sweeping over me

I feel a quiver in each dimpled knee

My heart sings songs, my thoughts scatter

from lost alleyways my dreams, they gather

And I know God probably just wants a laugh

But I find myself tempted, torn in half,

would it be so bad, to allow myself to feel so good

to build castles in the air, and count stars in the wood

Will I be strong enough to bear the pain ahead

when my happiness eventually stops dead,

should I give heart a chance, for now be glad,

should I allow myself to feel so good....until I feel so bad...

XPS 12 Sierra

A side effect of stress it may be but no one can deny that it is adorable.  Will post a picture later...

Edited - Later :-)

Here's what it looks likes...