Christmas 2008

Been in Goa less than two days but it seems like ages. Running around with decorations last minute, last minute Christmas shopping, midnight mass at Don Bosco's, it's just like almost every Christmas of my life.

And yet...so many things are different this year.

The deco was over really fast since we used an artificial fibre-optic tree this year. Till last year we kept up the tradition of driving to Campal, paying some guy to cut branches of pine trees, then dragging them behind the car all the way home n then struggling each year to find a new way of putting up the 'tree'. For the past few years we also used our new fibre-optic tree. This year finally we mutually decided that the new tree was good enough n no one missed the trek to Campal.

This year was the first time we were ready early for midnight mass.
This year we had to park far away from the chapel n stand in line to walk through metal detectors cos of the terrorist threat.
This year there was a new choir n though they did their best something just wasn't right.
This year my cousins were going to a dance n though they asked me to join them I preferred going home with my folks.
This year I'm on my way to Margao instead of sitting at home n entertaining all my friends who drop by.
This year I'm using my phone to surf cos we have visitors n I'm not getting any time to sit on my comp n take advantage of the great broadband speeds we get here.
This year I got a lot of Christmas gifts I really liked.
This year I gave a lot of gifts and realised I enjoy that even more.
This year I feel that I've outgrown who I was and I'm ready to be who I'll become.

Merry Christmas everyone.

This is me...

My "column" in the blog is going to be a fictional account of an anonymous girl.

That's me. The Anonymous Girl.

I've lived in Goa, Bangalore, Bombay, Delhi and Pune and I don't know where I'll be this time next year.

But today I am where I am... in a little anonymous colony surrounded by weirdos. The colony where the woman in the next building just waits till her husband goes to work before her boyfriend shows up, the colony where two young guys share a flat and have 2 girlfriends each, the colony where the watchman either comes to work drunk, or doesn't come to work cos his son beat him up, the colony where the odd job man seems to be manic-depressive...

I could go on and on... I am surrounded by strange people and strange happenings... and trust me you're gonna hear about them all... because this is my life, these are my opinions, and I don't really have anything else to write about...

Feni

Found out something strange yesterday and just had to share.

For those who haven't heard of it, Feni is distilled liquor from cashews. It's loved by many, hated by even more, and Goa's most famous product.

For years Goans have been telling others about the 'undrinkableness' of Feni. The way it burns its way down your throat, the fact that it's the strongest drink around. For years Goans have stood back, watched as a non-goan took his first sip of cashew feni and then had a good laugh at the expression on his face.

Many Goan children are allowed a sip or two of feni at quite a young age as it's considered a miracle cure for colds and stomach upsets alike.

Yesterday I was chatting with a friend of mine (Suspect - for those who've been here before) and feni was mentioned. And he said he loved it. I was puzzled. How did an 18 year old Noida kid get a taste for feni. I knew he'd visited Goa once and figured that he'd tasted it then. But this trip of his was more than a year previously and was a 'family' vacation. I couldn't really see his parents giving him feni to drink!

Well I asked him about it and then the whole story came out... Apparently while I thought feni was safely at home in Goa its been kicking up its heels all over the place. It reached Noida! Thats not even one of the main metros.

Apparently feni is the drink of choice for anyone who wants to get drunk. It's 'cheap, great for getting drunk and tastes good with whatever cheap additive is around' in Suspect's own words.

According to Suspect, up north everyone is creating 'bastardized feni cocktails' with red bull / tetrapack orange juice / three week old coconut milk / and even pineapple juice!!

It's like a child I once knew grew up when my back was turned. And not only that, apparently the child has become a world traveller and is sleeping around with trash!

Feni, feni... roaming so far from home...

The Pillars of the Earth

Ken Follett's best book is unquestionably the Pillars of the Earth.

I first read it around 10 years ago. I don't know why I ever picked up such a fat book. Guess I was so taken with 'Eye of the Needle' that I thought such a big book would be twice as good.

Well soon after I started I realised that this book was nothing like the other Ken Follett novels. This one had no spies, no cliff hangers, and yet... I kept reading. And when I finished I knew that one day, some day, I would buy the book.

I'd forgotten all about that thought, conceived so many years ago. But a fortuitous chain of incidents made me the owner of this 1076 page classic.

If you enjoy reading please go out and get this book. I thought I could no longer get lost in a book. This book showed me how wrong I was. I was away from my computer this weekend and I had a lot of catching up to do yesterday, BUT... I made the mistake of starting with the book. I didn't put it down till about 3 or 4 am. Today morning I was so engrossed in it I only realised the time when the driver gave me a buzz. I even skipped lunch just so I could focus on the book. And finally, it's finished. I can eat, drink and blog. :) Leave behind the 12th centuary and rejoin this one...

Damn.. now I wish it was twice as big...

Freedom of Religion

I'm sick and tired of religion. And I don't care who knows it. I'm tired of the divisions it has caused, the pain it has brought, the barriers it has built.

Don't get me wrong. Religion has its strong points. It gives people a reason to be good, hope for a life after this one, a better life than this one.

But wait a minute. Is it religion that does all that or just belief in God?

As far as I'm concerned anyone who believes in God, believes in good and evil, and all the consequences that follow. All that religion should be, is the organised worship of that God. Not something that destroys the brotherhood of man.

Unfortunately, today religion has become a shortcut to war. I worship this way. So should you. Because of course God cares how we worship him. Just loving him and being good isn't enough anymore.

You don't believe in my God. And you follow such strange customs. Ofcourse you can't marry into my family. Though all of us are the children of one God, you call God by another name and he's so offended that he's excommunicated you.

I'm not letting my flat to those people. They have such disgusting habits.

I'm not working with that guy, he's a ______

All ______ can't be trusted.

I'm against the multiplicity of religions. And the ease with which new ones are created each day. Take Scientology for instance. Scientology is a way of life, a belief system, NOT a religion. And yet, because of the great privileges "religion" has, Scientology has happily carved itself a home under the umbrella of freedom of religion.

The concept of freedom of religion was created so that people could be FREE. Not forced into one particular mode of worship. And what it has become is something far different. An excuse for rituals and an excuse for rigidity. An excuse for finding fault and an excuse for intolerance.

People commit atrocities in the name of religion. Would the world be a haven of peace without religion? No, not particularly. Wars will always happens, neighbours will often fight. But at least no one would be insulting God by claiming to fight in His name.

Beginning once again...

I started and finished the outlining for the book. I'm hoping that will help me once the blues hit in between. As long as I don't stop in between I think I should finish it in a year or so.

I know thats a long time, but it's better than deciding to finish it in 6 months and then getting disappointed.

Well I wrote one new chapter today so am pretty happy with myself. Hope this blog helps me get some discipline into my writing.

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Just googled "worlds apart" and guess what, it's already being used for, in the authors own words, "an interactive tale of self-discovery, set in an alternate universe."

So for now I'll just tag this as 'alternate universe'.

World's apart

I've been writing a book since 2006.

What's that you say?

You think it's completed and I'm on my first rewrite?

Well you obviously have either a) never attempted writing a novel or b) you're one of those super organised people who puts aside a fixed amount of time to write each day.

My way of writing is to write like crazy when the mood is upon me. Then suddenly I'll relax and rest on my (imaginary) laurels. After a few months the urge will strike me again, I'll read over what I wrote before, and then I'll promptly scrap out most of it and rewrite it.

And the same cycle repeats again and again.

I think I shouldn't leave these long gaps between writing sessions. Too many things change in my head and that forces me to rewrite. If I write more consistently I think the story will grow with me.

And eventually, the story will have a life of its own.

The Conclusion of 'Goan Girl'...

I just stumbled across this blog and it did bring back so many memories...

I'm going to fill in my story over the past 2 yrs...

In my last post I was supposed to attend a conference where my old prof was teaching.

Well I went for it. He was very nice, I was very nice. I introduced my folks to him afterwards and being the warm, nice people they are they renewed my offer to show him around. HE accepted very graciously. We set off, my prof, me, my dad and my sis. We took him to various places in Goa, like Old Goa, Calangute, took him all over Panjim city and wound up with dinner at Sea Pebbles.

The next day we met him again n took him shopping. When we dropped him back he promised to get in touch. And since then... nada. zip. I haven't heard from him since then though I emailed him twice.

Well after that I thought about joining the Asian School of Cyber Laws but I wanted to know if I could also help them out part time on real cases. That didn't seem possible and then on the 13th of November I answered an interview at my college for a KPO in Pune. I wasn't that interested in the interview but I got through n thought I'd give it a shot.

The Pune branch of that KPO started with just about 30 associates, of which I was one.

Now there are more than 400 employees in Pune alone. And my designation is Asst. Manager.

Sometimes things do work out. In Jan I'll complete 2 yrs in Pune. Life is good here and while I do miss Goa sometimes I'm not ready to go back yet.

That being the case I think it's time the name of this blog was changed. From 'Goan Girl' to....

Well I haven't decided that yet.

Wait n see.

What do we do next...

3 points of view

This is the third of a set of four stories I wrote over the past year and a half.

The first two are already up. They aren't connected so you don't need to read the other two, but if you want to, just click on the 'Fiction' label to the left.

Cheers!

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Three Points of View

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He walked slowly across the room. A man who looked twice as old as he actually was. He passed a mirror on the wall and grimaced as he saw his reflection. No wonder people shrank from him. Hollow cheeks, eyes too big for his face, he looked like a skeleton with skin stretched over his frame.

Maybe that’s why she’d killed herself. Tired of being married to a sick man. Tired of watching him die every day. In front of her eyes.

But the cops were so sure she’d been murdered... He shook his head angrily in disbelief. Murdered. Who’d want to murder her? It was ridiculous. He’d seen his fair share of murders when he’d been a young detective all those years ago. Greed, revenge, love. Those were the emotions that powered murders. And all three were absent here. Lydia had been penniless when they’d gotten married. Sure she’d get his money when he died but here he was. Alive and well. Ok, so maybe he wasn’t well, but he still was a long way from the grave.

Revenge? She was 23. Who could she have hurt so badly? Who could have been so angry at her to want to kill her?

That left love. He grimaced. That was probably on the cop’s minds from the moment they’d seen the body and met him. They were probably convinced she’d had a lover who’d killed her. Of course they wouldn’t tell him that. But that’s what they were thinking. He was sure of it. They’d paw through her personal diary and scheduler. Looking for evidence of an affair.

Lucky he’d found her diary and letters last night. Full of her love for him. Full of her sorrow at the lingering illness that would part them one day. He’d burnt them. The diary and every last letter. All her thoughts that she’d never intended to share with the world.

He smiled wistfully. If he’d ever doubted her love, reading the diary would have made him feel ashamed of himself. As it was, it had made him cry. A bitter reminder of all he’d had and all he’d lost.

He sat in his favourite chair and stared out the window.

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Detective Johnson looked across the room at the man in the easy chair looking out the window. A very poor actor. Trying to pretend he was grieving for his wife. Well they’d nail him. He was the only person with access to the apartment. None of the locks had been forced. Nothing was out of place. No unexpected fingerprints had been found. The poor fool had probably found out that she was planning to leave him. That must have been the last straw. Lucky the kid had blurted it out. Funny thing. A man with a 16 year old son marrying a woman of 23. The kid had been glad for his father’s sake until he found out that she was having an affair. He was so worried they’d think his dad did it; he’d gone out of his way to convince them that his father didn’t even know about the affair, not realizing that they themselves hadn’t known anything about it.

Funny the way things worked out. The kid had been trying to save his dad but had actually provided the missing link. The motive. Of course they’d look for a diary or something but he didn’t expect to find anything. She wrote regularly in her diary. That much he’d learnt from her friends and family. That was probably how the old man had found out. But he knew how these things worked. He’d probably burnt the dairy.

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The boy sat and watched the detective. What was he looking at? The boy couldn’t see. What was he thinking? The boy didn’t know.

Lydia was dead. He could hardly believe it. Lydia the bitch was dead. She’d taken his father away from him. His father would never have been as harsh as he’d become if it wasn’t for her. They’d refused to send him to the National academy of Drama. Said he’d be a terrible actor. And now they’d planned to send him away to military school. To instill some discipline into his life! Yeah right.

Well she’d gotten what she deserved. Now all he had to do was wait and watch. Anytime now the warrant would be issued against his old man. Based on his testimony. He would be shocked and horrified. He would run and hug his father and swear that he believed in his innocence. He would swear to do everything he could to free him.

He sat and prepared for the part of a lifetime.

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Dostana sucks!

I didn't intend to write this post until I read this. [I want to find the author of that review. I can't believe those are the views of a real live normal human...]

The only part of that review that I agreed with was that Abhishek Bachchan was fantastic. He was over-the-top and ridiculous and really great!!!

John Abraham is lucky he looks good, cos this movie proved once again that his acting range is limited to roles like Dhoom and Taxi 9211. He's terrible at making a fool of himself.

But that's not the worst by far. Your opinion of John Abraham will rocket sky high once you compare him with Bobby Deol. At least John Abraham has a limited acting range, Bobby Deol doesn't have any range at all. He can't act.

If you don't have to pay much, watch the first half. Don't bother with the second. It's not worth it at any price.

Airtel Broadband

Ok, I'm sick and in bed but just had to post this...

My Airtel Broadband is up and running since yesterday.... the speed is decent so far.

May that continue....

Promotions

I've been promoted. Good news anyone would say. I'm pretty happy about it, don't get me wrong, but the promotion unexpectedly brought home something I'd never realised.

I don't have a single person here in Pune who I'm very very close to and who will be happy for me no matter what.

There were many people who congratulated me and wished me well. But their words didn't mean all that much to me. They seemed to saying the words out of common courtesy and general rules of behaviour. No one here in Pune showed real jubilation. There are some people I'm close to. In particular a guy I'm going to call Axle. I'm sad when Axle is sad and happy when he's happy but I've not got a friend like that. Axle is too preoccupied with his own life and there's no one else.

To be fair I have to mention a guy I'll call Ray. Ray does seem to care. He's concerned, caring and seems truly happy for me. But it doesn't mean as much because it's something new. Time will tell if this concern and friendship will last.

So the day I got promoted I had no one to celebrate with.

While I've always known that it's important to have the people you're close to, with you to share your sorrows, this is the first time I've realised that joys don't count for much when you have no one to share them with.

EVANESCENCE - "My Immortal"

I don't normally listen to lyrics. Usually when I like a song it's because it just sounds good.

However after some time I usually decide I should check what exactly the song is all about.

Here's the strange bit, many songs I've been listening to actually seem to apply to my life.

I've come up with three possible explanations for that:-

1. I'm so narcistic that I can link up any song I like to some part of my life.

2. I subconsciously gravitate towards songs that seem to be connected to my life, or that I fear will soon be connected to my life.

or

3. Listening to the songs again and again actually influences my actions so that I end up in the same situations in my life. Some kind of post hypnotic suggestion as it were.

Freaky.

Here's one such song and trust me no one would actually like this song to apply to their life.

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"My Immortal"

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

Avril Lavigne - My Happy Ending

I'm feeling very perky today for no good reason.

Maybe it's cos I've been listening to Avril Lavigne's "My Happy Ending".

With a little editing this song could say it all:



Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oooooh....

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?

Don't leave me hangin'
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

......

It's nice to know that you were there,
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

......

All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh
So much for my happy ending

Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh....
Oh oooooh....

Thank you Avril!

Birthdays

Today is a collegue's birthday. She's become a pretty good friend over the past year but since my last birthday I find it very hard to rejoice over birthdays in general.

Guess I have too many bad memories.

I'm finding that it's not so easy to forget bad memories.
Everytime I think I've done it something comes up and the bad memories creep up and kick me where it hurts...

Nokia N82

I bought the Nokia N82 yesterday evening.

I really wanted a camera phone. Went online and narrowed down my choices to the N82 and the LG Viewty.

Both have great cameras. The xenon flash of the Nokia is supposed to be marginally better than the Viewty's but the Viewty looks so much better. The N82 is virtually indistinguishable from its older, cheaper cousins.

The Nokia finally won cos of the gps.. which is really good, and even more cos it can be upgraded to 8 gb of memory while the best the Viewty can do is 2 gb.

And now that i've used it for 10 hours or so, since i've realised I can now blog from my mobile, since i've realised orkut is now accessible anytime anywhere...
I'm in love.

Friendship. . . of a kind

Last week was the toughest week of my life, emotionally at least.

I realised friendship has different meaning to different people.
I learned that someone that I considered one of my best friends doesn't really care that much about me.
I realised that most people will only be friends with you when you're happy and gay and cheer them up.
I realised that your truest friends are those who will be there for you no matter how low and whiny you feel. No matter how much you cry and complain all day.
I learned that the only way I can protect myself from being hurt by friends is by drawing away so that I don't care for them more than they care for me.

The secret to any relationship for me would be balance.

I'm not one of those people who can carry all the weight of a one sided relationship, whether it is love, friendship or anything else.

And at the end of all this... nothing has changed on the surface. Anyone looking in at my life would say everything is the same.

But it isn't. I'll never be as naively happy as I was before.

She sat at the window, her stomach churning. She could feel the storm building up. The air was full of it. She wondered where she would be when it hit town.

She heard the phone ring and her stomach clenched suddenly. There was another storm coming. But this one was in her life and whether she stayed or went away from town depended on how she handled it.

She tried meditating. Focusing on something other than the problem at hand made her body relax a bit though she could still feel the adrenalin coursing through her body.

Her body felt warm but her hands were freezing. Shock? Some chemicals overly sensitive people produced?

She didn't care. Her stomach was still flip flopping.

Something was coming. She wasn't quite sure what.

Appraisals!

Appraisal time is here. And this is going to be my first ever 'proper' appraisal.

Or rather the time has come for everyone to find out the results of their appraisals. The actual appraisals were done in March. At that time I didn't have time to TALK to anyone, much less sit and update this blog. But it's all going to pay off now. Yippee!

I'm so excited. And just a bit worried. I've been building castles in the air the past few weeks and after endless discussions with others like me it seems that I have grossly over estimated the salary hike I'll be getting.

Not so good.

But who says they're right. I'll just cross my fingers and wait.

Almost everything else in my life is going to hell. This one thing has to be good. It... just... has... to... be... good...


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It wasn't. (April 21st)