Warning: This contains a lot of whining. You might prefer to skip to the end of the post.
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I got my appointment letter today. Yet another part of my life is over, another begins. I don't know exactly when I'll have to join work. Hopefully I'll be able to spend Christmas and New Year here in Goa. Everybody spends Christmas and New Year in Goa. I wouldn't have been worried but apparently there's some training I have to go for first. I guess they'd love to get a head start by finishing our training in December itself so that we could start work in January. Anyway I guess it'll sort itself out.
As long as I can remember I've been glad to leave home. Every college tour I went for, I used to be miserable at the thought of coming back home. When I moved to Bangalore I never really felt home sick. I enjoyed my life in Bangalore. I enjoyed the freedom I had and the knowledge that I could do exactly as I pleased. And yet, I'm not the kind of person who's happy in any one place for long. After little more than a year I was bored of Bangalore and when my mom fell sick I was glad to come back home to help out.
This time... I haven't even left home and I'm already feeling guilty. Feeling guilty cos I hate the thought of deserting my parents. I know it's normal for children to move away and though this isn't the first time I'm doing it, somehow as I grow older the guilt increases. I suppose it's because I'm conscious of the fact that my parents are also older this time around. They deserve to have someone at home to look after them. They deserve to rest after all their hard work all these years. But I can't live at home any longer. It's stifling me. The ideal situation would be to live in Goa but separately. That's not going to happen. Even if I found a good job here (impossible task) the concept of someone living in his/her own apartment when there's a 'family residence' is something that hasn't caught on here. Both sons and daughters are expected to live at home and travel to work atleast until they get married. Well I have no plans to marry anytime soon and I can't stand the idea of moving right from one family to the next without some free time.
So to get my space I have to move to another city.
And yet I feel guilty. I know I don't do as much as I could about the house but even the little I do will be missed. I wonder who'll keep the peace when I'm not around. I wonder who'll help mom cook. I wonder who'll help dad with the chores. I wonder who'll help my sister with her projects. I wonder if my dog will be alive much longer. I hate the thought of missing his last years. I wonder who will fuss over the cat everytime he cries. These past few months he's gotten used to sitting outside my bedroom and crying till I let him in. Will he continue to sit outside my empty room? Whenever there's a computer problem I won't be around to help. Whenever my folks have some silly queries about their mobiles I won't be around to answer. Whenever my mom needs someone to listen or dad needs someone to talk to, I'll be almost 500 kms (300 miles) away.
But in the end what I feel doesn't matter. Thoughts may lead to actions but if they don't, they won't mean anything to anyone besides yourself.
Either way who gives a shit.
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Suspect has written an adaptation of the story below and it's really good. He's trying to convince me to put it up here but I think it belongs on his own blog. If I succeed in convincing him, it'll be up on his blog on Sunday. Otherwise it'll eventually come up here.
Suspect has rewritten it with the focus on what fascinates him the most. No prizes for guessing what that is.
Woozie if you want to rewrite it with guns, go ahead.
If anyone else feels like producing another version, feel free to do so. If it's not too long and if you want me to, I'll put it up or link to it or something.
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I got my appointment letter today. Yet another part of my life is over, another begins. I don't know exactly when I'll have to join work. Hopefully I'll be able to spend Christmas and New Year here in Goa. Everybody spends Christmas and New Year in Goa. I wouldn't have been worried but apparently there's some training I have to go for first. I guess they'd love to get a head start by finishing our training in December itself so that we could start work in January. Anyway I guess it'll sort itself out.
As long as I can remember I've been glad to leave home. Every college tour I went for, I used to be miserable at the thought of coming back home. When I moved to Bangalore I never really felt home sick. I enjoyed my life in Bangalore. I enjoyed the freedom I had and the knowledge that I could do exactly as I pleased. And yet, I'm not the kind of person who's happy in any one place for long. After little more than a year I was bored of Bangalore and when my mom fell sick I was glad to come back home to help out.
This time... I haven't even left home and I'm already feeling guilty. Feeling guilty cos I hate the thought of deserting my parents. I know it's normal for children to move away and though this isn't the first time I'm doing it, somehow as I grow older the guilt increases. I suppose it's because I'm conscious of the fact that my parents are also older this time around. They deserve to have someone at home to look after them. They deserve to rest after all their hard work all these years. But I can't live at home any longer. It's stifling me. The ideal situation would be to live in Goa but separately. That's not going to happen. Even if I found a good job here (impossible task) the concept of someone living in his/her own apartment when there's a 'family residence' is something that hasn't caught on here. Both sons and daughters are expected to live at home and travel to work atleast until they get married. Well I have no plans to marry anytime soon and I can't stand the idea of moving right from one family to the next without some free time.
So to get my space I have to move to another city.
And yet I feel guilty. I know I don't do as much as I could about the house but even the little I do will be missed. I wonder who'll keep the peace when I'm not around. I wonder who'll help mom cook. I wonder who'll help dad with the chores. I wonder who'll help my sister with her projects. I wonder if my dog will be alive much longer. I hate the thought of missing his last years. I wonder who will fuss over the cat everytime he cries. These past few months he's gotten used to sitting outside my bedroom and crying till I let him in. Will he continue to sit outside my empty room? Whenever there's a computer problem I won't be around to help. Whenever my folks have some silly queries about their mobiles I won't be around to answer. Whenever my mom needs someone to listen or dad needs someone to talk to, I'll be almost 500 kms (300 miles) away.
But in the end what I feel doesn't matter. Thoughts may lead to actions but if they don't, they won't mean anything to anyone besides yourself.
Either way who gives a shit.
------------------------------------------------------------
Suspect has written an adaptation of the story below and it's really good. He's trying to convince me to put it up here but I think it belongs on his own blog. If I succeed in convincing him, it'll be up on his blog on Sunday. Otherwise it'll eventually come up here.
Suspect has rewritten it with the focus on what fascinates him the most. No prizes for guessing what that is.
Woozie if you want to rewrite it with guns, go ahead.
If anyone else feels like producing another version, feel free to do so. If it's not too long and if you want me to, I'll put it up or link to it or something.
15 comments:
Congrats on the appointment letter!
Dont worry in time everything will sort itself .For now just concentrate on your work,earn lots of money and buy a better present for me than you did the last time
:-P
-MP
The story will revolve around a plane made out of guns shooting guns at a person made out of guns shooting guns at Adolf Hitler, who is also made out of guns. Hitler is crapping guns.
@ MP - Since I've never given you a present I'm pretty sure any cheap trinket would qualify as a 'better' gift. It's another matter that I won't give you anything until I finish saving for my retirement fund (as you always advise me to do).
@ woozie - Fine. You said it. Now go write it if you can!
:D
Karen, become a bohemian.
@ convict - I'm already bohemian under my mask of respectability.
The mask is to protect my parents. I owe them that much.
Felt the same way when I left Bombay to move to Bangalore. But you know what, you realise that in many ways, they're gald to have their own space. Or maybe that's a feeling only people living with would have.
I'm dying to move out :I
Seriously.
I need my space.
But I can totally relate. Even though I'm not about to move out, understand where your coming from.
Hopefully the grass will be greener on the other side :) [Cause that'll really suck if it isnt]
@ iz - With a house and pets no one ever gets any peace around here. There's always a backlog of work waiting to be done. So though I hope you're right about my folks having more space for themselves, I doubt it. I think their generation never learnt to relax and watch the dust pile up. Something I've learnt only too well :D
@ tago - yeah I've always been dying to move out too. Even this time I'm not really unhappy about it. I'm just feeling guilty. Guess that's the bad side about growing old. You start feeling responsible for all sorts of things that you just can't control.
Once I'm there, as long as my folks sound upbeat on the phone, I'll be as happy as a bird let out of her cage.
Remember to pack plenty of garlic.......and toothpaste :-D
-MP
@ MP - um... thanks.
congrats kiddo! ... so where you moving to then?
SwB
@ swb - kiddo??? Lol... funny to think I'm still a kid to some. :)
I'll eventually be moving to Pune but first there's some training that will be either in bombay or pune itself.
Aww... i thought You'd wind up back in bangalore...
@ john - to be honest I'm glad I didn't. I enjoyed it while I was there but towards the end I was really fed up of the narrow-mindedness and the way everybody had no compunctions STARING at anyone at any time. It was like living in a zoo. Nobody seemed to get the concept of privacy.
Anyway, alls well that ends well, as Captain Haddock would say.
your feelings captured mine as if in a reflection. sigh. it's never easy, huh?
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